BPDFamily.com

I'm BPD (why is that not a choice when you sign up for this site?)... .not officially diagnosed but my mother has been diagnosed as schizo/bipolar and I exhibit a lot of symptoms.  I seriously cannot understand my brain... .I used to be so fun and outgoing and loved going to family parties.  Now I get annoyed so easily that if I do go to a family get together I usually find a place to sit and ignore everyone OR leave early as I did early tonight.  I want to be at the party, I want to have fun, I want to participate... .but somewhere in the last 10 years I've turned so negative/pessimistic/energy drainer and it really sucks.  I've always hated people like the person I've become.

I don't know what my triggers are as its day to day or hour to hour, but I'M SO SICK OF IT!  Its ruining my marriage and family life as I can't seem to "be happy" or "have fun".  My brain does something different than i want to do and its very aggravating.  I seem to want to just be a loner couch potato and its really sucks. 

There was a family party this evening for a surprise Bday party for my sis-in-law.  I decided I wanted to go so I went and picked out a new outfit a my favorite store to wear... .got dressed up to go... .we get there and I sit by myself and do not talk to anyone.  Then I decided I was to annoyed so I left.  My hubby is used to me either not going or leaving early as its become a pattern over the last couple of years.  He just tells everyone that I wasn't feeling well if they ask... .but I know it breaks his heart and my daughter's heart that I'm not there having fun with them.

Going to DR and being put on meds is not an option in my life... .I hate Dr's, have a fear of choking and so I do not swallow pills, and refuse anything that has to do with needles.

I just want to be able to be the awesome/fun person I was years ago before all of this started to take over my life.  I want to be able to control it myself.  As someone with this illness, I do realize that its hurting others around me, I do realize when I'm over-reacting or snapping, ... .my brain acts differently than I want it to.

Has anyone found any type of meditation to help significantly or anything similar?

Hi snazzy4razzy

Welcome to bpdfamily. There is no rule against anyone joining these forums. Although this is a community for people who have dealt/are dealing with relationships to persons/people with BPD (pwBPD), you nonetheless will find loads of resources to improve yourself significantly. Just know that you might find many frustrated and hurt people on here, but understand that you're nonetheless welcome on board. ^^

I personally have to recommend you on your courage to try to find solutions to what you believe you got. It takes a lot for many people just to reach out. While I sure am not a med. nor a psychologist, I want you to know that recognizing something isn't quite right takes a lot of self awareness, this as a first step and reaching out in a second step is what many people sadly miss out on. So I think you're on the right road. Kudos to you.

As mentioned, I am not a therapist (T), and have no knowledge about how to conquer BPD in a professional way, but I strongly believe there is no medication against BPD itself. BPD is known as a spectrum disorder which can involve many different other areas for which certainly may or may not exist medications.

I however, would suggest to search for professional help, a good T, if you have the resources that is, which is a surefire to help you tremendously to recover faster (than without T). BPD as is, certainly is a cureable emotional disorder. I wish you good luck on whatever parth you chose to take...

On a personal note and to reply to some subjects raised in your post, you seem to have a loving hubby around. Have you informed anyone of your findings? ... I think involving the people close to you may be cabable to deal, and / or assist you with dealing in outburst situations.
For example you may negotiate a sign with hubby to warn you if he senses an outburst, to notify/warn you in certain events, given enough self control of course, maybe it could be an aid to surpress the trigger.

Also I'd like to point out that you mentioned that you have undiagnosed BPD (uBPD), I'd be careful with that, there could be many other things involved (ie. depression). Hence another reason, why seeking out an experienced professional may help you the most.

To answer your question, there is no overkill kind of meditation, as far as I know. But you may find several helpful tools such as "mindfulness" that surely may be of help.
Have you checked out the tools section to the right? ---->

Anyways good luck on the road ahead, it is steep and rocky, but keep going and find your missing self.


Gumiho

Hi snazzy4razzy,

Congratulations on taking the first step to healing.  It takes a great deal of courage to seek help! I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so frustrated and unsure about how to control your symtpoms of BPD. I hope you are able to find the right therapist and/or medications to help you.

This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Because of this, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html).  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.