BPDFamily.com

I stumbled upon this on the internet. It is a girl's reaction to a relationship class she took in high school. I have seen a lot of people struggling recently and figured this might be interesting to read. Not to say we all didn't play a role in the unraveling of the relationship but it is helpful to realize that, in most cases, we did try and do these things. We were just with partners that were not emotionally capable of doing the same thing. It helps to realize that despite all the idealization and the good times any relationship will not work without the crucial component addressed below. I feel a lot of us met and fell in love with people who were not emotionally capable of doing this despite their desire to. Hope this helps someone as it has helped me.

"After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, "is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?" We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we'd never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the "feeling of love" had vanished or faded and they weren't happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things got bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arraigned marriages were successful.  I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I've never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I've chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again."

Hi roberto516,

There's some good points that are made. I'd just like a couple of more points, I think some of these r/s's Fäil because we didn't have the same values.

Also, I think that you need emotional intimacy for a healthy r/s, it's something that I struggled with, it's something that I consciously work on, some of us probably got emotional intensity mixed up with emotional intimacy, that intensity tapées off and feelings change like the article states.

I have a bone to pick with the part about divorcées walking away, II stayed in a marriage that was not healthy and it wasn't a good example for my kids, but I stayed in it because I believed in the sanctitued of marriage, I see it diffferemtly having come out the other end. I just think that you can have a long term meaningful r/s with someone, a bond without having to get married, it's just a piece of paper.

My point is, i think that I stayed in something bad because of my wedding vows, it's more complicated than obviously but that was a part of it, if you're not being treated with respect, your partner is not interested in problem solving and is self destructive and is practicing destructive behaviours in the r/s, I'd advise to take a serious look at the r/s and if it's worth walking away or not, don't stay in a bad marriage for the sake of it.

I just think that it's more complicated than saying that's successful marriage is two people coming together to problem solve and divorcee!s choose to not problem solve and walk away. Granted that it's really important to mutually workwith your partner, give them their own space, be autonomous, have your own hobbies and treat them with respect.