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Title: I feel like the worst. Post by: magicplant on July 28, 2017, 10:27:28 PM Me and my girlfriend who I would rather not name have been dating for about 10 months. The first 3 months were really good and we were really, really happy. A few weeks ago, she was diagnosed with BPD and that explain quite a lot about her behaviors. But lately, anytime I make a small mistake, she gets really mean and really intense, really fast. I don't even have to do anything. She could stumble upon a conversation that I had with a girl years before we dated and she'll get angry at me for it and say some of the meanest things imaginable. On top of that, she never believes a word I say. Everything I say is followed by her with an "I don't know that" or a "you can't prove it."
She just makes me feel so bad for everything I do. Like I'm the worst boyfriend ever. I buy her things and I remind her to take her medicine and I make sure she does the things she needs to do. I am good to her, but every night lately we argue and she says that I'm nothing but 'extra weight that she has to carry.' She just makes me feel so terrible all the time. I feel like I'm just a headache to her and there's nothing I can do to change it. Also, I might add that this is a long distance relationship, so I can't just give her a hug or anything. What in the hell do I do? I want to make her happy and I want her to not say extremely mean things to me... . Title: Re: I feel like the worst. Post by: Lakebreeze on July 28, 2017, 11:03:45 PM Im so sorry this is happening to you. The sting is so real. The unfortunate thing is that you can't change what she says. You can't make her not say the mean things. But you can change the way you feel when you hear them. My therapist described it as hearing that mean thing, deciding if it is true( hey I'm not stupid, selfish, etc) and then letting it go. Do not absorb all the hurt. Don't allow it to get to you. You can tell her when she is calm how the hurtful things make you feel. Take care of yourself! Explore this site a little bit, there are some great articles on JADEing and other techniques.
Title: Re: I feel like the worst. Post by: takingandsending on July 29, 2017, 12:01:35 AM Hi magicplant and welcome to bpdfamily.
Lakebreeze is correct. We can't control what our partners say or do. But we can control how we feel and respond. General rule is to not take it personally. So often, what is being said is 95% projection and 5% true. It was always that little kernel of truth in my wife's criticism that made me miss the 95% of pure projection. But as I learned more about the illness and how it manifests, I also learned not to react too quickly or too strongly. And to clarify what Lakebreeze said, JADE is not a tool. It is absolutely the thing we have to stop doing if we hope to better the communication with a pwBPD. JADE is to respond to upset or attack by Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining. As you have likely experienced, these approaches only make things worse. That's because none of them validate the pwBPDs feelings, which causes them further upset. There are really good tools on validation, communication skills such as Sympathy Empathy Truth (SET) and how to survive attacks (i.e. boundaries). More members will chime in. Keep posting here and ask questions as you go. It is a difficult illness but there are things that we can do to make it better. And hopefully your gf receiving treatment will help too. Good luck and welcome. |