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Really starting to doubt about posting on here. I posted my entire story before we broke up, and no one responded... .

Long Story short, my Fiance and I have been together for just over a year and a half. We've lived together just as long. I know for a fact that we both love each other so much still.

Recently he went on a Family vacation to California for a week. Little did I know, he wasn't coming back. The first day he was gone was VERY hard for me, because I am very  codependant of him. Way too much. I realized this on the beginning of day 2, and I backed off and tried to find support at home. He was crying for space and I was trying my best to give it to him. Day 3 in the early morning, a VERY traumatic event occurred in my life, and I  ran to him immediately for support. I wish I hadn't ever done that... he became very angry with me. I promised him that I was trying to leave him be on his vacation... that I can go the rest of this week without bringing up him, us, how sad or lonely I was ect... I just begged him to let me show him. He agreed, and I did! I did great. Late at night on day 3 He called me as he was on his way to get a pack of smokes. He found out he couldn't buy them because in CA now you have to be 21. He is only 20 (im 21) and he broke down. He started crying and then he said to me that he didn't want to come home. He told me he couldn't come home because if he did, he knew he wouldn't be able to break up with me. I tried to push this to the side. I begged him to just stop thinking about this until he was home. Told him to just focus on his vacation and we would settle this all when he got home. We finished that phone call, (the break up call) with one of the BEST conversations we've ever had. We were making each other smile and laugh all over again like it really didn't happen. Day 4 and day 5 went well. I was giving him all the space he had asked for. I didnt bring us up once! I didnt complain about being sad or anything.

Then he called lastnight (day 5) and said he was sure now, he had made up his mind. He wasnt coming home. When I asked why he said it was because he knows if he comes home and sees me again, he knows his love for me will take control and he will stay with me. He doesnt want that to happen. He doesnt want to live his life like this. He had already left his job, and told his friends.

Now he wont talk to me at all. We always promised eachother we would be friends after we broke up becuase he knows im here in TX alone. I have no friends, no support, and no family nada. Just our T.

I have a few friends that are coworkers but I dont go to them for anything. I am now obviously as im trying to break my codependency of him. I feel so lost. I feel like life as i knew it is gone. swept out from underneith me. Im overwhelmed. I cant afford our bills with out him. This will damage my credit along with his. This has affected me at work... Im not sleeping or eating right. I havent been since he left to go on vacation. He was supposed to come home tomorrow... .I keep praying that Ill see him walk through that door, even tho I know i wont.  Im tired of everyone saying "its going to be okay" "you just have to be strong" "you deserve better anyways" None of these passive statements help... .I just want him to come back... he always came back... .I dont know what I did this time. Why would he leave me high and dry like this?

Sorry if im in the wrong place.

Dear @cc2203 I'm so sorry that you did not get support you needed last time you posted here. There is an overwhelming number of people seeking advice and social support, keep on posting, your feelings matter. I can't give you an advice other then :read, read " I hate you don't leave me", read "stop walking on eggshells" anything and everything regarding BPD, it will hopefully point you to the direction that you aren't a victim, and your role in these relationships. Make practical arrangements, call your credit card company, don't wait for debts to pile up. You need to be cautiously optimistic, after all BPDs are notorious for recycling their loved ones. By preparing for the worse case scenario, you will anticipate financial and practical hardships to give you some time and head space to process the reality. Try to look into meditation yoga practicing, for me it feels like a swirl of busy bees, accepting reality for what is helps to numb the pain. Adjust your expectations. There are specialists everywhere for debt consolidation, reach out, for a much smaller fee they will negotiate with your credit cards and lenders. No one can tell you what to do or if and when he will come back. All that is certain is that this person is suffering from a personality disorder, his actions are unpredictable and defies any logic. You can't understand it. Roll with it.
One thing that has helped me to fall asleep last night, is imagining our relationship as a mirror. People usually mirror each other, in the case of BPD you are looking at the reflection of yourself, through that person's eyes. All those mirrors are distorted some making you unproportinally long, others short, but non of them are really you. Loneliness is a punishment, but solitude is a safe place. Look deep within, and find the things you want to say, give to yourself, you can feel that need while you are figuring out what to do. I'm here for you 

hi cc2203 and *welcome*

i can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, and while im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, im glad you found us. we can help. additionally, im sorry you hadnt received any responses to your story, sometimes posts can fall through the cracks. in any event, we are here to support you.

can you give us some backstory on what led to this recent breakup? has he given you any reasons for it at all?

its really hard to be blindsided like this, and when you dont have a support system in place. i remember feeling very alone when my ex left me, too. i know those sorts of statements you mentioned can feel really hollow, invalidating, and unhelpful. what i can tell you is that no matter what happens, things get better, and we are here for you.

