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Title: Help, am I going mad? Post by: Hickory on July 20, 2017, 01:05:06 AM My partner has not been diagnosed. I have trawled the internet and BPD makes the most sense. Except not the self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Right now I just don't see a way out unless he admits there is something wrong. Yesterday I messaged him, after 3 days of silent treatment (this is an unusual manipulation for him), and said he is abusive. I've said this before. We've been together 3 years, married for two, living together just for one. He is now saying I'm the abusive wife. His temper and intolerance is at an outrageous level. He blames me for the slightest things and whilst in what I call the 'zone' cannot reason. When out the other side, the apologies start. I quickly accept them but the cycle happens weekly. If I try to walk away and not engage I'm accused of sulking. If I apologise he can't accept the apology. I can't see a way out and am devastated. I don't know what to do. I have no job currently and little money and a dog. I feel trapped with a man I love but that behaves like an angel or monster. He hates my son since an awful incident at our wedding. He ultimately 'lost the plot' and was unable to calm down. We both feel so traumatised as I blame him and he blames my son. It's awful. I don't want to be without him but how can I get him to go to a doctor? We had counselling before we got married. . . Maybe I made the worst decision thinking I could cope with what we simply labelled a 'difficult' person. Any help much appreciated.
Title: Re: Help, am I going mad? Post by: JoeBPD81 on July 20, 2017, 05:33:29 AM Hello PenelopeParsons, and *welcome*
I'm very sorry to hear about your suffering. We all feel trapped and with no way out very often, we feel desperate and alone. At the very least, you are not alone, millions of family members know what you are going through, and some of them are here. When we decide to come out of "hiding" we discover we are not alone in this. The first most important question is: Are you and your son safe? (how old is he?) You say you have no job and little money, but can you count on your family's support if things go sideways, or for short "time-outs"? Not having self-harm or suicide thoughts is good news. It is what scare us the most. On the other hand, self harm and thinking about suicide are twisted tools to regulate very intense emotions. So his other defense mechanisms have to be stronger, in order not to need those. Check out if he might fit the criteria for narcisistic PD. Being a man myself, I have to say that your son comes first. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. Be sure you put him first. You don't want to pass along your suffering. Having said that. There is always room for improvement. Being able to share your fears and frustrations, that already helps. But you have a lot of great resources on this website, take your time, and with patience you can improve a lot your own anxiety, and apply tools to the relationship that would improve the situation. There is hope. Take care of yourself, accept the situation, and start the change bit by bit. Title: Re: Help, am I going mad? Post by: Tattered Heart on July 20, 2017, 08:15:07 AM *welcome*
SO sorry to hear that you are so frustrated with your marriage right now. I know how difficult it can be trying to maneuver the ups and downs of living with a pwBPD. One thing I do when my H begins to attack my character or tries to turn blame onto me is to remind myself that whatever he is accusing me of, is what he is actually accusing himself of. It's called projection. One way us nons can help ourselves is to detach from the emotion of the moment. When your H begins to get emotional, remain calm. When he begins to attack you, how do you usually respond? Your H may never go to treatment and nothing you do can force him to go. He can make his own decisions. The only thing you can control is how you respond to him. It's easy to see ourselves as victims of our pwBPD. Afterall, they say and do things to us that are mean and hurtful. They yell and demean us. But at the same time, us nons do things that add to the dysfunction in our relationship. And when we can change our behavior and how we react to our pwBPD, we can start to see changes in the way they respond to us, even if it's little changes. We have workshops on the right side of the page. Here is a link to one of our workshops on "Are we victims?" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0 |