BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone!
I am new here and thought I should introduce myself. Finding this forum has been a blessing! My ex is not diagnosed with BPD but I am seeing lots of similarities in his behaviour to the behaviours described on here. I am going to give a summary of what’s been going on with me and my ex. So sorry it’s so long, I just feel I should relay our whole history up until now.

My ex and I have been on and off for nearly 2.5 years. We started seeing each other on a casual basis (I wasn’t really looking for something serious at the time and told him this) but he soon suggested we started becoming more involved and I eventually agreed. However, when we started doing this I felt he started pushing me away-he would often cancel plans we had made last minute because he wasn’t feeling well, something had come up or he was hungover/coming down from drugs. I would tell him this really upset me and he would stop it for a bit but then start again.

Anyway, this pattern continued until he asked me to go away for a romantic break with him. I was very excited about it and planning everything but then around a week later he told me he had slept with someone else (unprotected). I broke it off but over the Christmas period we started messaging and he invited me down to his parents for NYE, only to cancel on the actual day as he was feeling “a mess” and said he was an emotional wreck. When I told him I was really upset he became verbally abusive and told me to ‘F*** off and leave him alone’. I managed to de-escalate the situation and we ended our texting on friendlier terms.
No further contact was made until 2 weeks later when he randomly texted to ask how I was. I was quite concerned that he was having a mental breakdown, as I had heard of others that he had been arrested for drunken behaviour, been using a lot of drugs and said he was in a ‘dark place’, so I tried to be supportive to him but maybe went overboard. However, the last-minute cancellations kept happening so I eventually messaged him to say that we shouldn’t be in contact, I wanted to a committed relationship and was falling in love with him but he needed to focus on himself and get better. He didn’t reply.

I tried to forget about him and move on but a few months down the line he started messaging and pursuing me, saying he missed me and wanted to meet up, that he was in a better place. I eventually agreed, stupidly thinking we were getting back together. We spent the weekend together and it was nice but afterwards he started being distant and pushing me away. He also started to tell me that he was hooking up with lots of other women, including prostitutes, and even sent me a pic of him and another woman together when he knew I was working a night shift (I’m a nurse).

Eventually, I had enough so started stepping back. I started dating someone else and he was really angry when he found out, constantly messaging, saying he couldn’t believe I was choosing someone over him, telling me it was my loss. I had never seen this side to him and was quite shocked, seeing as recently he had loved telling me about all the other women he was sleeping with.  I didn’t work out with the guy I was dating but I was feeling very fed up of the situation with my ex.
After he forgot my birthday and he didn’t’ contact me over Xmas (we agreed we would see each other over the holidays) I decided I had enough and wanted space. I had started seeing a therapist and she encouraged me to block him and to spend 2017 focusing on myself and feeling better. I blocked him on January 2nd. For 3 months, we had no contact and I started to feel a lot better in myself and realize that I can survive without him (sounds silly I know).

He started emailing me in March begging to meet but I refused, saying I wanted a loving, committed relationship with no drama. This occasional emailing continued until June when we agreed to meet. We met up on a few occasions and had a really nice time, we managed to not have sex (which is a first) and I started believing that he may be changing. However, soon the last-minute cancelling started again and this caused me anxiety.
This Sunday we were meant to meet but he cancelled due to feeling unwell and not feeling like he wanted to see anyone. I asked him to tell me what he wanted with me as this was causing me anxiety. He just texted back: “ok, don’t want to cause you anxiety, just forget me and move on.” I was so angry that I replied “ok I think you are right, I do need to move on”.

I have heard nothing since. I am feeling really hurt, but also angry at myself for being so stupid. I don’t even know what I want anymore, part of me really wants him to text. I love him but feel so stupid for loving him. I haven’t told my friends as I know they would just say ‘I told you so’.
Apologies again for this being such a long post but any help and advice would be most appreciated.
Eurus  :)

Hi Eurus

I'm just so very sorry to read your story. BPD and associated behaviours are extremely confusing and extremely difficult to cope with as you are discovering.

Those called off events are normal in my house. I normally spend my time on Parenting and I observe a similar behaviour pattern with my adult son and his GF. It's so frustrating for her and she found it very difficult to understand.

You've invested a lot of yourself into this relationship. Of course it hurts when you're having the rug pulled out from under you constantly.

Have you heard from you ex since your post?

My advice is to pause and do nothing more than give yourself some time. I don't make good decisions when I'm highly emotional. I've a bit of a history of acting a bit crazy, when I don't feel that there's an equal input into a relationship. Give yourself some time to calm down, let your emotions even out and get some balance. You'll find you're thinking straighter and better able to understand what it is that you want to do (always remembering that want and should are different things!).

Take very good care of yourself, real care. Give yourself time to calm.

Hugs

LP

Everyone on this site will tell you that a relationship with some one with BPD is hard. Set backs, name calling, agreements being broken are par for the course. The thing I have always told my daughters is. ":)on't settle with some one you can live with, but find some one you can't live without." The only person that can answer that question is you.
I suggest talking with other people here so you get a real feeling for what is takes.

Hope this helps never been good expressing my feeling in writing. Good luck no matter what you choose.
Be safe and happy!

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for your kind replies, I am truly grateful for them.
Sorry for such a long delay in responding to them, been having issues with my wifi.

I have been able to take time out and step back, this allowed me to feel less emotional. I realise that I don't want the relationship he is offering me, as I always end up feeling second best. My ex and I didn't speak for a week but he then called my best friend one night to say that though he really liked me he wanted to be with someone who wants kids now, not a few years down the line. Now of course I don't think he's serious about kids but I think it's his way of saying he doesn't want to be with me. He has started counselling recently and had been messaging to say it's going well but I have stepped back emotionally as I think it's best for everyone if I am not involved while he is having counselling.i get the odd text that he misses me but it never turns into anything more than a text conversation.

Thank you once again for all your support. Fingers crossed I can maintain this current approach I have.