BPDFamily.com

Emotional abuse began in first year of relationship - for the first 25 yrs I knew nothing about BPD - Now I am 70 and my partner is 66yo - For many years I tried many different approaches at improving communication - trying to understand cursing rages - sarcasms - silences - followed by short improvements - I read Walking on Eggshells and recognized my life and the personality disorder as well as my co-dependency.  I felt that if she had been diagnosed with cancer or had a head injury from an accident I would not want to leave her - lots of guilt over the years - lots of emotional pain - she lost one job after another and was amnesic that she had been fired for rages at her supervisors - Our social life became more isolated and as she got older she began to hoard everything including rescuing animals - unable to share in care of house or animals.  Until 20 yrs ago she refused to try therapy - until I left and said I would return with a sheriff for my things.  She began therapy and continues to go - We were in couples therapy with the same therapist for several years.  Our therapist had little knowledge about BPD until the last 5 years and has been going to educational programs.  Ive been in therapy since I considered suicide - my educational goals and work have included periods of separation - her father was a merchant mariner and I initially thought that our separations were not a crisis for her - but now know that it was experienced as abandonment.  we had a long distance relationship for 6 yrs when I took a faculty position post PhD - returned to try again when she did not want to move.  Several years back she asked me not to come to couples therapy any longer - and I've had 4 therapists of my own over the 40 yrs - my last 3 therapists kept asking me if I didn't deserve to be happy.  All my journals are filled with repeated rages and emotional abuses.  I moved out of the house 4 months ago - took an apartment - after she threatened to kill me twice.  We live in rural PA - recently I met with a lawyer and the state police - PA does not recognize cohabitation and I cant get a restraining order until she physically hurts me - 3 years ago she drove my car into a pond on the property - totaling it.  She replaced the car when she worked through her increasing periods of rage with her therapist (previously our therapist) .  For 2 weeks she left raging voice mails on my cell phone - none in past 2 weeks.  But all my personal and accumulated possessions remain in the house we have been renting for 25 years.  It is trashed now and - in her deep depression - she has not cared for the house or the property and has been inconsistent with caring for the animals. 
A dog she would rage about as "your dog did... ." I found a good home for- After I had done that she left messages that if I did not bring that dog back she would destroy everything I valued.  I recently read "Stop being a Caregiver... ." and saw myself and my contributions to our relationship on each page as well as her emotional upheavals - I am closer to leaving at the end of my apt lease next March1 - but suffer from fantasies that things could still be salvaged.  her therapist has only shared with me that my partner is suffering and is confused as to why I want to leave.  My partner has heard of BPD from both her therapist and psychiatrist but doesn't believe it describes her or our relationship.  I don't see any future as long as my partner has no insight into why she has lost many jobs and friends.  I am extremely sad but look to the future - she has not been able to care for me when I had several surgeries - she was unable to deal with her own mother's illness - separated herself from her 3 sisters and refused to go to her mother's funeral.  I know that if I were to have a serious illness (my mother and grandmother died of massive heart attacks in their 60's) I am at high risk for a stroke - I know she would be abusive - emotionally and physically. 
I was advised by the lawyer I met that in the event that my partner did pursue legal action the chances in PA were that I would be responsible for supporting her for a period of time and I would be responsible for all repairs to the rental house.  My partner has already said she will not pay for any of the repairs that are needed. 
I continue to work.  I did send her a letter saying I would take care of the house rent and utilities as well as my own apt rent and utilities - the car and rental insurances - and half the repairs to house destruction - until March 1, 2018.  My lease is up then and I am preparing to leave the area.
  Friends we had together cannot understand her behavior and do not understand BPD.  She works PT as an RN and has come close to losing that job as well - We had gone through debt counseling several years ago - I have less than 15,000 to repay - but she has accumulated more debt - nearly 50,000 -  I have gone into my pension to keep up the two living arrangements - and don't see myself retiring for several years.  My only family is a stepbrother, sister in law, niece and nephew who live across the state.  While they are supportive I do not intend to be a burden if I fall ill.  I have always worked night shift and as an RN do not have a set schedule - every six weeks our small staff change weekdays and week nights as part of our unit scheduling rules - to accommodate diverse family needs we all have.  I do not have WiFi in the rental I am in and use the work computer for these communications - so I cannot get on line on the days I don't work.  Also I have medical appts - support groups - and a therapist that fill my calendar spaces.  I do have unlimited data thru my Verizon cell and can connect that way. 
   When I saw this site several months ago I was right in the middle of the chaos at the house - and the physical threats.  Now I am trying to get my life in some kind of order and look to the future -  yet there is this unrelenting hope that "things could change" - knowing they can't without her own understanding of her emotional storms and the impact it has had on me and all her other relationships and jobs.
  This is all the time I had tonight - it was quiet at work - rare - so I plan on getting back on site as often as possible.  thanks for being out there -  I am not suicidal any longer and I do want a life without fear and emotional storms.