My original post is very full of background and detail. Its a bit lengthy but it tells the entire story of us. Our issues/ problems and the bumps along the way to where we are now. It was called "I dont know how I let it get this bad".

I keep talking to one of his friends that he talked to and im unable to determine if shes just feeding me what I want to hear if shes serious too... She still says she thinks he will come home... maybe he just needs more time. I plan on talking to his mom today also. Last night he told me to talk to her instead of him from now on, regarding everything moving forward. Completely shutting me out. He started crying and said im sorry last night but hes sticking to his guns. If he doesnt come home soon, I will have to quit my new career and run to Kansas. In Kansas are my parents and a FEW old friends that ma still talk to me. I feel like going home is a bad option. But Im almost just as alone here too. I have isolated myself so much and im so scared. I dont know what to do... .what to think... how to feel. Im just very lost. I have no closure yet because he wont talk to me.

I feel like im dying inside.

the first step on the Saving board is to stop the bleeding. its where we identify things we may be doing unintentionally, and well meaning, that may be self defeating or relationship defeating. have you had an opportunity to look through the lessons and tools directly to the right?

so right now, it seems to me you want to be very careful about who you talk to, and what you relay to them. even if they have your best interests at heart, they may, as you said, be telling you what you want to hear, and there is always the possibility that anything you say gets relayed to him. hes asking for space, and if things get relayed to him, it could push him away.

have you been talking to your therapist? do they have any thoughts about what is going on?

Its just s hard because his friend, is one of the very few people who actually made me feel better during this whole thing. She has been so supportive. I dont want to lose being able to talk to her too... I texted the T and called her this morning with no answer. I left her a message. Waiting for her to call back.

lean on us. we can help.

how can we best support you right now, cc2203? do you have any questions regarding your relationship, or the lessons to the right?

I agree with this and what once removed said about being careful with what you say to the friend or family in that it may just push your fiancee further away.

I remember, all too well, the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and despair when my relationship ended. My life had become so enmeshed with my x's that it was hard to tell where she ended and I began. When the relationship ended, it was like most of my life was gone. It sounds like that is what you are describing. Is that correct?

One of the best things that you can do for yourself and to give your relationship the best chance for survival is to give him the space that he's asking for and focus on yourself. I know that it's hard and painful, but allowing yourself to feel the pain as you push through this will be beneficial to you. It will help teach you a lot about yourself if you allow it.

When that starts to happen, then you can start to make the changes necessary to save the relationship.

You've received some great advice so far. We're here for you and will support you. How can we best do that?

Maybe you guys see theres a chance for us? Is that what youre saying? I dont want to get my hopes up for nothing. Knowing that giving him the space will allow him to come back to me is THE ONLY motivation I have to actually push through NC for a period of time. You said to "... .save the relationship." As excited as I am for this, and to hear this, Im very fearful that there isnt another chance. He left here on Tuesday, for a vacation with his family. He broke up with me on Thursday. His coworkers were informed on Saturday that he was no longer working there. (Assuming he quit, he says he did.) I feel like him quiting is whats sticking out to me so far. I dont think he will ever come back... He told me to talk to his mom for everything in terms of, arranging finical obligations, and property gathering.

I want so bad to just keep telling myself, give him space and he will return. He always returns. He just needs some more time right now. But I honestly am not sure if I can believe that anymore. After the conversation we had lastnight... .idk. He removed his phone from out Itunes account so I cant see where he is. I believe he did this just for privacy. And i support that. But I cant tell him that. I cant tell him anything. Because I cant talk to him. Even if I wanted to, I dont know if he blocked my number or not. So i just gave up.

I just tried to eat... Put the food in my mouth and almost immediately wanted to throw up. I cant stomach this. atleast not yet... .And I know he cant either. He said so last night. He said he hasnt been able to let go of it since he did it. He says he cant eat or sleep either. He said its killing him and he feels terribly.

