BPDFamily.com

Hi,
Contrary to most here - I have been married to a man I suspect has BPD for 50 years. Yes, that many years!
We have come through numerous 'bad episodes'. However since there has been nothing significant in the last 12 or so years, I thought in his mature years, those 'episodes' had passed.
But for the last three months, he has not talked to me. He has started making small comments but no conversation. I am seeing a counsellor.
But my friendly counsellor - wants to 'solve' my problem and sort me out!
I just want support and some clues on how to break the ice.
Any suggestion welcome.

Hi nodeedyit and welcome to bpdfamily

You have been married for quite some time indeed! When did you first learn about BPD? Looking back, do you feel like your husband's behavior was 'off' from the very beginning of your relationship?

Getting the silent treatment is awful and can be very hurtful. This has been going on for 3 months now. Did anything perhaps happen 3 months ago that preceded this shift in his behavior or did this totally come 'out of the blue'?

I am glad to see you reaching out for support and advice here

Thank you Kwamina,
Yes, the trauma started when I stepped on my husband's newly waterblasted backdoor steps in my gumboots! He 'blasted' me! He ranted and roared and raved at me. I apologised & cleaned up but then he carried on. Said I'd done it on purpose etc. My hackles were rising, I regretfully now, recounted how I'd had to clean up the toilet after him the night before. That did it!  Any words spoken are vitriolic, sarcastic, biting, demeaning. I've apologised and  tried to gently break through the ice but still met with either stony silence or being shunned and denounced.
I went to the counsellor for a) moral support and b) to see if she could give me some ideas on how to approach him. But nothing has worked out.
To answer your question re beginning of our relationship; I did have some clues but of course aged 21, your life knowledge is limited. About 10 years into the marriage I began reading books and trying to find out what his behavioural episodes meant. But because I couldn't talk to anyone about this, I spent all these years just coping with it. Until about 20 years ago when I was able to talk to my sister (a psychiatric nurse). She told me then that she believed he had a personality disorder and that the abuse he threw at me was actually his bad feelings about himself. Somehow I was then much better able to cope. So at the time didn't pursue the PD.  And with a change of diet in 2008, he had been much more stable and amenable until the last couple of years when he has had several "episodes". 
His childhood, he says was happy, but both his parents were negative, complaining people; school reports, "You only got 99% - could you not have got 100%?" That kind of thing. There were lots of falling-outs with family members all through his childhood. In fact until his mum and dad died. He himself is often very negative and critical about everything and everyone.
He can be a very nice guy, we have always had similar views and ideas, been able to talk - on an intellectual level. But emotional, social aspects, he finds very disturbing. Some of the biggest rows we've had are about people coming to the house - even family!
Though in these recent years, I've been able to have lots of family gatherings, meals etc. since all our kids have come to live close-by and have their families. Which of course he is proud of. He has helped them all in practical and financial ways. He is a great dad, when he is in good fettle :)

Thanks for answering my questions :)

It sounds like your husband had a somewhat unpleasant childhood in some ways. Unfortunately he himself is now the one acting out in a rather unpleasant manner.


Your sister could very well be right about this. People with BPD often tend to engage in so-called 'projection' which is a distortion of reality and more a reflection of their own inner hurt, negativity and turmoil.


Could you tell us a bit more about these episodes he had? What did he do and also what set him off? (if there was anything that set him off)


To help you talk to him, perhaps you can benefit from the various communication techniques described on this site, such as:
- S.E.T. (to express yourself) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)
- D.E.A.R.M.A.N. (to assert yourself) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

Three months of getting the silent treatment is a long time. These tools might help you express your feelings and also your needs for change better. Were you perhaps already familiar with these techniques?

Take care