BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I have experienced and re-experienced so much trauma having been thrust into a situation of having to caretake my BPD plus (BPD never comes alone) mother. She is 83 now and has had a heart attack and a stroke 2 years ago.

I don't even know where the hell to start. There is obviously much more but for now:

She created a series of catastrophes which led to a housing and care crises just before she took ill. And although I had not much to do with her for a while because I could not deal with her or my mentally ill brother who conspired with her to divorce my father, grab some of his money and then kick him to the curb at age 76 after he took care of her for years, blowing through everything, which wasn't much, and then my dear above mentioned brother died leaving debts and a house going to foreclosure. One of my other brothers and his wife ditched my mother in an ER and then ran and me and one sister who lives 4 hours away and is the absolute love and support of my life in this, but... .she lives 4 hours away and she has no money and 6 months into this was injured in a very debilitating way in a care accident. I was left to either find a way to care for her or see her left homeless with dementia having just lost her house, her son, her dog etc. Since I couldn't live with myself and do that I have been in a state of financial stress, sometimes extreme crises and emotional pain for much of over 2 years trying to care for her. And while she in some ways has been better because I have over the course of this disallowed her to be mean to me, sometimes she still acts possessed and tries to use me as the whipping post and belittle and berate me for not being able to care for her at home while I live alone and have to work full time and she has falls and has dementia. No matter what I still really love my mom, but what would under the best of circumstances have been a very stressful 2 years is compounded by the stress and trauma her illness has and continues to cause me. While I do not share her illness I did develop a form of hypersensitivity and vigilance from my upbringing. I am a very loving and compassionate person, most of the time, and I can't compartmentalize or turn it off well. I am trying to pay for her care which is more money than I make, run her to the doctors, show up for all the emergency room visits and repeated infections etc etc etc and try my best to be consistent so she does not feel as abandoned, she often does anyway and truthfully she has been and even though she created it I still don't think she or I deserve the fact that I have 6 remaining brothers and sisters, all older in the area, 2 of who a financially MUCH better off than me who will not help to pay her bills or even see her. I don't care what she did, she is old and sick and needs help now. Sometimes I am so furious and hurt by her I feel ready to tell her to go f*ck off, but I can't it is not the right thing to do. No matter how she pushes my buttons and she caused a lot of core level damage to her children and former, now deceased, husband. I do believe she did the best she could with what she was dealing with. I feel I could manage all of this somehow if it weren't for the continued attempts at abuse and the deep trauma and wounding I still feel from it, no matter how much therapy or work i have done on myself throughout out the years, a lot, I am 47.

It takes up so much of my life and energy that I don't have it to advance at my job or be capable really right now at all. I have been so angry and hurt by the last outlash 3 days ago I haven't been able to function. An then, as I have been well trained, I feel guilty complaining about her because she changed my nappies and sometimes was very kind to me and I am always supposed to be willing to get her whatever she wants, even when it is impossible and I do not deserve to breathe and my dead father is looking down on me ashamed if I can't. Ahhhhhhhh!

I just don't have a lot or even any support from people who understand this bag of ( I am told I can not use the word I want here) we have been given. I simply needed to vent. Thank you.

I too feel the need to vent daily. I am 60 and resentful that I am still dealing with this and just want to live my life in peace. Not only am I dealing with an uBPDm, now I have a sibling that rarely speaks to me and another that is a bit of an enabler. I find that the venting is helpful, but the stories and insights of others on the site is what is most helpful to me. I am learning so much from the wisdom of others. I am realizing that for most, this seems to be a lifelong process, and that helps me feel better about myself. Wishing you peace.