My best case that I wanted for this:

Convince him to just take some more time in LA - ENJOY some personal time there. Lets not talk for a FULL WEEK or so. Then come home, lets sit down and talk about this. That DOES NOT mean we have to get back together. But just talk about what happened. Learn from this together and move on. Actually handle his business with out dogs, apartment, and his belongings. In the unlikely event we do end up getting back together we FIANLLLLY have something to go on... .we had been seeing the therpist for weeks and both felt like she wasnt helping at all.

I know that this sounds trite, but as long as you believe that there is a chance to rekindle the relationship, the chance exists. It is only when both partners decide that there is no chance that the option goes away. Now you can put that question out of your mind and put the energy toward something else.

That being said, I completely agree with you that getting overly-enthusiastic is a bad plan. In fact, my advice to you is to let go of all expectations one way or the other. Spending time worrying about things that may or may not happen is draining you of much needed energy right now. Easy for me to say, right?

It's hard, but we all can learn to release expectations and just live. It's another form of what call around here thinking with a =https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mindWisemind (http://www.=https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mindWisemind). What we mean by that, in short, is that we need to recognize our emotional mind and our logical mind and the area where they overlap is wise mind.

Expectations are nothing more than thoughts created by emotions. We either fear something or get overly excited by it. We create situations in our mind that may or may not ever happen and we react to those thoughts. If you just recognize them for what they are, thoughts, and not give them any power (don't react to them, just recognize them), then you can make more mindful decisions.

I had a lot of trouble eating and sleeping too when I was going through what you are describing. I had to remind myself that the best chance that I had to get my gf back was to make myself the most attractive person that I could be.  Not eating or sleeping was wearing me down. I was not going to be attractive that way, so I forced myself to do it. I didn't want to... .it made me feel sick... .the food tasted bland and dry... .it was a struggle just to get it in my mouth. But, I knew that I loved my gf and that I would do almost anything to get her back, so I forced myself. After a few days, it got much easier.

its about giving it the room and potential for the best case scenario. we cannot tell you for certain that he will return to the relationship. we can tell you that there are ways of making this less likely, help you identify whether or not youre doing them, and provide some tools to help nip them in the bud; we can also, in the meantime, provide you with the skills, tools, and knowledge, that if he does return, will give your relationship a fighting shot, with the goal of not repeating the same outcome.

when my ex broke up with me, i was hopeful that she would come back. i had the urge to do lots of things that, in hindsight, would have made matters worse, mostly for me. even today, i am very grateful that i maintained my dignity, and didnt spend a lot of time kicking myself over "what ifs". so in the event that he does not return, you still want to keep your self respect intact, and not just push him away.

We just recently moved into a new apartment, with both names on the lease. Our rent plus other bills is more than my income. I cant afford it alone. Its only a 1 bedroom apartment but in a very nice part of town. - Seeing as he wont speak to me currently, and he advised I only speak to his mother if I need him, I did that just now.  I asked if she thought he was serious about not coming back. She affirmed. I asked what his plans are she advised she wasn't sure. All she knows is he will be traveling around with his sister, who is a traveling ER nurse. She is in a new city every three months. She makes PLENTY of money to support both him and her. And thats awesome I support if he wants to spend time with his sister. But there is no way for him to get a job, as he quit the one he had here already, when hes floating to a new city every three months. He has bills of his own, (credit and some household bills are in only his name) plus the rent is legally half his. I asked her what the plans are for that, and she told me I was on my own... .I needed to figure it out on my own. Basically saying he has no intention of paying. I mentioned legally he has to... she said "Go ahead and try to take him to court. You know whats gonna happen then? You're not gonna like it. Hes gonna get all his friends to testify that you created a Domestically Violent home, with your controlling and mental abuse, and that he had no choice but to leave". The ___ty part is, I NEVER laid a hand on him. He always punched me, bit me, shoved me, kicked me. The only time I touched him was when id hold him back from hitting himself. - This is making me feel like a monster. I am going to either lose my apartment and kill my credit. OR Im gonna only pay rent and let the other bills pile up. I simply dont make enough money. I work two jobs. But if I go full time at both, I wont ever have time to focus on or fix some of my issues.

That's a tough situation to be in CC. I'm really, terribly sorry that you are having to deal with all of it. It sounds so stressful.

Have you spoken with your landlord about the fact that he has left the apartment? There might be something that the landlord can do. Perhaps there is another unit, or if it is a property management company, they may have another complex that you can switch to that is more affordable. At the end of the day, if something can't be worked out, everyone loses so it's in their best interest to try to help.

