BPDFamily.com

My pwBPD has been under a lot of stress this last week because of a final exam he has today. Sat night we had a mini rage because i didn't take into consideration his mind set and stress levels and i said something without thinking. I was so caught off guard that I cried and  fought back instead of handaling it the right way. He said shut up now or we are over. I shut up then said i don't understand what i did he said "that's it that was your last time im not walking away i'm running away." I of course had a full on meltdown but for some reason he didn't leave and he calmed down and said "i only say i'm going to leave you to get you to shut up" "if you wouldn't act like you think i'm going to leave all the time i wouldn't say it"

My question is how do I act like i don't think that? I don't think i do act like that... .yes i do think it sometimes but i do make effort for it not to show. Or is his statement just a cop out? Once again i'm confused

-- well to put bluntly... BS.

It's abuse, its emotional and mental abuse. He is using  your fear of loss of him, as a tool to control your feelings. It's sounds like narcisstic threat.

You need to set a boundary: I will not be talked to or treated in such manner, "lack of respect"
Options: Tell him succinctly, I will not let you speak to me in that manner. You are entitled to your feelings as I am to mine.
If he says something in that order again, walk away, no reaction verbally, body language,  anything. Don't let him see him have the control.  Go do something you like. If he sees there no response he may likely stop using it as his tool...

I have told him for the last 6 weeks the 1 thing i will not tolerate is him threatening to leave every time a disagreement happens or he goes into a rage and the last 5.5 weeks he hasn't done it we were doing very well with a few hiccups here and there but they were defused very quickly.

I'm not going to lie i do fear him leaving me for a reason me and my therapist can't seem to figure out i'm not even sure it's really a fear more like i don't want it to happen.

Realistically i know i'll be ok with or without him but i don't see a reason we can't work i guess. I am a very logical, rational, and intelligent girl I know when to walk away or when something is going to harm me and do major damage. Him being BPD isn't a reason in my eyes to walk away especially since he is improving (for the most part) but you are right that is a boundry that does need to be set a stuck to.

I slipped up this weekend and i know i did by not thinking before i spoke and after it happened we didn't bring it up again. Is it best in this case to let it go and then text time just walk away if he does something like this?

can you tell us a bit more about what was said, and the back and forth? that will help with the post mortem.


besides his obvious threats of leaving you, what causes you concern that he is going to leave?

He was having trouble with one of his teachers singling him out and being tough on him and i asked if he thought that it may have something to do with him being late at least 2-3 days a week for class? He said the teacher cuts out of class a hour early so who cares if i'm 30 or 45 min late i paid for that class and i employ him. I said well some people can see this as a sign of disrespect and being late whether its to work, class, or a movie it draws attention when you walk in and it's usually negative attention (he has always been very stuck in his ways when it comes to being late he said it doesn't matter and most bosses are late so why can't he be?) and that was the start of it he told me i stress him out he's going to fail his exam because of me and if i want to throw jabs at him then i can remove myself from his life and i simply said "i didn't do any of that please stop we were having a normal conversation" which i know was wrong he replies "you just don't know when to shut up all you do is badger until i break" (he used to say i push and i shut that down because he clearly didn't know the definition of push so now he had moved on to badger) then that's why he started in with leaving me and telling me we were going to be over

as far as my concern for him leaving me i honestly can't think of any other reason besides him saying he's going to leave me so much. I can say for sure that i am getting better with not feeling like this. I do believe him saying it was so he could deflect the issue at hand he also called me codependent which isn't true he knows it and our therapist has made it very clear as far as mental/psych/personality disorders go i am very much neutral and of sound mind.  I am also very careful to never throw this in his face or belittle him for the disorders he suffers from.

I don't think we want to amp up the emotion here and make it a bigger fight by "setting boundaries" in the middle of a fight. I see this advice all over the Internet. I never read, however, that it works.  

Also, a fellow support group members, we don't want to be a triangulating force in lostandconfused6 relationship by taking sides. That is a the core of drama (triangulating). This is a problem solving board, so lets focus on a solution (not on who is right and who is wrong). Let's break this down.

