BPDFamily.com

This is my first post. I am just learning that my mother has BPD. The last three years have been incredibly difficult. It became so damaging from so many angles that I separated. Seeing a counselor for my well being. I have no idea what to do or how to move forward.

You can start safely my introducing some details... .how old is your mom,  and what specifically are you struggling with? What happened that caused you to seperate?

T

Hi execdirec and welcome to bpdfamily

How did you first learn of BPD? Did your counselor perhaps mention it to you?

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very challenging indeed. I am sorry you were having such a hard time with it. What happened these last three years that you found so extremely difficult? In what ways was it damaging?


I think joining this site is a good next step and can help you determine how to move forward with your life and relationship with your mother. Many of our members have a BPD parent too and know very well from their own experiences how difficult this can be.

Take care

The Board Parrot

Thank you for responding.

It has always been a difficult relationship, as long as I can remember. It is important to share that my sister died in a car accident when we were teenagers. My father died three years ago. I can see now how much he buffered. The struggles have gotten progressively worse since his passing. I have now been married for 4 years to a wonderful, kind, patient man.

I had realized that my mother did not like any of her daughters or sons in law. The gossip and on again off again relationships with each of them has been never ending. It has now started regarding my husband. She suddenly started telling even total strangers how uncomfortable she is with him and that she thinks he controls me - and then she texts him non stop, even during his work hours.

She lied and has told many people that I kicked my son out of my house when he simply moved away to go to college. I (we) have a great relationship with my son. He is a great young man!

I also lost 90 pounds over the last two years. She simply cannot handle it. She stopped speaking to me (for 6 months) when she realized I was loosing weight. She asked me to stop, when I explained my health challenges that would improve with weight loss she told me I was stupid. I am a nurse. She started speaking to me again only because of someone elses life circumstances. Since loosing the weight and regaining control of my health   :) she now tells some people that I had gastric bypass (I did not) by one MD, then will tell someone else I had surgery by another MD. She has told many that I am anorexic and told others that I have cancer! When with her in front of others she will hold up a serving platter and proclaim that I need to eat off the platter! She recently told me that if I did not attend her social event, we are the clothing she wanted me to and explain my weight loss to the people she has already lied to, that she would disown me and write me out of the will.

The highly emotional phone calls have consumed my life since dad died. The calls are not related to dad at all. Her country club doesn't have a golf pro. She can't house break her new puppy. She is afraid to drive her new car. She will call sobbing and then the next day act as if everything is normal. If she acknowledges how she acted she will just say I was having a bad night.

I cannot even begin to describe all of the lies we have discovered her in. It is staggering, just staggering.

Most recently, she has explained to her country club that I am her abuser. Although she professes that I am abusing her, she calls and begs me non stop to speak with her for hours at a time. During my work hours as well. If either of us explains that we are at work and available after 5, she yells that she is cutting me out of the will because I am not available to her. I am now terrified to speak with or be around her because of her allegations of abuse. I would never harm her. I could loose my nursing license over such allegations.

I have no idea how to talk to her.

I am seeing a counselor which is easing the anger. I am starting to understand how tortured her mind and emotions much be. She does live in self imposed extremes. I am working to take care of me right now. I am confused. Hurt. Angry. Realizing this has gone on my entire life and dad was working triple time to cover it. As I look back and realize all of the lies and manipulations, I just need quiet time to be gentle with myself and regroup. Some nights I cannot quiet my head with all of realizations coming to light.

There were difficulties with my brother, his wife and my parents about 20 years ago. My brother worked for my parents in their privately owned business. Dad brought a counselor in at that time who said that mom had a "disorder". I was not told more than that. Dead just said if we were ok with him we were ok and that is how it had to be. Immediately, family counseling stopped. Later, maybe 8 years ago, same situation different daughter in law, psychiatrist was brought in who said she had BPD. Again, he was instantly ousted. My counselor is now teaching me about BPD. Mom definitely triangulates and struggles with paranoia and everything is all about her.

Exec Direc

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of that and it has become terribly difficult and invasive. I am sure if she files allegations against you there will be an investigation and they will find 0 evidence.