Also, you mentioned that there has been domestic violence against you. Did you report it? Are there women's services in your area that can/will help you even though he's left the apartment?

Will your family help you temporarily until you can get this all sorted out?

As for his traveling, never coming back, etc. I would try to not read too much into that right now. pwBPD do and say strange things when they are dysregulated. What is very real to them in one moment can be completely different in the next.

Yes, I spoke to them and they basically said it doesn't matter, as long as im living there rent must be paid. In the even I need to terminate the lease, then the normal fees must be paid. ($4,420) and must be paid up front with 30 day notice. If not paid, will go to collections after both of us. Not just me, even if I pay my half.

No the viloence was never reported. Typically he would start hurting himself, and I would step in and try to stop him, then Id end up getting hurt in the end.

My family is willing to help me little by little as they can, but I know they cant help as much as I need from him.

And this time its different... I mean he was on vacation, then just quit his job, and said hes never comming home. Hes gonna live with his sister, and off of her income... He has had his mom speak with me, about getting some of this belongings. I honestly dont want to release any of his belonging until he has given me some sort of rent payments. Also I really just want him to talk to be about these things... .not force mommy to play middle man. Its just so frustrating. Like I know he is listening to her advice right now. And she doesnt care about me at all, so shes saying ":)ont pay him anything... ." ":)ont talk to him, hes gonna try to get you to go home" ect ect. I need to know how he wants to split up the bank account, I need to know what he plans on doing with his cell phone (its in my name), I need to know when he plans on changing the few bills in his name, over to mine. I need to know if I can get a room mate, (Only person looking right now is someone he doesnt really care for... .). I dont want to push him away further or anything like that... .like if he changes his mind, I want to be able to welcome him with open arms that he WANTS to be in, not he wants too, see I had another guy move in, or see that I shut off his phone, or see that I took all the money from out checking account, then start to not want to come home. I know how fickel he can be... ):

I just dont know what to do anymore... .and HE WONT TALK TO MEEEEEE! UGH!

If you don't want to deal with his mother in all of this, why are you?

Currently He leaves me no other option. I really dont want to just screw him over. Thats not right... .I understand that is what he is doing to me but that doesnt make it right or okay for me to do to him. And since he blocked me, and wont talk to me on his moms phone even with her standing there, I have very few options other than to talk to his mother.

Is not discussing it with anyone other than him not an option?

How would you be "screwing him over"? Is he not the one who left and is refusing to talk to you?

What I'm point out here is that it appears that you are trying to shield him from the consequences of his own actions. He is an adult and thus responsible and accountable for his choices.

One of the things mentioned in our lesson on The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0%3ball) is that you must not protect them from natural consequences of their actions, and that you have to let them fail. It's a hard and scary thing to do, I truly get that, but if there is a possibility for having a long term relationship with him you are going to have to be strong enough to allow it to happen. So, if you continue to cower to his demands, you are dooming any chance at a lasting relationship.

It's a chance that you are going to have to decide if you are willing to take:

Risk him going away forever because you decided to stand up for yourself, or guarantee that he does by continuing to allow him to control?

None of us can make that choice for you. I can tell you that we will be here and support you whichever you choose.

dont screw him over. do allow him to experience the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be.

Well, as he was on the lease, and I  can not afford it currently, that means it would affect BOTH his and my credit. There is no way to only save mine... So Im given two options. 1) Find a room mate or 2) break the lease.

1) I have someone in mind, but this was an old gay friend of mine who E was always very jealous of. I want to make sure he feels safe coming home to me whenever he does decide to. And I feel like having W move in is a bad idea for that reason. Besides, its only a 1 Bedroom appt. Its not like I have actual space to offer to someone else so no one will want to bunk up.

Option 2) Pay the nearly $4500 and break the lease {Except we dont have that kind of money... neither E or myself.} So clearly I cant do that... .But I could do another variation of this option, as it doesnt require payment until the apartment is reoccupied. But It could cost a WHOLE LOT more in the long run, as Id have to pay rent until someone else moved into the unit.

