BPDFamily.com

I am sitting here with a black eye wondering where I went wrong. I abused and neglected my son when I was a love addict and now he is abusing me. I have been a good mother longer than I was a sick one but that only registers with him when he is in a mood. I tried to set boundaries years ago and he said that was just more abandonment and rejection. So I thought I would try unconditional love and just love him no matter what he did and give him everything he wants. That did not work either as now he is demanding money instead of asking for it.

I used to put my PoA's ahead of him and that was a mistake. During his formative years he needed my attention and I did not give it to him. Last week I bought my partner a plane ticket to go see his dying brother and that triggered my son. Now he is saying I still put men before him.

I want to call the police but I cannot bear for him to go to jail. I have reached out to my friends and they have not responded.

My son has a borderline personality disorder but he is 45 and I may have caused this, but I cannot fix it.

I think what is holding me back is my toxic guilt. Guilt for hurting him is fine, but it is toxic when it holds you back from saving yourself.

I would like to know if anyone else is being abused, not by a teenager, but a grown son. What did you do to resolve the situation?

P.S. We live together because I got evicted for paying his rent instead of mine. I don't want him to be homeless either. Where does his needs leave off and mine begin?

I just got an email from a friend who sent me this. Now I am confused. Do I fight back or just love him until he is not afraid I will abandon him again like I did when he was a child?

From A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson:

“All negativity derives from fear. When someone is angry, they are afraid. When someone is manipulative, they are afraid. When someone is cruel, they are afraid. There is no fear that love does not dissolve. There is no negativity that forgiveness does not transform.

Darkness is merely the absence of light, and fear is merely the absence of love. We can’t get rid of darkness by hitting it with a baseball bat, because there is nothing to hit. If we want to be rid of darkness, we must turn on a light. Similarly, if we want to be rid of fear, we cannot fight it but must replace it with love.

The choice to love is not always easy. The ego puts up terrible resistance to giving up fear-laden responses. This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. It’s not our job to change our own perceptions, but to remember to ask Him to change them for us.”

Hi Butterflygirl

I am so sorry for what your dealing with and your son has been violent with you, I'm glad you've reached out for support, members here understand, you are not alone. Is this the first time? It sounds like you do not feel safe? I can understand you want to call the police and concerned your son will end up in jail. Your safety comes first. I encourage you to reach out to local resources - 24/7 help hotline, it helps to talk with a real live person who can help you put together a safety plan and work with you on solutions to resolve the tough situation you are in.  

I also recommend that you look into a Safety Plan. It really helps to know what you are going to do before things escalate. When emotions are running high, it can be very difficult to make wise decisions and to find help at the last minute. Here is a link that will help you make a plan:

Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

Do you have someone you can talk to right now? We are here for you.

wendydarling

Thank you for your heartfelt concern.  All is calm on the western front. Like many borderlines who rage he is remorseful today, but I am taking precautions and still walking on eggshells. I have an exit plan. If it happens again I will wait until he is gone and leave. There is a shelter nearby and friends I can stay with. Meanwhile, I am going to do some research on codependent parents. I used to go to a Co-dependent Parents support group but they disbanded. I have my own anger issues which is why I am so sympathetic to his rage. But this guilt I carry around has become toxic and I am going to get in real trouble if I do not do something about this before  it is too late.

Hi Butterflygirl

I'm, glad to hear all is calm and you have an exit plan, a shelter nearby and friends.
 
Have you considered counselling, therapy for your anger and co-dependency?

WDx