BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I am celebrating the 3 year mark with my BPD GF and thought I would pass along some notes on what has worked and what has not worked from the standpoint of a partner who is trying to keep the relationship alive. I am at work so I will keep this somewhat short.

First, I could write a book about the exceptionally difficult fights, mood swings,  (last one being a running argument screaming at each other in a laundry mat until after 1:30 am then continuing the rest of the night at home only just a few days ago). First, a bit of background on me. I am 49 and came out of a divorce and have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about being yelled at and told what to do. I very much demand polite considerate speech and a loving accepting attitude. This is like oil and water with my BPD GF when she is in an emotional whirlpool.

I have learned the following:

First, we each have a monster that arises when we are scared (all of us, BPD's simply feel emotions more deeply, both positive and negative), inside this monster you have to invision a scared little girl or boy who simply wants to be accepted, understood and loved. If you keep this picture in your mind and simply work with your BPD like they are a little hurt struggling child when they are emotional it will help you not get triggered yourself.

Second, don't argue, be defensive or try and reason with them when they are in the emotional whirlpool. It will only suck you in and you will be off to the races with a tit for tat fight. My advise is close your mouth and listen intently to what they are saying, they just want to be heard and validated. Picture yourself as the sitting Buddha, (wise, confident, respecting and loving while firm). Don't get off track with them, try and get them to work on one topic at a time. Tell them you understand, and agree with the parts you can actually agree with. Tell them how you will work to be more considerate or what ever they are asking for.  The bottom line is they desperately need you to be solid when they are in the whirlpool. They need to be able to trust that you will still love them, won't abandon them and want to fully understand what they are suffering with.

Third, one thing that is working for us is to call a "fire drill", when we are feeling tension with each other. This is a mandatory 15 minute isolated break from each other.  We set the kitchen timer and each marches off to a prescribed place. We rotate between the bathroom and kitchen. Then we each take with us a journal and pen and try and write down our feelings and ways we can "get back to we" and find love.  When the timer goes off we sit peacefully across from each other on the floor and try and find the "we" and peace. If we get out of control again we take another time out. If after the second timeout we can't find peace we have agreed upon negotiating together a longer timeout apart. The key is we have to agree together and set an exact time to get back together so the abandonment issued does not get triggered.  With enough time apart we will cycle through our emotions and often find peace. (trust me all this is not easy and we have blown it many a time, but it gives us a structure we can depend on to reduce the dangerous escalations. Another tool is what we call "a sick day", this simply means for 24 hours there is no talking about the issue and we treat the party who called the "sick day" as actually really suffering from the cold, etc. This really works if they are freaking out late at night. You can also give them a "peace note", say your are upset and want to schedule a time to talk when you can share your hurt feelings with them.

Fourth, your BPD is going to get activated by jealousy, and everything else under the sun. If something they do or say hurts you, simply say "ouch", or "that hurt me". This gives them a chance to correct themselves. The key is never say anything else, simply "ouch", I will sometimes simply stand there and say "ouch" firmly and lovingly. This can go on for a bit but don't let it become a game. The key is they need to tack responsibility for their emotions and how they affect you. If you are hurt, immediately say something or it will turn to bitterness and anger. Most importantly you immediately say "ouch", is in a relationship with a BPD you have to more than anything else RESPECT YOUR SELF! No one has the right to hurt you or make you feel bad. If this does not work, " What you did XYZ, hurt me, and I expect and apology", immediately accept their apology and do not in any way tell them why what they did was wrong. At all times, limit your words or you will re-activate them. You are trying to show them a safe accepting path and reward them when they do the right thing. You can also say XYZ hurt me and because you are not giving me and I am going to take a break somewhere else to cool down. You do this because you need your patience and peace of mind in these situations, you have to stay cool. Take the break to breath and reaffirm your right not to be hurt. It also gives your BPD time to also calm down and do the right thing.

Firth, living with a BPD is very very hard work. You have to take care of yourself and build space into your day week and month. Get sleep, eat right, exercise and try and do things away from them to rest from always having to be on the alert for the next blow up. If you don't do this you will go insane and this is not fair to you and will not help them.

Sixth, loving a BPD is a intricate dance. Be very attune to the triggers that affect them, while being mindful of the walking on eggshells feeling (when you are feeling this way, name the feeling in your head and picture the little girl inside the monster, picture yourself as the Buddha (calm and steady), you don't have to live in fear and it's ok to be vigilant of the things your BPD needs to be happy. Give them lots and I mean lots of notice and document it anytime you need to change something or do something that will be tuff for them.  When they are in the whirlpool is very taxing and tuff not to get swept in also. Be calm, slow down your emotions, words and anything you want to convey to them, they will really only hear a bit of what your say anyway so it's no use. Just be a calm steady loving rock they can hold onto during this storm in their mind. You can't change them in any way, you are not their therapist! But they can learn from your example!