I do want to protect him... I dont want there to be any issues when he thinks about coming home. I want him to come home so bad. Even though I know he isnt coming home today... .or tomorrow. Who knows about next week or month. So I dont want to risk that chance because I have someone else living with me now, or because I shut him out by turning off his phone ect.

right now, there are no clear loyalties. he has moved out, and he says he will not return.


you cant anticipate this, and i dont think you should try. protect yourself. right now, protecting yourself means doing what is in your interest, and that should not take his interest, or what he might or might not do into the equation. if he didnt exist, but you found yourself in this situation, what would you do?

he created these issues. he may not like the consequences, but they are his consequences. protecting yourself is a far cry from screwing him over. if you can afford to wait, fine, but it doesnt sound like you can.

These are all really hard decisions to make cc2203, I'm truly sorry that you have to make them. There is no good answer, well, at least not one that feels safe.

As it stands now, I fear that his bad behavior is being rewarded and he is learning that no matter what, he can come home. That gives him all of the power and control. That is a really bad thing to do in a relationship with a pwBPD traits.

Is there any way that you can think of to take your power back? What risks are you willing to take to put yourself in the best position to safe not only the relationship, but yourself?

I just cant bring myself to hurt him. Not yet at least. Regardless, Im not going to default on the lease. I cant afford it and it wouldn't be smart to let it effect my credit just because he is trying to hurt me right now... .So W will move in. Its gonna happen. But in order for that to happen, and relieve him of any and all finical responsibility, All three of us will have to sign a Lease addendum. Since E isnt here, he will sign it the notarize it and mail it back. The other two of us will sign in person. But that will have W's name printed on it before it gets to E. I feel really bad and guilty about doing this with out giving him a heads up.
... I have the same feelings about our joint account. I feel like I shouldn't just take all the money out of there, but Im the one stuck with the bills, and he is the one who quit his job and ran away. But I feel so terrible just thinking of taking whats left of our account away from him and putting it into an account of my own.

yes, that move might be kind of drastic and hasty. do you have a reasonable accounting of what remains in the account that you directly contributed? is half and half reasonable?

Shouldn't that money be used to pay the bills that you are jointly responsible for anyway?

Thats the issue... I dont know how to do that. I dont know what I could do in the position im in to take the power back.

Would refusing to deal with your situation with him through a third-party not be a step in doing that?

I know where you're coming from though. When things were all fresh and raw when I got here, I allowed my uBPDexgf to dictate every aspect of my life, including who I was friends with and what public places I was allowed to go and stay away from. I even went so far as to fix her motorcycle and was donating plasma to afford to make her payments on the thing. I was so afraid that if I told her "no" that she would be gone forever.

I also hoped that she would find all of my efforts enduring, sweet, loving, and ultimately attractive - that she would think that I was the perfect match for her. That doesn't work btw. That makes a person a doormat and doormats are not attractive. The opposite effect was achieved. It caused her to have zero respect for me and was disgusted by and wanted nothing to do with me.

Here's what happened though, when I finally stood up for myself and told her "no" she started to take notice of me again and stopped much of what she had been doing because it was no longer effective on me.

Right now, it sounds to me that you are in that same spot that I was. So afraid of making the wrong choice and upsetting him that you are giving control over to him. At this point, he gets to do whatever he wants without consequence and you are paying the price. He has no reason to look at you right now.

All that being said, aside from refusing to deal with his mother on his issues, what else do you think that you can do to regain your power?

Yes. But I know how he is with spending money. As soon as he switched to his old iphone account, he charged 18.99 subscrptions to our account. and to answer the other question... .No way is 50/50 a fair split. I make so much more than he does. There was about 1600 in the account. of that maybe 300 was his. I paid this months rent out of the account we now have 500. So if I were to do anything id take the 200 and leave his 300. But honestly Since he isnt willing to help me at all with the bills i feel like i should get all of it.

I just feel like im doing the wrong thing by forgetting about him and focusing on me. Like what if he wants to come back tomorrow, and Ive already done all these things? Then hes gonna feel even worse and be even more sad.

I don't think that any of us would argue that wouldn't be the fair and smart thing to do. He's jointly responsible, he should be paying as well.


This is an extremely common thought process around here. If you start to read the threads of others, you'll literally find hundreds of examples of people who have said those very words, myself included in one form or another. Dealing with a someone showing BPD traits is counter-intuitive. What you think would be helpful generally isn't. It can all get really confusing.

I do feel compelled to ask you what it matters if he feels worse or sad because you are protecting yourself? Why are you so worried about his being sad? (Remember the comments earlier about protecting him and your saying that you aren't?)

