BPDFamily.com

I'm not exactly new here, just haven't been on here for a while. I used to belong to the group when it was called WTOAdultChildren. Did anyone else's BPD Mum feel the need to repeatedly "expose" any weaknesses you may have had to other people? My Mum insisted on repeating conversations where I had said things I didn't want repeated and she would stand and talk about me and laugh at me with other people with me present! It was as if I wasn't there. Once she even did this to a girl who was in my year at school (I was about 13) and her Mum. It was humiliating to have all 3 of them standing and laughing at me as if I wasn't there. I also once told her my partner and I were having problems and weren't sleeping together (my Dad had said he would give me some money and I wanted the money so I could move out, hence the reason for my disclosing this). I now regret doing this a) because they both refused to help me - forcing me to stay in a relationship that was going nowhere and b) I'm fairly certain my Mother told other family members eg cousins that my partner and I weren't sleeping together. Humiliation and shame were a huge part of my so-called "relationship" with my cruel and nasty borderline mother.

Hi Jeanie and welcome back.  I am sorry to hear of the things your mother did to you.  It is all very hurtful and damaging.

My mother did the same thing to me, humiliating me in front of friends and family, even talking about me and warning my friends about the kind of person I was and how they needed to be careful.

Humiliation and shame are horrible weapons to use against anyone, especially ones own child.  Can you see how what she did was all about her, her fears about her own self and her lack of boundaries?  How none of it had anything to do with you and there was nothing in you that caused her behavior?  Or are you able to see all that already?

  hey, friend. I understand how much that hurts. My mother has done this to me throughout my life, too. For example, when I came out to her that I was in a relationship with a woman in my high school, she made me call my brothers and pushed me to tell them... .she would say "[name], Farfalla has something to say... ." and stare me down until I did it. She would also tell people about crushes/ people I liked when I told her not to.

Humiliation and shame have been a huge part of my personal relationship with my mother too. I was always afraid to set her off... .I always thought that if I avoided doing something shameful that she wouldn't shame me... .but as you know it's not just about saving face.

I am sorry you're going through this right now. I wanted to respond because I am not sure how to create boundaries around this behavior.

Any time an adult (teacher, friend's mom, neighbor, etc.) complimented me on being a good kid, my uBPDM would be right there to say something like, "HA!  You don't know how she REALLY is... ." and go on a mini smear campaign with me standing there, staring at the floor as these people I liked and respected were told how I was a crazy, defiant, disrespectful, stupid, miserable wretch. She especially liked to talk about times where I "lost it," conveniently leaving out the hours-long sessions of badgering from her that preceded it.

When I finally caught on to this, I made a concerted effort to keep my non-family relationships away from her.  I was then accused of being "secretive".  I also made a concerted effort to hide any and all feelings.  I was then "cold" and "hateful."

Ultimately, I went NC.  It took a lot of time and work to stop believing her version of me, and see myself for who I really am.

My mother does this too.

One of my boundaries is to not tell my mother anything that I wouldn't mind being on the news! For instance- I may say something like "your grand daughter's soccer team won today" " we saw this great movie" but not something personal about me or anyone else.

It is pretty amazing how long I can carry on a conversation on this level.  My mother may push for more personal information but I keep avoiding the topic.

This boundary was made because I have learned that I can not rely on her to keep confidential things confidential. I can not control what she chooses to say, all I can do is control what I tell her.

We really have no control over what anyone chooses to say.

Unfortunately, my mother then has made things up about me. I can't control that either.