Lastly, whether you end the relationship for your own sanity (don't sugar coat how hard it is, or delude yourself in being the white knight, or get off on being a helper) or choose this is truly the one you want to live the rest of your life with, remember they have to help themselves with counseling, daily meditation or what ever they want to do, they have to do the work to get better. All you can do is stand by their side. If they are not willing to do the work, you can not wait forever for them and you need to let them know this. You have to have this discussion, tell them you desperately love them and believe in them, but you are struggling with XYZ and tell them what your limits are.

Good luck, please know for me it has taken three very long years to figure this stuff out, three hard years. But when your BPD is happy because they feel love and joy so much more deeply then most people it will be an absolute joy and the most magical experience for you. Just be realistic and remember they feel all the other emotions deeply as well. Don't hate them and remember they are really suffering in their own mind at those times. If you can't handle the ride don't get on the bull! It's not fair to you and it's not fair to them.













 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to share these thoughts. I do a little of this, but your hard work will definitely help me take it to the next level! Thank you so much! Very lovely post! :)

Congratulations !    I am so happy for you...     |iiii

I myself am on the mission of understanding as well.  A lot of what you said makes a lot of sense to me, funny how taking the time to want to understand and work for it makes for a better person.    After three relationships of pwBPD I am slowly getting it now, it all takes a lot of work from both parties of course.  I'm going to bookmark this post so I can revert back to it if needed, this is good advice. 

Thanks for the wonderful replies. Couple of little bits, that popped into my mind after I pressed send are:

One thing that worked last night, was during a point with our "fire drill" almost got out of control, I said "I just want you to know even though it looks like I am really angry with you, deep inside I really love you", then I said "I really want more than anything else is to give you a kiss". Don't forget how well humor can go toward de escalating a heated situation.

Good job surfsupap1.

Keep up the good work & appreciate the happy times and moments you strive to achieve.

Pedro.

It is very nice to hear what has worked for other people.  It is very helpful to hear suggestions from someone in a relationship with a BPD and has made it work.  Right now we are down for the count.  He's been crying out that he is done with all this bs, is chronically angry at me for minor infractions that have been processed as monumental betrayals.  I admit that I am no saint.  I do have my flaws and I'm noticing one of the things that sets him off is if I don't think before I speak.  He likes when he asks a question, I give a yes or no answer.  No detail, no explanation about any of it... just yes or no.  Then if he asks why, he wants the short sweet to the point answer.  I'm the kind of person that likes to be detailed or thorough... so I have to constantly fight back my desire to give in depth answers.  He says when I give in depth responses or try to explain the answer... that's my way of trying to throw in lies or buy time so I can think of a lie... soo... fighting my own nature in that aspect. 

Also lies.  Not talking like... I had an affair type lies... but something like... if he asks if I pay the credit card.  My first thought... oh crap, I forgot to pay it after he's been telling me to do it.  So I may say... yes, credit card was paid and payment is processing.  My following thought is, I pay it as soon as he leaves the room so he will never know I forgot.  I have learned that thought process, has gotten me in nothing but a ___ storm of rage.  He finds out I lied about saying I paid when I did and that is a 1000 times worse than just saying I forgot.  Don't get me wrong, in no way I am saying this is by any means ok.  A lie is a lie.  I'm finding it as a habit that I have so deeply ingrained that its harder to break than originally thought.  I did some soul searching on why I do those things.  Think I uncovered the root of the habit.  So his reactions are intensified.  He rages on about how I choose to be a bad person, how I'm always lying about everything, that he can't entrust me to do even the simplest of tasks, and that's how I got in trouble before by putting everything off, that I'm a piece of ___ for saying that... .I wish he could be more helpful instead of seek to destroy my confidence and make me feel like a child that got caught stealing a cookie before dinner.

I will take these tips to heart, because I cannot continue this path.  Things have to change if I want to say my relationship.

Wow, Frankee, that's crazy, however I get the same thing about communication, yes or now answers, etc. I also get that I talk in paragraphs, even if I just said a few words and nothing I say makes sense. What I have found is that I have to stand very firm on "Let me finish my sentence", regardless of what they say, because I too like to be more descriptive in my words and I have a right to speak as I please. If I am interrupted I say it again, "let me finish my sentence", we have had discussions about taking turns and what we have found is that the neither one of us gets to reply until the party speaking says "I am done". Until the "I am done" the other party can not say anything, other than asking "are you done yet", but this must be respectfully asked after a long enough pause so its not harsh.