I dont know. Im so afraid of pushing him away. Like what if me taking control doesn't work. What if that just pushes him away further?

But what else do you think i could do to get his attention, and take control back? Is that what this really is? a battle for control?

i dont know... i think im still very upset... I still want him to come back. I still look to see if hes posted anything, even thought I havent reached out to him at all.  I still wait around my phone for a call saying "Baby im coming home" ... I know ones not coming but Im not ready to accept that yet I dont think... .

I know that it's a scary thing, but what's the alternative? Do you really want to live your life being ruled by another? What about you, your self-respect, self-esteem, and dignity?

I know that a great number of members here have been willing to throw all of that away in hopes of getting their pwBPD back. Again, you can read my words in a few posts above where I was that same way at one point. It doesn't work though. It won't get you what you want. Well, that is, unless what you want is to be submissive to the whims of another that driven by his emotional state at any given moment. If that is truly the case, then we need to be having a different discussion. Is it?


These are very complex questions because you are dealing with a very complex situation. There are no quick fixes (and, honestly, you really don't want there to be because then there would be no real, significant change). It is going to require you to summon a great deal of internal strength and self-respect. You'll need to be able to withstand the hurts (see the link I posted earlier about the Do's and Don'ts).

The basic format for doing what we are talking about here can be found in the sidebar to the right. Learning to soothe your emotions, think mindfully, listen with empathy and don't invalidate when there is communication, define and maintain boundaries, learn all that you can about BPD, take care of yourself, and enjoy life are the basic steps.

All of that is really natural. Your life has drastically changed in an instant and it takes time to adjust. Just let yourself feel those things. Try to not allow them to control you, just feel them.

Monumental Update... .

 I was very weak yesterday when speaking to his mother, as I have to only talk to her to get information to and from him since he refuses to talk to me. I decided to start to stand up for my self, as you guys recommended, and I refused to return his class ring. I wasnt ready to let go of it. I wanted to hold onto that... It meant alot to me. I wore his class ring for almost a year until he proposed on July 16, 16. I still do kinda want it. Once I showed her any refusal, she went on a rage and said she was going to start taking the TVs and the Bed, the Couch... ect. Because most of this furniture was in her home, before she gave it to him and we brought it into ours. Her taking these things didnt hurt me, except he had provided a list, and said everything else in our home I could keep. In my mind it hurt because he was okay with me sleeping on the floor, and living in an empty home that i cant afford.

I told one of his friends, and she reached out to him. He almost instantly broke the NC and reached to me. We messaged briefly back and forth. Then I was going to the gym, and he wanted to talk more. He asked if he could call me, I told him he could, just later that night. After I got home from the gym, I messaged him and he called. He called from a different number, than his own. I asked about that and he told me his mom had given him a new phone so that he wouldnt be able to talk to me, and vise versa as neither of us had eachothers numbers and his old phone was powered off and hidden from him by his sister.

He actually came to me... Which was what I wanted so bad,... but i was so scared. I just started being okay with him being gone. as a codependent It is so had to do that... .During the call, he expressed how much he loves me and how worried about me he was. Even went as far to say "I want to come home and be with you so bad, but I cant anymore". At the end of the call, he asked if we could talk again, ofcourse I agreed. I tried not to show him how happy him talking to me made me, but i was estatic. elated.

At the very end of the phone call, he said I love you as he was saying good bye, I BUSTED out uncontrollably crying. Tears of job and sadness at the same exact time. He tried to sooth my pain, "baby,,, baby... dont cry cody. its okay, I love you so much. Im so sorry I did this to you. Its gonna be okay soon. I promise" he said.

Im terrified of him now. I dont want to expect something he doesnt even know if he wants yet, and I dont want to keep pushing myself further away from him because being alone reallly does suck.

Last night really has me messed up now. Im so confused... .Why would he call me and tell me he was so sorry and that he still loved me and talk to me about how much he misses me. Does he want me to chase? does he want me to beg? I can if thats what he needs... if thats what will make him come home. But I feel like I shuoldnt do that... I feel like thats just enabling him. But I want him home so bad. I dont wanna hurt anymore. More importantly I dont wanna see him hurt anymore. Feeling lost and confused. Help ):

You're right, you shouldn't chase, beg, or enable. That would just be you handing control right back to him. I know it's hard and hurts, but you really need to be strong if you want some meaningful change. He isn't going to change until he decides to do so, until then, it's entirely on you.

