BPDFamily.com

I had a relationship for almost 2 years with my gf who has BPD, so u know, i was emotionally abused the whole time which hurt my friendships and school.
I tried many times to end the relationship but as u know it's very hard to do so when the partner has BPD, so everytime she would talk to me and manipulate me into going back with my decision. This time i really want to end it for good because im 23 and i dont want to waste more years of my life being abused every single day.

Yesterday i told my girlfriend i wanted to end the relationship so she started crying saying she was going go kill herself (always says that) etc so i hang up the phone. Since we are in different countries at the momment it's easy for me to avoid her but she keeps sending me messages everywhere trough everyone we know in common and i really dont want to talk to her since i know she will somehow manipulate me again (it's dumb i know).

I'm ashamed to talk about this with my friends but i'm really desperate because i really want to end it but at the same time i feel she won't let it go. she will keep sending me messages and wheni return home from vacation she will start going to my place for sure (i live alone) making my life a living hell.
Please i need some advice, i can't even sleep.
P.S: english is not my main language so i apologize for any mistakes but i hope i made myself clear.

Hey... .I'm glad you found us.  We can help you sort things out.

If you want to end things with your GF, why not just do that.  Do you have things that you own together that would be tough to sort out? 

I would challenge you to think if she is manipulating you to come back... .or if you are deciding? 

There is likely some stuff here I don't understand, so I'll let you answer, and come back and check soon.

Again... .we can help you sort this out.

FF

We don't own anything together. the problem here is that she always manipulates me into going back whenver i try to break up with her.

Usually it goes like this: she goes to my place like 4:00AM knowing i'm not stupid enough to let a person outside like that. then she'll start saying she will change (BUT NEVER DOES WHAT SO EVER), she will cry and say things to make me feel bad and eventually i end up falling in her traps.

believe me when i tell you i really want out, im super desperate because i dont want to fail this time.

OK... .so the complication is really an interpersonal one.  No jointly owned things.


The answer to this is in the mirror. 

After the next breakup...


What happens if you decide to let her in? 

What happens if you decide to not let her in?


I wonder if turning off your phone would be a good idea?  Give it a couple days or perhaps block her number.

FF

Yes i blocked her facebook and everyone's facebook she might use to reach me, and ill also be using another phone number. i just hope she lets me go after a couple weeks not talking to her.

i really want to make it this time.

Why not be the one to let her go?

Big picture:  It's your life.  Don't hand the "keys" (car driving analogy) to your life to a disordered person.

It's your life... .you drive. 

If you have determined you want to leave a relationship... .leave it.  She doesn't get a vote.

She will likely be unhappy.  Nothing... .nothing... .you can do about that.

Let her be what she will be.  You be what you want to be.

Let's say you meet her face to face... .she starts begging you.  Somehow you need to find the strength to say that you have made your decision and walk away.   No debating.

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

If one walks away... .the other person doesn't get a vote.  Those are just the facts.


FF

Re - dealing with suicide threats - if someone is making suicide threats or expressing other suicidal ideation, they belong in an emergency psyche ward, not a relationship.  Her making this threat is more justification to end things with her and move on, not reason to change your mind and stay.

You’d like to have boundaries and a healthier relationship, but here’s the rub. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who is personality disordered. That’s like trying to get sober while chugging Jack Daniels.

The issue here is codependence on your part.  It's your own issue.  You need to stop taking responsibility for her poor choices, and let her experience the consequences, no matter what it is.  If she shows up at 4am, then leave her outside.  If she makes choices and puts herself in a compromised position, let her.  She's trying to get you to "save her".  :)on't save her.  You're not responsible for her, and you're not responsible for protecting her from herself.  "Saving her" every time is called enabling, and you're only making things worse when you do it.

As for her messages to others, etc, let her do that too.  The people that fall for her manipulations, that's your filter for who else you need to remove from your life.  The people that don't, they're the ones that are worth keeping in your life.

Being with the wrong person will prevent you from getting with the right person.  Since you are already saying you want to break up, then hold your boundaries and let her go.  You aren't responsible for her feelings.  It's okay to leave someone that is abusing you.  It's healthy and natural, and you don't owe her any more chances.  

If she threatens suicide, hang up the phone and report it to authorities for her area.  Leave it to the professionals to sort out and go to her.

thanks alot for every input so far guys. it really helps to have a place where i can talk about this, makes it easier. i feel like this time i will make it and ill get control of my life back and this feels rlly good.