BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

Hope someone here can shine some light on my situation. Its been a long time since I last posted here. My husband who I suspect to be BPD/NPD since we came back under the same roof 2 years ago has left AGAIN-right before out 10 year marriage anniversary. We are an active duty military family and everyone( family advocacy/counselor/legal adviser) is emphasizing divorce. I am struggling with D as I have a special needs child (6 yrs) a teen and an elderly mom I care for in the home along with financial issues because im not able to hold down a full-time job due to whats going on in the home. We live on base housing, my husband is leaving the area as soon as he retires Aug 22nd and thinks we will later join him even tho he has sent me a letter of intent that he has left and is no longer obligated to give me anything( crazy to say the least). The marriage has been very turbulent and im presently again looking for F/T work but having a hard time due to where we are located (remote) and mentally I have shut down from the abuse of 10 years. Needing some direction, nowhere to turn and would appreciate any input for those who have walked a similar path and understand. I know I need to get out. Yet getting out seems to be the most challenging thing for me. TIA

Please don't assume this. (what I bolded)  Although given your story you do need to prepare for divorce.  

I want you to understand that you have much more immediate concerns.

Point to clarify.  He is military and you are not.  Have you ever served?  (please clarify this)

I see that family advocacy is involved.  Are you getting good support from them?  Have access to regular counseling?

With August 22nd coming I want to make sure you understand the questions you need to ask.

How long can you remain in base housing?

What happens to your family moving entitlement?  What if your hubby wants to go one place and you want to go another?

How do you ensure access to health benefits if your husband "stops participating"?

Can you force him to elect full SBP "Survivor Benefit Plan" and make him include children in that? You want to protect disabled children from his death and yours.

Can you force him to choose family dental on his retirement income?

Is it advantageous to do a legal separation, vice divorce, because you don't know where you will end up?

Do his letters of intent to not give you anything hold any weight?  I would think that regardless, they need to be responded to... .in writing, with an expectation that he fulfill his obligations to his family, given your years of support to him during military service.

How long can military lawyers (base legal) advise and represent you?

I'm retired Navy.  My heart goes out to you.  Retirement is a transition, in and of itself.  The addition of relationship drama is unhelpful, but apparently unavoidable.

   

FF

As disastrous as divorce feels, the fact remains that this is a dysfunctional relationship with a seriously disordered person.  That he made it as long as he did in the military is probably due to the fact that the military life sets some firm boundaries on behaviors, so to speak, it kept him in line.  Unfortunately he's dysregulated in his non-work life.  Divorce is a legal framework to provide some separation as well as some protections from a distance.

As FF wrote, you have a few weeks to determine what can be done before he skips out.  Make good use of that time.  Seek solutions, alternatives, options, Practical Strategies.  Now is that time, delaying is not in your best interests.

When is your 10th wedding anniversary?  I believe 10 years is the point at which you become entitled to a portion of his pension should you divorce. Just as 10 yea r s of marriage gives a former spouse the ability to get payment based on the higher wage partner's credits.