Basically you have to train your BPD, if you are very firm about having your turn, un interrupted they will eventually realize it's hopeless to not follow the rules. You have to stand firm, just like with a small child.

As far as the credit card, etc. that's tuff also, I get the "I broke an agreement" a lot or "I can't be trusted" a lot. It's incredibly frustrating. I am still struggling on that one.  I would error on the side of just answering truthfully, and being firm on handling things as you decide and for him to stop mico managing you, otherwise he can have the job of what ever.  I would work on the judgments afterwards, I say "please judge me" and will simply repeat this. I read in one book that said you can also raise your hand like a stop sign and say "stop judging me", I often also say, "no XYZ (what ever they are imagining I am doing wrong) is not happening, and now you know", if they don't believe you that's their issue, just re-state that no, XYZ is not happening and don't try and convince them, it's a waste of time and forces you into the whirlpool.

Sorry I meant "please don't judge me".

really, don't get into trying to convince your BPD of anything. Your logic will not work or be listened to, just repeat "please don't judge me", if they continue say ""if you continue to judge me, I am going to have to leave the room".

Also, for you out there who don't view your self as very good at being direct or accretive, I had to practice these phrases in my car for along time, this stuff is really tuff. This as never been my nature. But the sooner you start the better you will feel about yourself and also your life will get better with your BPD. Please note, that initially your BPD will not like your changes and new found voice and will try and put you back into the box. Just be prepared for this and be mindful of backing down, you may have to ease into it a bit with them so they start to get the new you. I struggled with this for some time and still do. However, it is making me a better person in so many areas of my life. In a way I am very thankful for my BPD.  Just play around with how firm you are and your tone, find your way that works. but the firmer you are the better.

I hear you on the new voice.  Had him tell me yesterday he doesn't like the new me.  Which is sad because I do.  We had a break through yesterday, however, very short lived.  We got a lot of feelings and emotions out and I told him I knew I had some things to work on and he said he would too.  Today, was not so good.  I didn't get the new phone this morning (the ones he smashed yesterday), went to the store to put money on the card and picked up a couple things.  Didn't answer appropriately when he asked how much money we had left (I thought it was after I was going to pay the bill) he meant after I bought a couple things at the store.  And my paycheck was $70 less than what I thought and had told him.  I didn't check my hours and assumed I got 80 hours.  So he got mad and said I lied, told him no, I was mistaken, I thought I got 80 hours when I only got 77. 

He carried on and said how do I not know nothing and I never do anything we talk about.  I at one point snapped because I was fed up with him calling me stupid and that pissed him off.  I apologized but he didn't accept it.  Not to mention he found condoms in the car which he blew up yesterday about screaming they were mine and he wasn't going to be with a cheater.  They weren't mine, they turned out to be my idiot brother in law's who found them on the street and decided to keep them instead of throwing them away.  So today after I didn't do exactly what I was told, he decided to say some pretty mean things about the imaginative cheating.  Telling me since I lie and he had evidence (because of the condoms and I had left my boots in the car) and what I was saying didn't make sense.  My sarcasm came out and said, when do I have a track record of making sense? 

I feel like as soon as I make a little bit of progress, something happens to where we end up back at ground zero.  I too am grateful for my SO.  It's been a very rocky and extremely difficult at times.  We've had some bad times and still have them.  He does know how to hold a grudge.  He does like to use pass mess ups as ammo.  So in a way, I have had to find a way to forgive myself for those past error of judgements.  I find it hurts less when he drudges up skeletons in the closet when I have come to peace with it.  He has also made me more aware of telling the stupid lies that have no reason.  I understand why he's feeling the way he does and thinks, doesn't mean it hurts less when he behaves and talks to me the way he does at times. 

I really see what you mean by back in the box.  I have to still tread carefully on my tone, responses, and how I respond.  We still are on bad terms and I know I need to ease into certain way of handling things.  He claims he just wants to talk, but it's hard for me not to get upset when he gets upset because I didn't answer him the right way.  Always saying I'm trying to justify myself and my actions by telling him what I did.  Any yes, the whole logic thing... goes right out the window when he gets into one of his moods.  Another thing though that kind of threw me for a loop.  I been seeing everywhere that you can't control other people's emotions, but you control how you react.  So I wasn't letting him get under my skin and I was staying calm and wouldn't get upset or anything.  Then he tells me he was doing all of that to get a reaction.  He says that keeping quiet and not saying anything makes him more angry and he would rather have me fight with him and get everything out.  And he doesn't want a woman that will let him belittle her... :/  I don't trust him 100%.  I'll argue with him if that's what he wants, but still going to be very careful about what I say.

I guess we'll see what tonight brings when he comes home from work.