When my own mother gets scary and threatening and completely illogical like this, that is when I felt the most trapped. I don't really know how to deal with it, which is why I am here as well, but space has really helped. If possible, can you just stop talking to her for a while? Or just talk to her minimally, like an occasional text? Don't say that you need space, just say that you are really busy - and be genuine in your interaction with her, but do not let it take up your whole day. Be nice, but only for the 10 minutes that you want, or the hour.

I hope the anxiety ebbs and that you find the space and clarity that you deserve. I am also afraid of how much burden my father is taking on, being the spouse of my mother. She lashes out so much at her family, but then insists that we must be there all the time... .

Hi Execdirect,

My MIL has undiagnosed BPD.  My husband (DH) was diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago but has since 100% recovered.

Sometimes it has helped me over the years to hear stories that are similar to mine.  Yours is similar.  My husband has lived his entire life with his mother cutting him off often when he did or said things that she didn't approve of. 11 years ago when I met him, she wasn't speaking to him for 1 1/2 years - simply because he (at age 29) was doing volunteer work that she didn't agree with. 

We later found out that these abandonment games his mother played with him were part of her BPD and were closely linked with DH's own previous BPD diagnosis (along with the fact he has a NPD father - parents separated for over 20 years). 

One of the biggest revelations was when DH recognised that his parents never approved of any partners neither him nor his sister ever had.  They usually attacked us directly or they'd wait until our backs were turned.  It is now hindsight, but it should have been a huge warning for me when I found out that neither of his parents recognised their first grandchild (my DH's daughter) because they blamed DH's ex for purposely getting pregnant to him  .

I escaped attack from my BPD MIL for a number of years (that I know of). I think it was because I nursed my DH's pain from when his mother disowned him just before I met him and I knew he had self harmed before I met him as a result of her disowning him.  So by the time I finally met her (she called him up about a funeral and invited us to stay at her house), I was subconsciously 'walking on eggshells", fearing he may hurt himself if there was ever an upset.   

Luckily for us, we never lived near them so contact was restricted.  This is likely why it took a number of years for her attacks on me to escalate.   At first, I began humbly deflecting her attacks on me, even apologising to her for things I didn't do just to keep the peace.  Little did I know at the time that I was actually enabling her attacks to not only persist but to get worse.

After being with my DH for almost 4 years, I finally stuck up for myself and that's when the attacks escalated even more.  She would demand that my DH should leave me, even though he was the best he'd ever been in his life and finally, he had kicked a hard drug habit he had for 11 years before he met me (he started taking hard drugs as a result of her blaming him for taking them [even though he wasn't] and kicked him out of home as a result.   He always told his therapists that seeing as he was being blamed for it, he might as well try them).

For years now, my MIL has been lying to everyone around her about me. 

Even though this is a pattern she has had her entire life, at times disowning her daughter, sisters, parents (when they were alive), people just believe her and not once has anyone ever approached us to hear our side of the story.

For years she blamed me for my DH's BPD diagnosis (even though it is a childhood disorder and I met him 20 years after he began self harming). 

Our only sanctuary from her dysfunction was thanks to DH's therapists advice - which was to live too far away for her to just 'pop in' for a visit and to ensure when she visited it was for only a couple of nights and that our home was a 'dry space' (drinking alcohol for her escalated her BPD symptoms).  We did not visit her because we had no control over her alcohol intake in her home.  Even so, when my husband was sick with BPD, even her phone calls affected him, one day he tried to take his life as a result of them, leaving me always on high alert and reaching for the valium to give him when he was on the phone to her.

However, after my DH's sister passed, we ended up in her home for a while (long story but luckily my DH had recovered from BPD by then).  I had offered to do some heavy labour for her and her husband and as a result, I was kicked out of their home - It doesn't have to make any sense does it!  In one of our last conversations with her, we tried to tell her she has BPD - it didn't go down too well.  Yes.  We have no doubt my DH has been kicked out of her will - but in our case, no amount of money can justify more of this emotional abuse.

But yes.  Cutting off her adult children was common.  My DH then noticed that this happened during his childhood in the form of the games of 'not talking to her children'.

Yes.  Attacking her children's partners - extremely common.

And making up lies to other members of the family to ensure that they 'took her side' so common and the primary reason why my DH had distanced himself with his sister, causing him to loose valuable time during the last years of her life.

