BPDFamily.com

I've been married to my second husband, who is 12 years my senior, for almost 9 years. We dated for almost 3 years. We both have children from a previous marriage, but none together. I have a son, 26 and a daughter, 21. He has 3 daughters, 21, 19 & 16.

Our relationship has been complicated and stressful from the start. He has an ex that remarried a month after his divorce was final and subsequently moved his girls to another town 300+ miles away.

We have previously sought counseling, which was sadly ineffective for our relationship. I have independently sought therapy and sought out help online and through friendships. I am currently seeking therapy again. Through this, I have determined that my husband has some form BPD and or NPD. To complicate things, his 3 daughters have told him lies about me... .completely fabricated stories to make me look bad. I've been able to prove them wrong at times, but his first instinct is to attack me. Yet, his first instinct when confronted about his behavior is to lie. Even when he is caught red-handed so to speak, he lies. If I say "You're lying", he says it isn't a lie.  I don't think he'll agree to seek counseling again and even if he did, I don't think he would open himself up to admit that he has a problem. Our pre-martial counselor told me that he thought I had figured my husband out fairly accurately (they knew each other before we met). He has abandonment issues and I believe that he is extremely insecure, despite being a successful businessman and community leader.

I'm at a complete loss as to how to deal with someone who lies for no reason or for selfish reasons, who attacks me and makes me feel like I'm not a good person when I've done so much for his daughters and him over the years, and who refuses to/can't see his part in our relationship troubles. This is not a complete picture of all the turmoil over 12 years, but I hope it clearly explains the situation.

Hello At My Wits End!

Welcome!  I am both sorry you had to come here but glad that you've found us.  Please become a regular and also dig in and do some learning.  I found out about BPD several years ago, and did a little reading, but it wasn't until the last year or two that I've really dug in, and it's been worth it.  One of the key benefits has been developing a better sense of reality to know when my wife's behavior or insults are ridiculous.  Self-validation is another area you might do some work on, as being subjected to what we're facing is a heavy load on how we feel about ourselves.  The resources to the right are good.  Also consider reading "Walking on Eggshells," "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder."

The added dynamic of your husband's daughters sounds extra complicated, and outside my experience.  I am so sorry you have that additional burden.  The books talk about something called ":)istortion Campaigns," which sounds like what you're dealing with.  "Eggshells" has a section on it.

I have also experienced the lying and manipulation, and it is so disturbing.  I have not found any satisfactory solutions on that front.  My wife justifies everything she does.

The most important advice I think I can give is to get grounded to reality so you aren't sucked into the reality warp that is inaccurate and destructive to you.  Develop a firm idea of who you are, and take care of yourself.  Don't let your self worth depend on what H says.  I know this is easier said than done, but it must be done, and if you are even a little bit successful at it, keep going, and it will help you.

Thank you "Wentworth". I have already downloaded "Walking On Eggshells". I've been reading everything I can find here and other places online as well.

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that the person my husband accused me of being was not my true self. Thankfully, I am independent and have a good sense of self-worth. I've actually told him that I know I am not a bad person and that his accusations are false. I have a good network of friends and family, a job and a life apart from him (to a small extent) that keeps me grounded.

More than anything, I want help for him... .for HIM. He's a great person in many respects, but seems incapable of recognizing his own faults.

Hi At My Wits End,

I am so glad you have good resources and support.  Yes, I totally understand what you say about your husband being a great person in many ways.  My wife is totally amazing as a person and a parent in so many ways.  I'm not just saying that -- I think if we divorce it would be super difficult to find anyone who has her strength of character and good qualities.  But the dark side is so destructive and irrational, and it still baffles me how such a contrast can exist in one person.  I hope you are successful in your desire to help your husband.  I have not been so successful.  I have found ways that changing my behavior and using the tools I learned through research can make things better and sometimes keep things from blowing up, but she absolutely won't take responsibility for her 50% of the relationship, and won't go to counseling or even read a book like "The High Conflict Couple."  How are things with your husband?  Is he able at all to take some responsibility for improving things?