Remember, begging and being a doormat are not attractive qualities. If you want him back, you have to be attractive to him.

Write about the pain, whether you just journal it (someplace that no one will ever know about) or post here. Whatever you are comfortable doing. The important thing is to get it out.

It will also help soothe the pain if you start reading the lessons. They will give you guidance and hope. The more you learn, the stronger you'll begin to feel. You'll have better tools to mitigate the situation.

Read the threads of others. In them, you'll find people who are going through very similar struggles to yours and words of wisdom given by others. You'll start to see that you can survive this and come out on the side in a far better position.

We are here to support you through all of this.

Did you see the post about the monumental update? DO you have any feed back about what happened? What I should do better?

I did see the post.

The only real feedback that I had on it was that I thought it was awesome that you continued with your plan to go to the gym and made him wait to talk more and that you decided to take a stand. Those things are a big first step.

The making him wait thing is an example of your defining and maintaining a healthy boundary. It is really good to practice that when things are calm because it is much harder to do when emotionally dysregulated because of fear. If you can make them a habit, it is much easier because you don't have to stop and think about it. We have a good article on Setting Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) that can help you gain a better understanding.

Wellll The waiting thing was kinda for me. I knew the conversation could keep going the rate we were exchanging messages, but I wanted to hear his voice. And since he was the one who mentioned calling, I wanted him to actually follow through. The last two days (Fri and Sat) he had promised he would call at night and neither night did he actually call.

This was very important to me. I wanted to see him trying in anyway to reach out for me.

Of course it was for you! All boundaries are for the person defining them. They have nothing to do with the other person. We have them to protect ourselves, not to control or manipulate the other person or situation.

I guess he has made me feel I am so controlling that I dont quite see the fine line between setting and enforcing boundaries and controlling to manipulating to get the desired response.

Here are some Examples of Good Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368) that may help.

Now, I will admit that if your sole purpose in making him wait to talk to you was as a punishment or to force him to do something, that would be wrong and would be manipulative. That would be different from a boundary.

Ahhh. I see. I have some reading to do. Thank you!


So He told me lastnight on the phone that he wanted us to start talking to eachother this morning, but I dont know if I should go to him, or let him come to me since he is the one who decided not to talk in the first place? I havent heard from him all day and I know he has been up and about for a while because of the movement of his phone. Snapchat shows his location on a map.

Don't get caught up in the trap of trying to manipulate the situation by who should do what and when. That can cause a lot of problems.

You have a life outside of him (at least you should!) and that's what needs to dictate. If you have time and want to say hello, then you should. If you don't have time, you should not reschedule your life just for that.

Now, that doesn't mean smothering him with 10,000 text messages per day either. You really should be too busy for that anyway. Doing interesting things and having stuff to talk about is attractive after all.

The other part about all of that is that you do not want to have any expectations about the conversation. If he isn't available right then or doesn't instantly respond, then you shouldn't let it bother you. You should have other things to do rather than sitting there waiting for him. It really shouldn't matter if he doesn't respond instantly because you should have your own life outside of him.

(Have I repeated the last sentence enough yet?)

I dont mean to be a bother.  Some time reinforcement helps me alot. But with texting him, its different. He used to always say I was texting him to much. Like I would always text him and Snapchat him and he wouldnt respond at all sometimes, and that would upset me. Or he would be in the application on his phone, (snapchat) and put something on his story, or snap someone else,  but not open or respond to mine. That bothers me. I guess the way I see it, if you have time to be on your phone,  you should have time to send a quick 3 second reply.

Also I hate it when people make shallow promises. Dont tell me youre gonna do something then not do it. I know he didnt forget about me, because when he picked up his phone in the morning before he walked out the door, it had a notification on the screen from me. But he's always been really bad about reading and replying.

Right now with the way things are, so delicate, I dont want to rub him the wrong way, and push him further away. Im trying to slowly allow his hook to float back in, with out me touching the pole, ya know what I mean? I just dont know how to do that. Ive always been kinda obsessive. 

This sounds like the perfect time for you to work on being less obsessive.  :)

If you choose to look at it this way, he is giving you a gift right now. He is giving you time to learn and adjust some of your own behaviors and tools into healthier ones. When you start to Understand your role in the relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704925#msg12704925) it is easier to accomplish.

