BPDFamily.com

I am in a relationship with a women, who has an 8 year old child who both live with me, and it needs to end.  She has BPD mixed with NPD, and the anger/rage/emotional abuse has reached an intolerable level, and as she refuses to accept any responsibility for her actions (blames me for every problem in the relationship), I don't see it ever getting better.  She has already threatened me with a social media smear, and her rage on several occasions has manifested itself with the destruction of property.  I have no doubt that if I were to tell her it's over and that she needs to move out, that the emotional abuse would increase, the property destruction could be devastating, and that she would, no doubt, make every attempt to 'destroy' me as she has threatened.  Has anyone else ever been in this situation?  How was it handled?  Any suggestions or recommendations on how to handle it to minimize trauma?  Any help would be greatly appreciated!   

My ex would hit walls and threaten to kill himself
 I would tell him I would call the cops if he didn't stop. This made him stop. I would literally pick up my cell phone . I hope this idea help you
 Sorry to hear about your struggle especially with a child involved.
 

Has she ever hit you or thrown things at you?

It sounds like you are stuck here,  but there are several things you can do without alerting her (which may escalate things,  sounds like). Local Domestic Violence hotlines are anonymous. Talking to an experienced, caring voice on the phone can help alleviate some of your anxiety.  Additionally,  they can offer you local recources as well as discussing Safety Plans, such as we have here,  take a look:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I talked my ex through DV one night on the phone and encouraged her to call a local hotline (in this case it was the YWCA), and she said that they were very helpful.  Do you think you can make a local call to start?

It may seem counter-intuitive since it sounds like you want out of this r/s (your safety being the primary concern), but the communication tools on the Improving Board in Lesson#3 may help to reduce conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

It may be hard,  but you can do both: attempting to reduce conflict while planning to get out. 

Hi Head is Spinning,

I can relate to what you fear.  I don't know if there is a way to ensure none of those things happen but maybe a possibility of reducing the damage.

I moved all of my personal/sentimental items out of the house before I announced I was leaving.  I felt the build up, knew the pattern and knew that he would "end it" again soon so I decided this time I would actually leave.  I left the boxes out so he didn't know the things inside were gone. 

Anything of sentimental value that you are worried about move it... .monetary things... .use your best judgement... .if she starts to destroy those things I would just calmly tell her she needs to stop or you will call the police and you will press charges to ensure she pays for the damage.  Try to remember that all those things can be fixed and replaced.

It was kind of funny because I had some jewelry in the safe and I removed the items but left the boxes.  After about a week into the "moving out" phase.  He comes to me and asks me what I am going to do with the jewelry (cause most he had given me)  I just looked at him and said, "why?".  Because in my head, it's my jewelry why does he care but I knew he had opened the boxes and saw it was gone.  He acted concerned about where I might have sold it and whether I got enough money for it.  I just told him, "I'm not worried about it." 

In my situation, I was leaving so I didn't have to worry about him destroying the property but so weird because he followed me around and acted like I might... .so stupid. He had friends come over and watch me. 

I'm sure it's alot harder when she is in your home and you need her to leave. I'm sure their are legalities you should follow too.  Just slowly start moving those sentimental things that can't be replaced somewhere else.  Even if you have to get a temporary storage to protect them. 

This will probably be one of the hardest things you have to go through but once she is out and the locks are changed... .it's over and your safe and free and the world just seems like paradise.  I remember when I drove away with the last box in my car.  I cried tears of joy and relief.  Never looked back. 

Bunny