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So I was journaling today (30 days NC) and I began to write out this letter I'd want to send her. Disclaimer: I won't send it! There's no need to. I rarely journal thoughts about her anymore. But maybe 30 days has kicked stuff up in me combined with weekend stuff. Anyway, here's what I wrote. Sorry for the length.

I want to thank you for showing me that I am capable of real mature love. I want to thank you for showing me that no matter how much I hurt through my own faulty views I was able to forgive and do things to show you the relationship was meaningful to me.

I want to thank you for allowing me to be in a position that I had to look deeper into myself and my hurt child. It's too late (I could never be with you again) but I now finally realize that my anger at you was suppressed anger at my parents and the priest from grade school. For the first time in my life I finally know who I am and where my projected anger came from.

I also learned about my caretaker role from a faulty family dynamic which contributed to our demise.

I want to thank you for allowing me to prove to myself that I was able to communicate and compromise in a relationship while putting my ego and wants to the side at times (something I never did in previous relationships).

I also want to thank you for leaving me. By leaving me and then wanting me back when you needed help it put my love to a true test. To forgive and try again after being so hurt or let it die without a real effort on my part to make it work? I'm glad I tried. I proved something to myself by trying.

Thank you for being the present image of past resentments so that I had to learn to forgive myself after all the horrible things I said to you. Things that noone ever deserves to hear which came from my mouth after the 2 breakups.

Thank you for allowing me to do the necessary work to see that all that you did wasn't about me (just like it wasnt about you) and that it was really about childhood resentment as well. This helps me have more empathy when I feel wronged by someone.

Thank you for forcing me to accept and to let go of control in my life. If I had left you and not come back I wouldn't have learned a thing about myself because I would have been in control. I would've kept thinking all this was your fault. Well it was my fault too. I told you that many times before with self sabotage and reenacting childhood resentments.

But I had to finally accept that I don't think you are in a spot to provide mutual love to another human being. I don't fault you anymore for latching onto me after (her ex) as a way to forget the pain. I wasn't a victim. All I had to do was say no. I mean I'm a guy and you're gorgeous and you came onto me so I guess lizard brain made it a little harder to say no but it was still my choice. It's what you knew. And I fell in love with the real you. It's why I tried so hard. But I'm a human too who needs the same love, nice words, and random acts of kindness from my partner which you need from yours.

But I don't fault you for not providing that. You didn't do it deliberately. Just like I expected undying love if I gave it I believe you expected undying love without having to give. We both had faulty views that developed in childhood. If I forgive myself for thinking wrongly how could I not forgive you also?

Thank you for the experience so that i could write my 2nd novel. People have told me its some of the most impactful stuff they ever read. All that pain in there couldnt have come without this catalyst.

And it wouldn't have happened without me going through all this depression, pain, and heartache for close to 6 months. It forced me to feel my emotions and not numb them. These are gifts I am blessed to have. Gifts that have made me a better (insert my profession)

(Took out this section here as it talks about my profession and how I am better at it. Don't wanna break anonymity here) It only happened because I had decided to love you and risk my heart to be vulnerable with someone else.

So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

I forgot one other part of this journal entry which I find to be the most important to my recovery (albeit very regret heavy)

Thank you for allowing me to see that the support I wanted from you in December was really my attempt to fulfill the subconscious mothering love I always craved and it was unfair to put that onto you. You weren't my parent. You were supposed to be my partner. I didn't see that until too late and it caused irreparable damage to the relationship. Everytime I got upset was because of that. I felt a parental betrayal which had been suppressed for decades and I brought it back to life everytime I felt hurt. It was a catalyst for the slow death of our relationship despite my efforts to communicate this. I didn't communicate clear enough.

roberto, you will be able to look back upon these entries with pride in the future.  I am humbled by your self reflection.

Keep writing!  It is your gift to the world.

Love and light x

Thanks HQ for the reply. It means a lot

It's the only choice I have anymore. Numb it or dig deep and accept with my whole heart instead of accepting because of my current circumstance.

I just wanted to add an update. I went to therapy today and read the letter I wrote which I posted a few days ago. All about me taking responsibility and seeing all my faulty relationship views based on parenting, etc, etc. Then I started talking about the "what ifs" and had I learned this sooner would it have mattered.

Then I decided to read to my therapist a list of ways I had felt hurt in the relationship which I had posted here a couple weeks ago. After I finished reading she said, as plain as day, "She's clearly a 'me-me'. No matter what you did differently it wouldn't have changed the dynamic that she was self-centered because she has gotten everything she has ever wanted from her parents and when a partner stops doing that she moves onto the next one."

Kinda reassuring to know that these aren't just my own possible warped perspectives. My therapist sees it also in her. Certainly seems like a common trait in our exe's no doubt.