BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I have been reading your articles and writings on BPD. Me and my fiance, or ex... I guess now have had a rough go at things, I love her she says she loves me but has the terrible working of a person going through hell/BPD. I'm reaching out just to see advice... to see if anything at all can be done to save and push my fiance to go to medicine and therapy. Every time she was on meds for this, everything was more calm and she had a fuse, but every single time she stopped taking the meds things would hit the fan and everything would quickly burn down... we have separated numerous times, recently ho back together and separated again 2 weeks after that. It seems like the rage phase was over but then she had some big issues with her daughters dad and lost it, told me I wasn't listening to her feelings and told me she can't speak her mind or have her feelings be heard... which is no where near the truth. Seems like everything I do only damages things, when I try to be as soft and gentle as possible it's almost like she thinks I'm being manipulative and cunning trying to sneak something past her... it's very strange and hurtful because I just want to be loved like I've loved her through her very worst... and I'm not. Going through the discarding phase and being told that there is more toxic than not... which I understand there is definitely. Toxicity at some point but it's usually us arguing and not coming to an agreement that is what she wants, or agrees to. and on top of that, we do get along and go do things together but it's been so very hard trying to build and, when everything, anything can destroy the whole day... reaching out, like I said hoping for advice and tips, or just some kind words from similar people/situations.

*welcome*

Welcome!

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. We have been in a similar situation to you. From what you have said I think you belong here;  you will fit in. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

Pushing her to go to therapy and take meds may be futile. None of us can control the actions of another, so the best thing that we can do is focus on what we have control over: our own actions.

There is a lot of information on this site that will help you achieve your goal. Learning healthier ways to communicate, not invalidate her, and ending conflict are the best places to start.

It sounds like she gave you some great information when she told you that she doesn't feel heard. That gives you a place to start and work from to help resolve some of the conflict.

To be sure, a relationship with a disordered person is hard, but not impossible. The non in the relationship has to be the emotionally strong one. What do you think is the right direction for you, and the best kind of help you hope to get here?

What aspects of her behavior do you find most difficult to deal with?

Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

I'm new to this group and I don't know what help I can offer. We both sound the same and we are seeking support and looking for answers. Firs thing though is don't try to understand anything BPD's do. You will wrack your brain and drive yourself crazy. Educate yourself as much as you can about the disorder. I am beginning to dive in deeper with this because I think it's the only way our brain can process and make sense of it. WE are going to have to be the ones who give in most of the time and do more of the changing at least until our partners get help and put in the work they need to. Getting them into treatment won't be easy and I have been trying for almost 2 years now. Keep at it, if this something truly you want to live with. That's the best advice I can give for now. I know what it's like to love someone that much. Good luck!