BPDFamily.com

This is a long story, so apologies in advance... .I will try to condense it as much as possible.

My husband has always had what I thought was an anger management issue. From the time we started dating, he's always been a short tempered. He would get sassy and annoyed with people over little stuff. He came from a very difficult upbringing where he never wanted for anything material but both parents had addictions and personality issues. His dad abandoned him for two weeks when he was 15, after gambling away all the family's money.

When we got married we got pregnant right away and fought a lot those first few years. I thought it was normal for a new marriage working out the kinks. The longer we were married, we had smoothed out the rough spots, he would give me lavish gifts, letters, etc. But he always spent a lot of time outside of the house and on other projects. We kind of became like roommates. He would still blow up, a LOT, about little things. Especially on vacation, with friends, and under stress. Once, he freaked out because I forgot to pack his blue jeans for a trip we took to visit friends. I spent the rest of the night with a pit in my stomach.

There were a lot of times where he didn't pay me much attention. He would get very involved with his hobbies. I sometimes sought attention from others, flirting with friends, etc. I never cheated or shared risque pictures, but there were times that I toyed with the idea because I felt a little alone at home. He caught me texting once, and got furious, but we eventually worked it out.

Our second baby caused a lot more turmoil as I struggled with PPD and he struggled with having a newborn. He's a total control freak, and does not deal well with newborns who are unpredictable.

Then, earlier this year, he had been spending a lot of time outside of the house again. He said he was struggling with anxiety, he was drinking a lot, and things just seemed off. Eventually, he confided in me that he was afraid I would leave him. That he felt at any moment that this beautiful life he created would all come crashing down. A few weeks later he admitted that he was bi-sexual. He had known this about himself for years and had never acted on it, but also never told me. This was the cause of his anxiety.

I wasn't sure how to respond, but I told him that I would be open to talking about ways for him to explore that. Within a week he had set up a grindr account and had an encounter with a man while he was away on business. He kept it from me for a week because this activity was not part of any agreement we had about his exploration. He finally told me when he was hospitalized for chest pain and had to have a heart cath in the middle of the night.

Since then, we tried (quite unsuccessfully) to navigate an open marriage. In the last 6 months, things have been a roller coaster of up and down. He's had four other experiences, which I consented to, and was very supportive of. I've also had one other encounter with a mutual friend which my husband has known about and fully consented to and even participated in, but his jealousy issues with it have been awful. Now knowing more fully what we're working with, an open marriage was probably the worst idea ever.

The stress we've been under has brought out the absolute worst in him. He's been the meanest he's ever been, building me up and then tearing me down. Calling me names in front of my children, and going from zero to 60 in a matter of minutes. He's ruined vacations and nights that were supposed to be fun by drinking and lashing out.

His normal cycle will go like this: I will accidentally say something that will piss him off or make him question me, he will start in with questions and turning the blame around on me, when I defend myself he will get angry and storm around the house making accusations and saying very mean and untrue things, once i get to the point of tears, i will apologize and take blame. Then he will console me and tell me all about how awful he is and how i don't deserve him so I have to tell him otherwise. Then the next day he will be all apologies and special attention until the next blow up.

I'm feeling very anxious all the time, walking on eggshells, afraid to set him off. I also feel guilty and like all of this is my fault. When things are good, they're quite good, but otherwise, his actions are hurting my spirit.

So there it all is! We're at the beginning of recognizing the problem and working on the solution. And I would appreciate any feedback or insight!