BPDFamily.com

I haven't seen my family in many years. Last week I had an opportunity to do that. So I took a half day off work and visited them. Most therapeutic and awesome time I can remember in all my life. So last night I mention we should maybe make attempts to see family more and to make more friends.
That touched a nerve I guess (I never mentioned my family just family.) She said hell no we are not seeing your parents. I let it go. Then this morning on my way to work she send this text :
She has always feared that I would visit my parents and then never come back home or they would convince me to never go back to her. Now just asking 1 question I apparently have stirred all this back up in her mind.

Now that I think of it I might just want to do exactly that. Hide out with my family. They are after all some much more caring than she is not to mention they actually like me enough to live my life the way I want no the way they want or cater to there every need.

She is she predicting her own worst fear to come true? Because she is pushing me to that end.

To be clear we have gone some of my wife's co-workers house in the past. Only 1 or 2 times at the most. I never thought much of it but today she tells me it is because of me. Right after she brings me around they stop wanting to hang out. I doubt that is the reason but having your wife tell you that really isn't something that makes you feel good.

Hey Cipher13, Kudos to you for taking time off from work to visit your family.  I recommend that you continue to reach out to family and friends.  A BPD r/s can be extremely isolating and one can lose all perspective without family and friends to keep things on track.  My BPDxW used to make it so difficult for me to socialize with family and friends that for a while I gave up, because it was so much of an effort.  Then I realized that I was losing myself without them, and determined that I would see them no matter what, and damn the torpedoes!  It made a huge difference for me to get back in contact with those who care about me.  I suggest you do more of it!

Of course you are not the reason you don't hang out with your W's colleagues. The real reason, I suspect, is that she has had conflicts with them, which she is now projecting onto you.  Don't buy into that type of blame-shifting, because it's untrue.  Nevertheless, her allegation still hurts, I understand.

LuckyJim

I have wondered why you didn't seem help and support from your family. I encourage you to do so. This might be exactly what you need to "break the spell."

Cipher - glad to hear you finally went and saw your family.  Keep doing it. 

About her dream - I hope you realize that she's not trying to be some hurt soul that you have to be a martyr for, she's just trying to FOG you more.  Same thing regarding seeing her coworkers. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the natural and healthy thing to do in response to abuse is to leave.  2nd chances aren't owed to the abuser either.  Loving someone doesn't mean you have to let them hurt you.  In fact, if you have to let them to hurt you to stay with them, that's not love at all. 

I agree Waddams.
After being around people that care with on open and honest heart it only makes me see the abuse that much more. I was getting more and m numb to some of it. Since getting a taste of the good life I want more.  :)

Hi Cipher,

No one really knows what goes on in anyone's brain.    Science isn't smart enough yet to figure how we are wired as human beings.    There is one school of thought however that suggests that people with this  disorder are pre-programmed to re-experience the original trauma over and over again.    And that yes, paradoxically they often unconsciously arrange the same outcome.   To be fair, you don't have to have BPD to do that... .lots of us repeat the same patterns over and over without seeing our contributions to them.

So her dream,... .it's an abandonment dream, with the added twist of you finding some one 'better'... .and the kicker on the end... .someone else is responsible for my feelings and the way for me to manage my feelings is to get them to change.

What I found to be true for me is that understanding my partner's disorder made me more responsible for MY feelings and actions.   Which was a good thing.   If I want social time with people I enjoy it's up to me to take care of that.   

'ducks

I know when I'm letting my fears control me, I tend to do the wrong things... .and often the result is those fears coming true.

I'm not *TRYING* to make them come true, I just do it anyways.

This was especially true when I was afraid my wife would verbally/emotionally abuse me, so I walked on eggshells... .and guess what happened?

I think this is pretty universal. pwBPD do it too.

Your wife gets completely consumed by her fears... .then does something irrational... .which actually makes it more likely to happen.

Anyhow... .clearly you do need some space away from her. As your family is supportive, spending time with them sounds like a great idea! Making friends and spending time with them sounds like a great idea too!

How about doing that as an "I" rather than a "we". As in something like "Wife, I'm going to see (family) next weekend. Do you want to come with me?" The choice is hers whether she wants to come or not, and let it be her choice, but don't let her choice not to go stop you from going. If she tries to stop you by having conflicting plans, I'd suggest some tolerance to reschedule it. SOME. If roadblocks keep going up, one after the other, time to do it anyhow.

Same thing with friends or other activities. Just start doing them. Don't exclude her, and don't require her to be there. Let her choose if she wants to join you.

Of all things it's the thanks for that comment that hit home to me the most. If I had a nickel as the saying goes. In relation to her dreams along with so many other things I had nothing to do with. It's that attitude that is a main factor in my being strong and not replying and maintaining NC. I'm willing to bet you have heard that more than once as well. Perhaps in situations where she had hurt you and had thanked you for making her feel bad for not being ok with it ?  Just throwing that out there. You deserve better than that. We all do.