My MIL's emotional sobbing, 'poor me' stories are so common that I believe this is her tactic to ensure no-one else seeks the truth.  We were often caught up in it ourselves when she hated her sisters for things we now understand was likely not true.

One of the hardest struggles for my husband to now overcome is recognising that anything his mother ever said to him in his entire life, may have been fabricated or completely false.

All I can say is you and your husband are not alone.  It is not only difficult for you but for your husband as well to be the brunt of her attacks.  Good luck with it all.  Your in the right place to express your frustrations and learn more about how to approach BPD sufferers.  You should not be subjected to having to spend hours on the phone to your mother and there are skills here to help you to reduce the impact she is having on your daily life.

I can understand how you feel your job is threatened.  Can you talk to your therapist about it?  Your T may be able to reassure you that seeing you are both discussing your mother's BPD in therapy and you have your husband for a witness, any legal ramifications, you should be able to defend, potentially putting your mind at ease there. 

Thank you everyone that has responded. I am humbled and grateful that you are willing to help me by sharing your experiences. Every time I read them I realize that I am not alone. That is stunning. I always thought it was me. I am not alone!

Regarding the allegations of abuse... .I went straight to the Board of Nursing and to Adult Protective Services. BON was supportive and thorough. I was drug and alcohol tested (standard for my industry) and everything was documented. Then, with APS they called the two people that alerted me and took "depositions". Both told them they thought my mother was attention seeking and typically a negative gossip. Both organizations documented that I had been in counseling prior to the allegations.

Like one of my responders, I am truly struggling with the lies that have been told to me and about me. Right now distance to come to terms with this reality is best for my self care. I am not saying that can never change, but it is today. I think it is the beginning of establishing boundaries.

I have started to self reflect and realizing areas in which I am pretty stinking healthy! For instance... .it is time for hubby's golf day with the guys. I instantly was very pleased for him and always want to have his dinner waiting! I always cannot wait to hear about his day. For me, it is a fresh perspective and new stuff coming into our relationship. I have always loved when he gets this day out. I had never thought about until reading "eggshells". Now I see that it is healthy behavior my mother is not capable of but for me is natural perspective. I have some areas where I am proud of me!

A responder talked about being cut off or being threatened to be cut off through the course of their life. Me too. I have never wanted to cut off my son or husband. I delight in their individuality. I have stopped now to consider what the threats of or actual separations meant to me. The confusion and heart break. I can't change what she has done but I can control that I never use that with my loved ones. Still, it is work to come to these conclusions and insights.

Like a responder, my counselor (and some before her) have recommended that I always live away from my mother where every day contact or sightings are not possible. I now understand and wills tick to that. Funny, she had been pushing my husband and I to move to her town. We were "obligated" since my father died and she was there alone. Now, she is pushing my brother who is feeling guilty and making arrangements to move back! Oye! That is going to be rough. While I was in a honeymoon phase then cut off, he is now in the honeymoon phase... .he is the golden boy. I wonder how long until that cycle completes. My therapist has asked me to have a plan for when she calls me wanting me back because she is down and out with him. My therapist is also working with me on boundaries and techniques. I am just so emotionally exhausted to attempt to use them with my mom at this time. We will see.

My mother had been offered medication on several occasions that I know of following my father's passing. The bottles are in the back of her bathroom closet. She would take one pill, say she did not like the way it felt and not take more.

She triangulates something fierce. She always has someone aligned on her side and against me or whomever. I had started to wonder about that and called her attention to it. This was before counseling and learning how it all fits together. I am sitting heavy with how much of the triangulation has been true or lies. I will never know. I wonder how many relationships she has separated with this strategy and dishonesty.

I am proud of those who are sharing their experiences. You have really empowered me. When I first posted it was out of fear, confusion and anger. Now it is with the understanding it is for all of our healing and improvement. If you can overcome, so can I!

Thank you,

Exec Direct

There is probably validity to this. My mother got more dysregulated when she started Prozac. I was 17 when she came into my room,  handed me the bottle and told me to hide (or get rid of?) them for the same reason.  However,  she,  like my mom,  is an adult and it is her choice not to take meds. 

Funny that after almost three decades,  it just occurred to me that my mother was placing responsibility upon me that was not mine to bear. I'd say "as a child" but I didn't think of myself as a child by that point.