BPDFamily.com

I have been with my partner for 6 years, 2 years married. A year or so into our relationship I realized something was different from any relationship I had in the past.  Having had some family (divorce) counseling when I was young made it easy for me to address the issue.  I was able to find a therapist that was super helpful for a while and was able to get him to go with me... .At the beginning it seemed as we had found our golden ticket... .but this was short lived as she upset him and he wouldn't go back. 

However, it did allow me time to gain a few tools necessary in dealing with our daily life.  I love him and don't want to see us divorced as I feel I have been fairly successful in dealing with his BP and what that brings to our life.

Recently he was diagnosed with lung cancer which led to a resection of his lung, and these new health concerns have now elevated his BP to an unrecognizable level.  His demeanor has become extremely challenging.  I am aware that this recent health event would be challenging for anyone but more so someone with his special needs.

I was hoping for some guidance from anyone who may have dealt successfully with severe health concerns in a person with BP?

I have recently bought/read "THE ESSENTIAL FAMILY GUIDE" but it doesn't really touch on my particular subject matter. As I am losing the battle with his extreme mood-swings, outburst(s), self-loathing and consistent neediness, which has translated into a need to have me near him every-moment of every day.  However, as I am the sole financial support for our family, I don't have the option to stay home with him every day. 

If anyone has any suggestions I look forward to your advice.   

Hello Wheelin Elf , and *welcome*

I'm very sorry to hear about your suffering. I'm sure I remember some people sharing experiences about serious health problems before and how that makes people with BPD more disregulated. Here we are a lot of members, and posts go down very quickly. I suggest you to open one with a title that shows the problem at hand. Such as "BPD + serious health problems. Help."

My SO has a very advanced anorexia, maybe it doesn't sound as a seroius illness when you haven't lived that, but we know she might die any day. She's been battling all her life with that, and her BPD syntoms were mild when she had that under control (when she had a healthy weight), but got much worse when she relapsed. Also the very diagnosis of BPD shook her reality too and made her worse for a while.

What I can say is that they process any change or bad news very slowly. Any time they remember it, it's like experiencing it all over again. But, they eventually do get over it, and the behaviour goes back to "base line". I hope he gets better and that the stress can go down for both of you. Find any opportunity to reassure that you are not leaving him, and when you leave the house, tell him when you are coming back. I'm sure he blames himself for being sick, and that brings shame for him and a reason for self loathing and a reason to think he doesn't deserve you.

Good luck!

Welcome Wheelin Elf,

I am so sorry to hear of the rough time you and your husband are going through.  Several years ago, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it was during her treatment that I found out what BPD was.  Things got bad enough that I went to a counselor, who suggested that I read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  Compared to me, you're ahead of the game, as you already understand about BPD.

I've found that stressful situations amplify my wife's symptoms, and facing cancer put the stress levels off the charts.  One of the most excruciatingly painful parts about the experience was that she turned on me when she was most desperate for support, cutting me down emotionally with great drama, which made it awfully hard for me to stay put together myself and be the person she needed.

With respect to strategies, in large part, I don't think things are fundamentally different, they are just amplified due to stress.  So keep working on your tools, as well as doubling up on self care.

You may have already done this, but in a calm time consider talking to your husband about what kind of support he needs from you, and what makes him feel better.  Also, try to diversify his support system, so it's not just you.  My wife found a huge amount of support in a breast cancer support group.  With those groups it's often good to be with a bunch of people in a similar circumstance, which may or may not be possible (I'm guessing your husband may be on the younger side of the lung cancer population).  It would definitely be worth calling around. There may be a support group for people around your husband's age.  :)oes he have any male friends who you think are good for him and you could encourage him to spend time with?

One thing that helped my wife considerably was exercise.  She read that regular exercise reduces the chances of cancer recurrence by 50%.  She had never really exercised in her life, but since that time has become a super disciplined walker and exercise class person.  The most important immediate benefit was that it allowed her to feel like she was taking control (loss of control is scary), plus she got the usual mood benefits of exercise.  The YMCA has a free program for cancer survivors that might help your husband get started.  It's called "Living Strong, Living Well."

You mentioned being the sole provider for your family.  When my wife was sick, my boss was very supportive and told me to take all the time that I needed, but when the project I was on later ran into trouble, all of that was forgotten; a business needs to run no matter what.  :)o what you can to reduce risk at work -- avoid taking on any tough new projects, etc. and try to keep work in a place where you can keep everyone there happy while running at something less than your full capacity.  Unless you have the happy circumstance where you're in such a good groove at work that it feeds you energy and support, which would be sweet

You mentioned outbursts, self-loathing, and neediness from your husband.  :)oes your husband feel good when he does something that meets your needs?  If he's not working and his body has rebelled against him with cancer, I imagine he feels pretty down.  Is it possible that you can get a two-fer by figuring out things he could do for you, or already does and could do for you more, which could make you feel a bit better, and if you pile on the thanks and validation, make him feel better?  I'm thinking small home repair projects, manly home organization like straightening the garage, planting things for you if you have a yard, etc. but for you and your husband it may be different things. Explain that you want to take care of him, but need him to take care of you a bit, which in turn will help you to be strong and take care of him.  :)oes this sound potentially useful in your situation?

Can you think of other areas where your husband might develop some confidence and competence?  You didn't say what your husband has done for work in the past, or whether working again may be realistic.  A class or skill building that may have future benefits for work could be a good thing, or if that's too big a thing at this point, even something like a class for fun, or a skill for a new or old hobby or volunteering could be good.  Anything to help with a sense of purpose.

Do you have a language of non-sexual physical affection that works for you and your husband?  You sound very thoughtful, and likely have this all worked out, but in the new situation it may be worth experimenting.  A hand on the shoulder, neck rub, holding hands, etc. can be super powerful for calming and bonding.  If this is a new thing, you can start small, like with a small touch to the shoulder at the right moment.

In summary, I suppose I'd say not to worry that there is a complicated special formula you need that is just for those with BPD and a serious illness.  The BPD expression will be much stronger, but the fundamentals for coping are still valid, and whether he has BPD or not, thinking of ways one would help a non-working man suffering from a life threatening illness will likely lead you to things that could be helpful for your husband.

If you have come this far, you can definitely make it through this!  Good luck, and please give us an update or ask more questions!