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So I haven't heard from my friend in over 4 months now.  His profile disappeared off Facebook over two weeks ago along with the others he set up.  I had a dream about him recently and I woke up quite depressed over it so reached out and got no reply.  So tonight I'm sat here ruminating and googled his name and noticed his actor profile can no longer be found on the management site he was signed to.  I know he didn't long finish shooting for a film so really surprised he's no longer on there.  Of course he could be in the process of moving management companies.  I then in a panic rang his number and it's disconnected.  So Im now worried for him.  Of course this could be disconnected as he wants nothing to do with me and I will have no means of contacting him now.  But combined with the Facebook profile disappearing, which isn't unusual in itself, combined with his actor profile no longer on his management website and disconnection of his number has given me a huge uneasy feeling.

I'm so anxious.  I wish I didn't care so much and brush it off but I feel suddenly very scared for him.  He has had suicide ideation before so I hope he isn't in a dark place.  I can't help feel that we parted on such bad terms, even though he hammed it up pretending he was happy, that what I said to him in anger will have had a detrimental affect on his mental health. I believe he did care about me in his own way and he asked me not to get angry with him and I did and now I can't ever put it right as I don't know where he is or any means to contact him.

I'm so stressed out.  I know this is out of my control but have this fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Thanks for reading.

Hi insideoutside,

Sorry to hear that you're worrying about your friend.  I can understand how that feels.  It's concerning if he had SI in the past and I would feel much the same (have done).  Do you have any way of finding out from a mutual friend/family member/colleague whether he is OK?  An address?  Perhaps a call to the management company?

Regardless of what has happened between you and how he is feeling towards you, it would give you peace of mind to check and be assured he is alive and well.  After that you can decide how you proceed and whether you wish to attempt to resume the friendship.  Is that something you would hope for?

Love and light x   

Hi HQ

I don't feel like I could contact the management company as that would be an infringement on his privacy.  I'll just keep checking FB to see if his profile pops back up; he broke away from everybody he knew 20 odd years ago so I have nobody to ask and we live 100 miles apart. It's so difficult because I obviously hurt him with my words which I'm so sorry for and just wish I could put that right really but he's cut off all forms of contacting him.  

I do want to detach as this friendship has had a toll of me emotionally and there's been more downs than ups but I can't help feel sad for him and worry about him.  I'm sure he's fine; just wish I knew for certain and wish I could stop caring so much.

Hi insideoutside,

So sorry to hear about your friend and just want to tell you that you are a wonderful person to care for them like that! People with PD need strong friends to help them and support them. What can you do to reduce the anxiety? It seems like you can't do anything to resolve your friends situation until they reach out, so what kind of self-care can you give yourself. That is what is in your power here.

Regards, marti

Hey inside outside, I concur with Marti: change the focus to yourself.  Self-care is one way to reduce your anxiety, I suggest.  Trying to control something (your Ex) that is out of your control is bound to be nerve-wracking.  In the meantime, you might want to consult the Serenity Prayer.

LuckyJim

Thanks all for responding.

I've done some detective work and he has changed management company so at least I can rest easy knowing he hasn't fallen off the face of the earth.

I really want to get him out of my head now.  I go to the gym 4 times a week and work full time so have lots to keep my brain active but he still takes up a lot of rent space and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of wondering he if will ever reach back out, did he really care etc.  I want to get to the point where I don't care what he thinks or whether he will make contact ever again.  I know I'm a good person deep down and had he treated me better then I wouldn't had lost my temper like I did.  But it's happened and we are no longer friends or in communication so I need to let him go and just see him as as somebody that I used to know.

Hopefully somebody will be looking out for him; but it's time for me to let him go.