BPDFamily.com

Hello
I've been posting on the Detaching board but this morning I received a reply that made me think about things differently so I thought I'd ask for some advice here.

The whole post is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312282.0

This is the reply that has made me think and my reply, you don't need to read the whole thread to get the sense:

Hullo La Carotte, if she comes and goes "literally a hundred times,"isn't that a sure sign that an intermittent relationship is her comfort zone, or the best she can do? I'd venture she uses words to the contrary, but those are just words. After all, this is BPD, with defining traits that classically include patterns of unstable relationships.

Doesn't that present a series of finite choices? We can either accept that intermittency is their "Tao" and make peace w that due to their having, BPD, or we can refuse that as not being  a good enough match for our desires, or like Syssiphys we can keep on reconnecting, wishing for a different outcome (stability), but never getting the outcome that we want.

I think it is that third outcome that is the most damaging to our psyches. Because it plays upon our deepest relational aspirational wants and dreams. Tho, when the evidence of intermittency is undeniable--clear perception is the required barometer to test the relational atmosphere. We all feel lonely and sad sometimes, but the decisional options when involved with a BPD remain constant regardless of our changing feelings/moods. Our free will remains present despite what allures. So, there are distinct finite choices. I wish you peace.

Conundrum, thank you so much for this perspective, which I've never considered before.
I am definitely Syssiphys in this situation and it is definitely damaging my psyche.
So that leaves me two choices and in truth, I don't know which is the one for me.
In fact, the intermittent nature of things wouldn't be too terrible in some ways as it gives me breathing space and time to connect with friends, do hobbies, which I can't do when she's on the scene as she demands all my attention.
The problem with it is that each time she disappears again it's always in a cloud of verbal abuse and accusations and this is definitely the last time, I am the vilest person ever to walk this earth, I'm ruining her life. And even that wouldn't be so bad as, like you say, it's just words. But. She believes it and so often goes looking for my replacement because she can't bear to be alone. And I can't stand that.  And when she does come back she projects all that on me, and can't cope with the fact that I just get on with my life now and she has no control over me (although not with replacements, I have no interest in others like that) and so gives me a hard time about whatever I do when she's not in my life.
It's hard for me to see that ever changing really, which then brings me back to  the need to walk away.
Whatever, you are entirely right that keep hoping for a different outcome is not the way.
You've given me a lot of food for thought, Conundrum, thank you.
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So I suppose my question is that do you think it's possible to get to a place where we both just accept that we're in it for the long haul intermittently, or is that me still not accepting things as they are?  And is a relationship like that genuinely sustainable long term anyway, for either or us? Any thoughts and advice would be gratefully received.

Thank you.

My mum kept asking me why knowing that he goes into these rage cycles and then few days later declares undying love I cannot get used to it and ignore/emotionally detach during the bad times.
I did not know the answer. Logically, if we know the patterns, it should never be a surprise, catch us off guard or hurt us, emotionally I could never detach from the pain.
I took this question to my T.
Her explanation was that in order to detach in the hurtful moments/days, we would have to detach ourselves fully 24/7/365. We would not be able to have or show any love or affection in good times either. We would have to become numb. The numbness would affect every single relationship in our lives, which is not a good thing because we would become robot like unable to sustain healthy relationships with friends and family. We are humans, we do not have a button that switches our emotions on demand.

Thanks Coconut
I think what your t says makes sense. I have definitely sensed an element of numbing in my feelings, which I don't particularly like, because I think what's the point of being with someone if you have limit ed feelings for  them? Thankfully I don't think I've become numb around other people, although I do find myself easily triggered in situations I know wouldn't have affected me before.

Bizarrely (though not really, I always feel she has a sixth sense) she got in touch last night, it was all very pleasant until she started an old theme, yawn. The difference now in me is that as long as I know I haven't done what she says, I no longer feel the need to JADE- I state that what she's saying isn't true, and if she continues, I warn her, then block her (we agreed ages ago that I'd do this as it's th  only way she stops, she hates it but (sometimes!) admits it works. But sigh, what's the point?

So that's yesterday I couldn't see the point in carrying on NC and making my life without her in it. And today I can't see the point in carrying on contact with her and having her in my life. I'm so fed up of feeling like this!

How comes you don't see the point of carrying on with NC?

I suppose because I'm doing it because intellectually I know it's probably the sensible thing to do, and often I don't have any choice anyway so it allows me a tiny feeling of control, but in reality it isn't what I want. Until we've been in touch, it's gone the way of all interactions, I'm emotionally battered or frustrated or angry, and then I do for a short while. Lather rinse repeat... .

NC should be your choice because it means that YOU choose to physically and emotional to cut the contact.
If you are sitting and waiting to be contacted, I don't think it can be called NC.

I think you're right, Coconut. I think I'm only just realising that.
Thank you

Hi La Carotte,

I've just replied to another post of yours before I saw this.  It may be useful to you or to someone else reading to point out this great article.  I found this and read it thoroughly a few times before going NC.  It helped me a great deal to understand what my motivation was and to be sure it was the right way to go for me.  Hope it's helpful if you still have any questions on this topic.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

Love and light x