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Increasingly, getting my BPDh into social situations with friends and coworkers is a source of anxiety for me. My boss invited me and the other director-level folks in my office to a weekend float trip (we do that in certain parts of the U.S. - it involves camping and renting a vessel, such as a kayak, raft, or canoe, to float down a very tame section of river - and it also often involves drinking a good amount of beer). I really contemplated leaving H at home for this one, because I didn't know how he was going to be with drinking. Sometimes he's fine, but other times he guzzles it like a cartoon character (*glug glug glug*). I decided to give him the chance to come with me, and he agreed, even though he really hates camping.

Float Day 1: He was grumpy in the morning, after having slept uncomfortably. He was quiet and kept to himself, which was in itself rather awkward, especially when the rest of the crew was excitedly chattering and anticipating the float. Once he'd gotten into his kayak on the water, however, he was having a blast and his mood changed. We ended up having a good evening, and he hung out with my friends and had a good time.

Float Day 2: He was in a fairly okay mood in the morning, and was actually excited to go on the float. We had rented a big raft for my group of friends. He began drinking beer before the float, and started drinking quickly during the first leg. As he drank, he got louder and louder, and this mean-spirited character started to emerge. He started talking nonsense, and grabbed the water gun that was in the raft, and began spraying people with water, both in and out of the raft. He sprayed me at close range, and the spray was powerful enough to slightly split my lip. I told him to stop, everyone told him to stop, and he would not stop. I managed to distract him with a paddle, to get him to paddle instead of spray, telling him we needed his strength to help navigate the boat. Friends were playfully ribbing him and humoring him, as he was being obnoxious, and drinking everyone's beer, but we could not stop him.

Toward the end of the float, we had to get on a bus to go back to camp. He got angry with me because I waited for the whole group to get onto the bus, to make sure that everyone was with us. Then, he became enraged because he thought we were "disrespecting" him. I had a splitting headache from the heat and the sun, so I did not want to engage. I told him I had a headache and I would talk later. When we got off the bus, he disappeared. We returned to camp to find him furiously packing up my tent and all of my belongings, throwing things around angrily. I told him that, at least, if we were going to be leaving immediately, I needed to drive the car. He refused to let me drive, and, thankfully, one of my friends was able to frame it in such a way that validated him and he let me drive. I took him to the nearest restaurant in town, and we sat down and ate a good meal, and he said that he felt that we were disrespecting him because we were trying to tell him what to do on the raft. He was upset because he felt that everyone else could act rowdy, but he wasn't allowed. I asked him why he thought that was, and he said that it was because he didn't have a job and he wasn't rich. So, I asked him, ":)o you think everyone else out there is rich and has a job?" He said, "No." I said, "Why would they single you out?" He said, "I don't know," and then added, "Because they know. They can tell I don't." I said, "They can tell? How?" And he said, "I don't know. They just know." And I said, "Could there be a possibility that you feel bad about yourself, so that's how you're seeing this?" He said, "Maybe, I don't know. I know you don't believe me, but I know that's why people treat me that way." I said, "Hmm... .interesting." And kind of left it alone.

The following evening we revisited the conversation, after he'd sobered up and had some distance from it. He said to me that he thought he had a problem with alcohol, and that it was weird, because his whole argument had seemed SO rational to him in the moment. He felt SO sure that it was real. But, now, he realizes that it was ridiculous and was his own insecurities playing out.

Overall, I think that this was a good conversation. I am concerned about the drinking, and he says he is going to refrain. I will too, as I need to lose some weight anyway  :). Hopefully that will help him out. I think making him think about his rationale is helping him grow.
 

Hello,

I'm glad it ended in a good note. I don't know much about DBT, but I hear they teach them to face difficult situations as oportunities to practice life skills. You both did just that, and came out of it stronger.

Also, those trips sound like fun!

Take care!

You are a talented writer! I was really wrapped up in your real life story! I was so relieved this episode had a nice ending. :) Thank you for sharing these small successes. For those of us in these situations it means so much to hear a little good news!

Sounds like a big success in the end. Being out in the heat, away from comforts, around new people (that are more your friends than his), and drinking can build up a lot of stress for someone with BPD. For him to come out with insight and to be able to rationally talk about things is a pretty great ending. I thought your questions of him were really helpful.

Thanks all for the support! At first I was really depressed and embarrassed that he'd gotten so drunk and obnoxious in front of coworkers, but, thankfully, they are all really good people, and they have all been in the position of either being too drunk or having a spouse or a partner who was too drunk, so they were extremely understanding and forgiving. I'm kind of glad it happened toward the end of the trip, because at least they got to spend some time with him as he is normally before he went into drunk Mr. Hyde mode.

I'm trying to celebrate the small things, and I think that I have to pat myself on the back for pausing and trying SO hard not to JADE. I did start JADE-ing at points, but then I'd pause, and approach things a different way. It was SO difficult because I was so upset. But, ultimately, that's what he needs. He needs patience and he needs someone who won't apologize for him, but will cause him to think and take responsibility without blaming. I think I did good work here, and he did too.  |iiii