For instance, your self-admitted obsessiveness has caused problems based on what you've written. During this time apart, is a great time to figure out what's behind your obsessiveness and begin to work on that issue. It's not a change that you ever have to mention to him either. It's one that he will be able to see because the dynamic between the two of you will change.

Yes, it takes two people to make a relationship work, but it only takes one to change the dynamic. That is completely within your power.

from one kinda obsessive person to another  :), i can relate to this:


thing is, we can run into the trap of believing others feel or experience things in the same way that we do. i know it felt smothering for me when my partner demanded all of my time and attention. its not a healthy dynamic for either party, because one begins to feel theyre losing their sense of healthy independence. that builds resentment, and then both partners resent each other, one party pushes, the other pulls, they switch it around, etc.

point being, to piggyback on what Meili said, i think it would look mighty attractive and be in your best interest to show a change here. it wont be easy, and if, worst case scenario, you dont hear from him, its more than okay to feel angry about that and take it personally, or be upset about it; dont act on it though. if you do that, ill bet the feelings eventually subside and are replaced by feelings of strength. you can let it all out here, too. this is a safe place, we are listening, and will help work through it.

This afternoon I took our dogs to the vet to get their nails clipped, and I sent him two snapchats. (Both of and about dogs) nothing like personal or relationship related. He still hasnt opened either one. Now remember, he has two phones now. The one I got for him a long time ago, and the one his mom recently got for him after our break up.

Last night he called me from the new device. I have been so strong and didnt text him or call him or even snapchat him (until the vet) on either device.

Because of my obsession I keep looking at his location, on both devices. The phone he had from me stayed at his sisters appt all day. The other device he carried with him today as he went out and was driving around LA. It kinda looked like he was driving in a giant circle, but thats neither here nor there. NC from him all day.

Once he got home, he texted me from the old phone. Nothing but business. Talking about needing an account number for one of our utilities to remove his name. He told me he had already requested papers from another to have it switched to my name, and he told me they would be coming in the mail. He asked I sign his name for him, in his absence.

It feels like today he is cutting ties. But lastnight we laughed and cried together on the phone. We told each other we loved each other. He told me how much he missed me and that he wishes this wasnt happening.

During this texting discussion, I asked if I could call him to discuss the utilities. I honestly dont feel comfortable signing them for him. He said that he was in the car with his sister and her room mate, and asked if I could talk later. I said yeah thats fine. But that was 15 min ago, and neither of his phones have left her apartment complex. and he is still texting me. So I know he has them with him. Which means hes lying. and of course, the old me is screaming right now to confront it. But I know for a fact that will just push him away. I know that this is unhealthy obsessive behavor. But I cant seem to shake it. I cant seem to stop focusing on him. I tried to make plans with other friends tonight but no one can do anthing for the next few hours. Its raining, so im stuck inside. I tried watching tv, that just made me bored.

As im writing this he is still texting me... .Im being bad i think... .(Due to the lack of communication today I feel like he doesnt really want to talk to me or be my friend like he said he did last night) I asked him If i could ask him a question, but i was worried he would get upset. He told me to ask it. I changed my mind becuase I know it is a bad Idea to ask him this. He insisted I tell him. So I just did. I said "I was gonna ask about how last night you said you wanted us to start talking. I want to make sure thats something you actually want. Becuase if I get my hopes up, excited about having you back as my firend, im worried im gonna get let down if you dont actually want to. I want you to be happy, but I gotta look out for myself more now too"

getting more and more nervious while waiting on his reply, I texted him again- "But we dont have to talk about it ok? If we're gonna talk i want you to be in a comfortable conversation.  like about your day! Hows it been? What have you been up to?(: "

Im gonna step away from my phone now so I can stop making these same mistakes. - I keep checking to see when or if he even leaves her apartment. (Which he hasnt)

He responded... ."My day has been okay  how about yours?" ... I guess that answers that question that he doesnt want to talk about it. But Im still left with the question of weather or not he actually wants to talk to me. I hate being this obsessed with him. I hate feeling like every word I say is just gonna push him further away. I hate that he isnt ready to come home yet... and it doesnt seem like he ever will... .I just keep waiting for this huge episode to stop, him to snap back and decide to come home... .The more time goes on the more I dont think thats gonna happen. and I honestly think im refusing to accept it... .I know thats bad. I know I need to... .I just... .idk. I dont know how to. He is sending me mixed signals. So sometimes I have such high hopes then a few min later he will be serious about this and throw my hopes down the drain.