BPDFamily.com

Hi all. I'm a 52 year old female and I suspect my best friend (31 year old female) of three years has BPD. After reading up on the subject, she appears to be high functioning "invisible", and so no one sees this side of her except me.
A brief history - we became close about three years ago after she moved here to find a job and moved in with me temporarily until she got settled. We had a wonderful, close relationship. I was in a difficult marriage, and she was a tremendous support for me, and she was going through a difficult time, and I was good support for her, too. As we got closer, she began to express fears that I would get tired of the relationship, want to leave it, discover things about her that would make me leave, etc. I was bewildered by this, because she's incredibly important to me. As my marriage began to deteriorate further, I asked for time and distance to work on my marriage. I told her I needed to concentrate on trying to salvage that relationship of 17 years, and needed to take a break from daily texting and weekly visits for a while, then told her I wasn't sure we could remain friends. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and my partner was incredibly threatened by my friend, so it was a desperate attempt to appease her. I went back to my friend the next day and told her what a terrible mistake I'd made, that I wanted her in my life, and to please forgive me. We've been working on that for a while now, and I've apologized sincerely more than once, explained that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me, but to no avail. She's said she wants the friendship back as well, but every time we move forward a bit, she's terrified and retreats HARD. She can be nasty in texts, but rearely in person, although she's certainly guarded, sarcastic, dismissive, and frequently gives me the silent treatment. Our friendship was wonderful and we were very important to each other, so I'm motivated to repair this, but I'm at a loss. I'm starting to set limits on the tone of texts, and that I won't communicate with her when she's being disrespectful or dismissive of me. She balked initially, but the tone is changing a bit as I stick to my guns. Now she's beginning some projection and accusing me of gasligniting her, when she texts me to leave her alone, or stay away, yet continues to communicate with me, open the door when I tell her I'm coming over, hasn't blocked me on social media or in texting, etc. I love her very much and I'm the only close person to her in her life. She has few friends because she's terrified of rejection and so won't ask anyone to do things or reach out in any way, and her family relationships are rife with addiction and mental illness, so she really has no one else except some superficial work relationships. I'd like to be a support for her. I'm just not sure how I can best do that, or if I can do it at all. So, that's where I am and why I'm here. I'm eager to learn more.

Hi

Welcome to the boards. It sounds like you are on the right path in setting boundaries with your friend. That is the most important thing in being in a relationship with someone with BPD. One thing many people see is that when they begin to set a boundary, the pwBPD changes tactics to try to get a response out of you. It sounds like your friend may be doing this. I just want to encourage you to continue setting boundaries. When you can see that she seems scared or hurt, validate those fears and let her know that you are listening.