BPDFamily.com

Hi.  I've read these boards a lot the past few years but never joined. I realize now it's time that I did.

I am divorced and recently remarried to a loving, firm, and incredibly supportive woman. My ex-wife, I've since found out, has many traits of both BPD and NPD. I was the doormat chasing her for her affection. We had two beautiful daughters, who are now 16 and 13. They were 6 and 3 when I moved out and I felt terrible - not because of the divorce - but because I loved my kids so much and wanted to be there for them.

My oldest was always a 'tough kid' - fussy, angry, hated to lose or not get her way. My youngest was happy-go-lucky and put her heart into everything. I definitely parented ... .they got in trouble (esp my oldest), we talked openly about life things, they had chores, etc. But, I did not put my foot down enough when my oldest would mistreat me or her sister verbally. I almost never challenged my ex-wife on money issues, parenting time conflicts, even her ridiculous demand one year that I not show up on the first day of school, because it wasn't "my day" to be with the kids. She really wanted to enjoy the fantasy of having a new, perfect family. (She began dating her boss shortly after I moved out - he moved in a few months later and they've been married ever since.)

Somehow, knowing my ex-wife's behaviors, I believed if I pushed too much or acted too strict, eventually my kids would not be in my life. And that fear drove me to overlook many things in my relationship with my children ... and my ex, who continued to hold power over me.

A few years ago, I met my wife - after years of dating I had finally found someone who I could see myself growing old with together. The 'problem' is, she has self-respect. And while I had allowed myself to be the doormat, she wasn't going to go there! I began seeing a therapist, to help me start to deal with the situation I had been avoiding ... .that my oldest didn't respect me, and was clearly acting defiantly. She had just turned 13 and I finally had someone in my life. It became very clear that my oldest daughter was BPD as well.

I've been guilty almost since the first day my wife met my kids. I was at a meeting in NY and got a call one night from my oldest, who told me she realized the reason she's been so unhappy is because I was her 'main obstacle.' (Some of my crimes included: taking away her phone when she acted like a brat, not buying her things when she didn't behave, and discussing family issues with my soon-to-be-wife.) She told me that she no longer wanted me to be in her life, and that she was 'so done.' This was all still new to me, and I had little idea about what BPD was. I had to leave the meeting because I started crying and couldn't hold it in. It always felt like, to me, somehow it must have been 'my fault' that I didn't love her enough, or I wasn't always there for her, or I picked a wife who wasn't as understanding of her 'quirks.' Fortunately, my wife joined me in therapy and we both grew stronger as we understood what we were facing.

Earlier this year, my wife and I had had it after some outbursts by my oldest. We said we wouldn't be going out to any restaurants (something we did at least once every weekend my kids stay with me) or excursions anymore until behavior improved and we were treated with respect. I also took away money that I had promised for my daughter's school trip. That was twisted into things like, "My step-mom said I wasn't allowed to eat anymore" and "My dad is emotionally abusing me by withholding money - it's just disgusting." When my daughter called me the next night to tell me she didn't want to stay over anymore, I finally had the guts (thank you therapy!) to tell her, "That's your decision."

I thought I was actually making progress when, a few months ago, she decided she wanted to come back. Although my youngest daughter's behavior was becoming more sassy and conceited in her sister's absence, we were doing fun things and spending time together and with my wife. My oldest had lost control. I wrote a long note to my ex, saying many things I had always wanted to say, and that things won't change until my oldest gets into DBT therapy. She's been going for a few months, and we even had a family session, with another planned.

Then came this past weekend. My youngest daughter - who, as a child, was everything her sister wasn't - and who I thought I had a strong relationship with - blew me off when I was trying to welcome her back from her month-long summer camp (which I partially pay for, fyi). She not so subtly suggested that she was too busy and had some important things going on this weekend, when she was supposed to sleep over. After I hung up, I knew something was wrong and I called her back. I was pissed off. I told her I didn't deserve to be blown off and that if she really didn't want to come over, that was her decision - just like I had told her sister earlier this year.

It felt good - not 'good' good, but like the right thing to do. Then I got a very long text from her, explaining all her 'feelings' that had been building up. It was essentially a list of criticisms of my wife, including all the things she was supposed to be doing as a step-parent, but wasn't. The message was crazily formal and parental. It felt like a business letter from an upset client who was thinking of suing. Some of the items on her list were very clearly complaints from my oldest daughter, who has been poisoning my youngest all along (even though sometimes they hate each other). Included on the list - my youngest "doesn't like how my wife is influencing my behavior." I did text back to remind her that some of these things are none of her business. My wife and I are going to our therapist tonight and I'm speaking with my youngest tomorrow in person, to talk about these things.

The hardest part for me isn't dealing with my kids' behavior, or even the stress it's created on my wife and marriage. It's this nagging feeling of despair that, somehow I could have avoided this by doing a better job as a parent ... .and the pangs of guilt that do pop up, which say something like,

"Your kids are right! They could have been happy, but you've switched your allegiance to your (second) wife and that's the real reason this is all happening."

I know that guilty voice is wrong. The irony is I've always been a peacemaker, a person who avoids conflict, yet I picked a (first) wife who ensured that the rest of my life would be filled with emotional conflict. Yes, I'm playing the victim here - I accept full responsibility for that!

It just feels good to be able to vent, and share this whole story with people I know will understand. Sometimes I just want this all to go away, like when you go on vacation and forget about life back home. I chose to have children though, I've always loved them, and I will continue to parent them as long as I'm able.

Thank you.
SD
 

 

Hello shoredad and welcome to bpdfamily 

Apologies for the lateness of this welcome.  I'm glad you've finally joined us.  |iiii Thanks for sharing your story with us, we understand what you are dealing with, you are not alone.   

It's a journey isn’t it, BPD is very broad and our situations are unique, you have and are doing the work you need to effect positive change for you personally –  investing in you and leading the way for your girls, that is the most loving and caring thing we can do for our children. We can’t change the past, we learn and grow forwards, and change the future like you are.

How did the talk go with your youngest?

Welcome to the conversation.

WDx 

Hi,

I feel your pain. My daughter is 20, suicidal and blames it all on my husband.  Who virtually tried to do his best to help me to get her through some very difficult times. Not knowing at the time she had BPD. So in retrospect, we would have done some things different I think. But I thought I was going to lose her to suicide last night. So today, she's home from the hospital so we will see what kinds of things she comes up with today.

Very stressful trying to do the right thing as a parent is so difficult.
My thoughts are with you and your wife.
GD