Dear PhillyRick-
Welcome to the BPD FAMILY.  I am so glad you found our community and hope you'll have the time to read some of the resources available on this site to assist in helping you understand more about coping with the difficulties of a partner with BPD.

I am so deeply sorry to hear of the pain you've endured over the last 40 years.  What I see in you is a deeply loving, forgiving and compassionate woman.  And like a lot of us, you struggle with your codependent tendencies, which often don't serve us very well, do they?


You've given a very honest, heartfelt post and shared that her abuse began during the first year of your relationship.  You've shared that your relationship has brought you isolation, financial duress, emotional abuse, physical threats against your safety, ongoing rages against you and an irresponsible partner who takes no responsibility for any of her actions.  I am certain that you have forgiven pretty unforgivable behavior time and time again.  And you've shared that this relationship has brought you to consider suicide in the past.  I understand these thoughts.  I do. 

My friend, with all that you've said and all the pain you've endured, There is something you said that struck me like lightning, and I ask you to take a good , hard look at it.  PhillyRick - you said "I don't see any future as long as my partner has no insight into why she has lost so many jobs and friends."  Please... .don't minimize the other incredibly painful and frankly, frightening things she has done.  She has threatened your life.

I understand that you remain conflicted about your relationship.  But Your partner has been going to therapy for several years, and yet there still appears to be no acknowledgement or taking of responsibility on her part for ANYTHING.  Why?

I have to say, and I hope my post doesn't get pulled, but I get that you would not leave if your partner became ill with cancer or a head injury from an accident.  But none of us voluntarily signs up to be treated with cruelty until the end of our lives.   When we commit to our partners, (legally married or not) we express the intention to love, honor and cherish, not to repeatedly express hate, be demeaning, rage and threaten. 

I understand that after all these years you may naturally have some underlying fears about leaving; but there may very well be some incredible happiness around your corner - either flying solo or with a new love.  You deserve to be comforted and loved.  Truly loved.  I'm sensing you DO still have a network of friends who would envelop you and support you through any loneliness you may feel during your initial detachment period.  And we will be here for you.  There are wonderful tools on our site to assist with the detachment process if that is the path you decide to take.

There are many others in our community who are or have been in long term marriages.  You can read some of those posts and gain additional insight.

Your safety is paramount, and I feel an obligation to point that out to you, dear PhillyRick.  Your personal safety, health and wellbeing must come above everything else.  Please make no mistake about that.  There is no "guilt" about that.  Ever.  That is where the buck stops.

My friend, the bottom line ALWAYS is that we can neither change nor control ANYONE except ourselves.  And as sad as it is, you cannot heal her or "fix" her.  And it doesn't sound as if she is interested in being a better person or changing ANYTHING about herself.  These years of therapy just sound like a place she goes... .

Please care for yourself.  Draw strength from your support system and from new friends here.  A little fear is OK.  You WILL be OK.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Wow. I thank you for sharing this. This is a very sobering and thought-provoking post. I am 6.5 years into this and planning to stay the duration, but... .

My situation has not been nearly so challenging. My guy has traits from what I can tell, perhaps not the full extent of things... .He is more high-functioning.

I wonder too as I look ahead if I will have any true happiness in my life ever. This "walking on eggshells" stuff sets off a lot of anxiety for me.

I have that same "unrelenting hope" that you speak of. It runs deep, huh? I wonder as I read this though if we should reattach that "unrelenting hope" to other parts of our life? I hear where you are coming from. My weak spot in life is I had a parent die of a long-terminal illness and watched the other parent abandon the family during this time. I swore not to be "this kind of person." So, that is one thing that pushes me on in staying through the sometimes unbearable things I stay through.

I am working with the idea of focusing on any possible small present joy I can find. I look at pictures on the internet that are beautiful (via accounts I've signed up with on Twitter) and just spend time with that. I am much more isolated than you are at the moment. I wish you peace and happiness and hope my reaching out to you bit provides you a little comfort.

