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I just reached the 2 month mark of ending my 8 year long BPD relationship. I have moments, like now, where I literally don't know what to do with myself. I feel uneasy, restless, lost, sad, lonely. I go from room to room completing daily stuff. Wondering what the hell happened, but knowing exactly what happened. For the first time in my life I am alone. Reflecting, I went from teenage relationships living at home - to marriage, to another relationship. I thought, when I sent 'him' away for the final time 2 months ago, I would feel peace. Or strength, or relief. Most days I don't even want to get up. But I do it anyway. Where is peace? Why do I still care whether he is sorry, or if I mattered. It's like an endless puzzle that I can't sort out. And I have never been so heart broken in my entire life.
 
 

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are.  I'm just about at the one month mark after a year long relationship.  I'm struggling with the feelings of guilt and loneliness too.  At times I feel like I'm driving myself mad with trying to make sense of a nonsensical unhealthy relationship.  My parents have told me that eventually I'll get tired of tormenting myself.  It's a very confusing time right now.  What I do know is this: I have codependency issues from deep rooted trauma from my childhood and that is where I keep having circular thinking.  I've normalized pain and unhealthiness.  I've had to realize that no one and no thing has control over my feelings or my happiness other than me.  I need to be comfortable with me and know my worth before I try to commit to anyone.  My relationship with my ex brought a lot of old baggage to the surface and it's really uncomfortable.  There are moments that I feel great and then there are the moments I regress.  I've learned that intensity, consistency and duration are signs of success for men moving on.  As long as the period of time between all three get longer each time I'm succeeding.  Right now nothing matters more than you and your happiness. 

hi Mother Moth,

two months after an eight year relationship is a blink of an eye.

its good that you are functioning in spite of your struggles - it will go a long way. i suggest you build on it, bit by bit, with routine (im being deliberately vague here, i counted anything and everything as building on my routine). the more you are able to do this, the more it will return some sense of normalcy.

feeling alone and isolated is especially tough. do you have friends near by that you can spend time with? are you seeing a therapist?