He was studying for final exams
- a very stressful thing for anyone
- pwBPD traits do not handle stress well
- most BPD emotional outbursts are an emotion looking for a reason
- most BPD emotional outbursts are impulsive, the person returns to baseline and its over.

1. The trick is to be as anticipatory as you can be - just a parents are of young children. Often a person with BPD shows signs of melting down before melting down. Additionally, you can learn what conditions will set them off and try to avoid them (in the case of kids, don't let them get too tired, don't let hem get hungry).

2. When you do get caught (e.g., they go off and catch you off guard), do not throw gas on the fire. This takes some skill, but you can learn it. The best thing to do is to validate the valid (not the invalid) and matter-of-factly disappear. In this case it could have been... .listen... .this teacher is being entirely unreasonable... . graciously slip out (go to the bathroom, run to the store, walk the dog, remember and urgent thing that needs to be done).

3. Don't jade. Don't try to solve the problem. Don't "set a boundary" (the worse time to set a boundary is during a fight). Don't show weakness. Don't react emotionally.  Why? Because rage is a way of making you feel his pain - if you get caught in that, he will do it again. It you don't, eventually he will realize there is no personal gain by raging.

4. If there is a value (or boundary around a value) that needs to be communicated, so that in times of calm and make it a cooperative effort. We can't be calling each other "loser", "___", "not a man" - it just will tear us down, don't you think? Once the value is set, when (because it will get tested) - just go emotionless and disinterested when he calls you a name. Remind him about it in a time of calm. Next time he does it, just walk away. Next time, leave the house for an hour.  Next time - you get it the idea.

5. After every fight, think about what you learned and use it. I don't mean to take it literally - rather read the situation and learn.

"i only say i'm going to leave you to get you to shut up" "if you wouldn't act like you think i'm going to leave all the time i wouldn't say it"

What I would learn from this is that he does things to hurt me when he is hurting. This is what I said in #3. When he feels emotionally distraught, he can relieve some of his own pain by making you emotionally distraught. This, by the way, is human nature. People with BPD just take it to extremes.

Knowing this, it is clear that if you cry and a struck down when he projects his pain on you, he will do it again. Why, it really helps him soothe his hurt. If you get emotionally caught up in it, either reacting to it or fighting it, you are rewarding this behavior.

This is hard stuff, I know.

When my ex was married, she threw dishes, slammed doors, slammed cabinets. She shared this with me on time.  The first time she did it with me, I was totally caught off guard and didn't know what to do. Fortunately I got some good advice.

So I was "tested" three times and it ended. I remember her slamming the front door so hard, one morning, one hinge broke. I didn't even look up from my computer. The only thing I said to her was when she returned. I said, I'm sorry you were so upset this morning and I hugged her. I didn't fix the door. I never mentioned the incident. She eventually hired someone to fix the door. She paid for it. I never acknowledged that either.

It's a lifestyle change.

PS: Is this legitimate statement or complete BS? Probably not the right question. I might ask, is this reasonable. Answer, no, it BPD behavior. The hardest part of a BPD relationship. Is there anything I can do to minimize or end it. Yes. Don't let it be rewarding. Don't allow emotions to be projected on you.

 C<||| Skip

Wow thank you so much! That is all very helpful and logical! I am learning day by day this is all very new to me and being human i do get emotional sometimes but i can usually see a rage coming and i prepare myself and start going over the things to do and not to do in my head. This caught me so off guard i just froze and crumbled. I do make mistakes but i am trying more for them to be fewer and further between with my pwBPD. When he left to go home yesterday he said after monday i'll be able to focus more on getting myself on track. I said ok thank you that sounds good and left it at that and kept the conversation light yesterday and this morning only brought up school when he mentioned it first and things of that nature and just agreed and validated what he's feeling.

I get asked a lot why i bother with my pwBPD and why not find someone that is "normal" I stay because he's worth it and i know he can get better and wants too a few days here and there of rages are worth it honestly. Yes, some people say i'm dumb but that's why i'm so thankful for this message board! I don't feel dumb or crazy anymore and in turn it has for the most part improved our relationship immensely

and i have tried the boundary setting only when he is level headed calm and not painting me black