*welcome*

Hi PhillyRick

You wrote a great post.   For me it was like reading my story except for the duration,  my partner and I didn't last as long as 40 years.    I am glad you joined.   Thank you.


In the past I have said almost the exact same thing.  Almost word for word.   My partner was diagnosed as bipolar 1 comorbid with another disorder.  She would never name the other disorder.   I eventually came to my own conclusion that it was either BPD or NPD and that those two disorders are so very close they are difficult for professionals to tell apart.   

My partner was/is compliant with medication, regular with therapy, careful about potential food/drink/sleep triggers which could create a bipolar mania event.    She would acknowledge that she wasn't neuro typical, even cheerfully some times.   Even on medication and with support she devolve into crying jags that lasted 20 to 30 hours and rage storms that lasted half that long.    I have come to learn that the biochemical aspects of mental illness respond to the current treatment modalities slightly better than personality disorders.   Personality disorders, being embedded in the personality; are harder to work with.    I can see this in my own life, to some degree,  all of us are somewhere on the spectrum and my personality leans more to the depressive, avoidant type.   I can't imagine trying to change my own personality so much that I no longer depressive/avoidant cluster C on the scale.

My partner told me that she had a concern that if she took the medication and did all the therapy that eventually she would end up being so different, so much another personality that she would no longer be her.    She decided she was most comfortable living right on the edge of hypomania and her medication choices reflected that.


I am going to echo Gemsforeyes C<||| and what she said about safety.   My relationship became violent.    It's a long story for another time but suffice to say that I broke my hand requiring surgery, 4 posts and a plate to put it back together.    My experience was the incredibly intense emotions that were part and parcel of my relationship,  the extreme high conflict that we lived in flashed over to violence literally in seconds.    The domestic violence experts tell me that is often the case.    Some people describe it as 'snapping'.   That's not how it felt to me,... .what seems to be true for me is like a Coca Cola bottle that has been shaken and shaken and shaken once the cap was off there was no containing the soda, it went everywhere and made quite the mess.

The domestic violence people tell me that once a relationship has reached this level of verbal and physical violence, once that line has been crossed, it is so difficult to put the relationship back together that it is almost impossible.    The way it was put to me was "once that genie is out of the bottle, there is no putting him back.   he (the genie) will be able to go farther faster".    I agree with that.   The rule I had with my ex partner was 'hitting is no good'.    I said that a lot.    It was an odd experience when I had to actually live up to my often spoken words.

 

I noticed this.   It resonated at a couple of levels for me.   Hopefully I can articulate a few thoughts here.    My ex left me just as my mother lay dying.   She couldn't handle the stress.   She made it about other things of course.  Projected blame and shame on me.    She was so good at making the irrational sound logical.   But the end result was that as my mother experienced the end of her life I walked through that alone.   In a dysfunctional family, the burden of care giving and decision making fell disproportionally on me.   Intellectually I can understand my partners stress reactions,  in my head I know her needs will always,  always come first.   but I have to say that I resented it then and I still do now.   

I think your assessment of how she would act in the event of a serious illness for you is probably spot on.   It's not hyperbole.   It's a real consideration and one I tossed about in my head.   In the end, for me, the practical realities overwhelmed the emotional considerations.     I could not physically live in the chaos that was our life,  at some level I knew it was going to kill me.   And that isn't hyperbole either.   What helped me a great deal was the idea that I didn't have to change my emotions,... I would give myself permission to continue to love her, continue to care for her but rather than express those emotions to her I would redirect them into other healthier areas.   When I thought about her I would go for a walk.    I now know the emotions I have for her can not be safely expressed to or with her.   


You didn't specifically ask for help on a topic but I thought I would mention that there is a 'legal' board on this site.   I've found it to be quite helpful.   Even if some of the posts didn't relate to me directly it was insightful to see other's experiences, information, advice.    I would recommend it.


I noticed you read Margalis Fjelstad's book.   Boy I loved that book, I think I highlighted something on every page.  Since you read, I would also recommend two books, the first by Amber Ault is called "The Five Step Exit, the Skills you Need to Leave a Narcissist, Psychopath or Other Toxic Partner and Recover your Happiness."   It talks about how to develop a detailed exit strategy.   The second book is 'It's My Life Now, starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence' by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock.

I am glad you took the courageous first step and joined us.   I look forward to reading more of your story.   

'ducks