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I knew eventually I would have to as he keeps skipping my box.

So today  did what I always used to do when flagging him down

 Wasn't sure if he would ignore me or what

Me. Hey can you take these
Him: thru what sounded like gritted teeth... .um hum
Me: can u please make sure u check for my out goings
Again he replied the same
Me: everything going ok with you?
Him:  um hm
Me. Very well then.


Since I spoke with his colleague I know he's not ok... .  in my own small way I used that opening to ask him... .and also let him know I hold no grudges without coming out and saying it

I assume he got his firearms back... .and the reports he is not doing well are a tad troubling... .the way he was today with me also alarming ... .he's def struggling.     I know I can't help him as I got burned trying ... .  but if he is BPD and struggling... .maybe it helped a tad today I dunno.
I know he once said he would be haunted by what he did to me for life ... .

It's possible I've been painted black ... .all I want is my mail picked up like he used to do and if he hates me that much he needs to leave the route.   

He's not the same guy he once was... .I wish someone would intervene ... I sure tried.

I feel pretty good about it... .I feel like I'm in a better place   

Hey! You handled your end of the conversation really good! Sounds like you grew stronger, and now realize you deserve better. Voluntarily holding up someone's mail by a postal worker may result in a federal offense and firing. You are painted black. Please tread very carefully if his firearms have been returned to him, and his behavior seems to be regressive. If you report the real reasons for holding up your mail, he may receive a serious reprimand, or worse. Can you speak with the people who were affiliated with your restraining order? Can a therapist get you a referral to free legal advice? I would evaluate this situation, and his precarious mental condition, very carefully before I act by getting all of the advice I can get. Also, I would temporarily rent a PO Box at my local post office asap until I felt secure this issue was resolved.

Thanks Glenn,  I remember the days I wasn't too fond of the truth behind your replies . But now  thank you.
It's odd really last week I was really struggle as I was getting an intense vibe something was not ok with my x... I almost reached out... .

My post over the weekend and the conversation I had with his coworker really helped with the closure ... .knowing for sure this was not me, knowing he too sees his decline.
I have no counsilor right now, but even they and their legal team were baffled he was not removed.

The PO box wouldn't help with getting the outgoing mail picked up and I only called once thus far and that was handled well... but I was told he was not even working that day.   And I only called because I wasn't sure if my mail pick up was flagged in their system.   I avoid reporting Any of them unless it's something over the top crazy because for the most part they are decent at what they do. If anything over the years I have complimented them   Actually only reported the x when he crossed in front of my car

I guess I have been painted black... .although I know he started it all with the RO, he clearly views things differently, so his lie about dumping me due to low self esteem in court was prob a ploy.
But even his coworker was ignored when he asked if he was ok... .this guy mentioned twice to me he's very concerned about him. 

It's as if nothing has changed he's still slipping

I will think on it but if in passing I see the coworker again I may say I also notice he is just not normal and does management notice this as well ...
I know they can refer to a psych eval as my x mentioned it a few times.
So why they have not I have no clue .
I should have asked that guy what he was doing that made him say he wasn't ok.   
As you may recall I tried getting him removed from this route ... and that fell on deaf ears so to speak.
I don't fear him... and we shall see if he starts looking for my outgoing mail. 

It's just so odd the once flirty , fun person is gone ... and from what was relayed to me that person has not been around for awhile.   

Of course he could have been very medicated today... .I never see him talking to anyone at all like he used to either ... .def going down hill

My biggest fear and this maybe nothing is him having a total break and going on a shooting thing at his office.
I'm working on getting a door bell camera just to be safe.   

Now I don't think I'm BPD or NPD but my grandpop died and we broke up within 1 month of each other. It took me from January until about June to actually start being myself at work again or around others. That's a verrryyyyyy long time to keep to myself and not really be who I am. I feel like maybe he's going downhill because he is wrestling with the painful emotions of shame, guilt, pain etc. It's what I was struggling with. I didn't want to put on a happy face.

And this is just a random thought. I am in no way saying I'm correct on what I'm about to say. But if I was in your situation a part of me would be doing this because I would want to break the contact and reach out for my own "fix" and not necessarily because all I was thinking about whether my ex was in a good head space or not. It seemed like he was perfectly content with going about the rest of his life like you never existed. Again, maybe all the shame and guilt is why he would do that. So I ask out of genuine concern and care whether some of these thoughts about his well being were really just rationalizations to speak to him and see where he is at in his views towards you?

Hey there Roberto! Thanks for your insight.  I agree I was not myself for quite sometime after the breakup and I worked hard to get to the place I am now... .it's not how I was pre relationship... I believe it's better than I once was.  I'm not sure if he's going thru similar ... I have no clue. 

My concern for him : when I wanted to reach out when I felt the vibe it was partially to try and get closure of some sort ... .but I really felt something just was not right...   I even thought of apologizing , which I will not do ever.  I wanted to just have a peace between us just in case I was the reason I noticed he was looking off to me. A peace atleast with the business of the mail. 

When the coworker confirmed it... it hurt I couldn't reach out and know now I cannot... .did all I could to try and help him during the relationship


All I know is if other are noticing he is bad that's not good... he would pride himself on being a different person in uniform

It's odd that the closure came from a source I could have talked to for the past months... .and it wasn't even the small pieces about my x... .it was the shame of the RO all that caused me... the shame of feeling like I was some horrid person. I of course knew I am not... but having s RO on you And having your x parade in front of you five days a week... does something to your self esteem. Hearing some compassion really helped free me.  All along I thought it was my x I was missing, but it was myself, my right to get mail and everything I felt was taken from me... .someone else seeing he is not acting normal also helped to realize I can't take all the blame anymore. 

Thanks for giving me something to think on, it's been an interesting last three days.
I don't feel good knowing he is doing awful... .I hate it in fact... .in away today in my own mind I made peace so incase he gets suicidal I won't have that horrible guilt but hopefully his work jumps in before things get worse.   

I've been thinking about this today... .when he broke up with me he said he has no feelings for me or anyone and can't connect with people.  Then a few days later in text said he still feels for me... wanted to go in peace and then took out the RO anyway.
When I first met him, he was very shy and standoffish but over the years with me atleast he was outgoing and flirty most of the time . 
As we stood there yesterday so much could have been said ... I had practiced that over and over for months ... .until I heard he's doing so poorly... and then it was words better left unsaid ... .best to just let him know in my own way I have no grudge
I guess my question is do BPD feel remorse Even if we are painted black?  And if so why not just apologize

I think there might be something to this. We were on a way to a 2nd recycle and she kept backing out wanting to get together. She said we was too anxious. A part of that could have been me as the embodiment of the guilt and shame she didn't want to feel for how she treated me. Probably not conscious thoughts. But maybe

 Very interesting as my x would say he felt very anxious and we were not good for each other as all he does is hurt me without trying  i.e. Hurt was me mentioning any slight via text. 
After one of the mini breakups he msg me how horrible he felt and it was the worst he could have done . But a text I sent had him in a mood all day.

Could it be possible what his attorney told me was fact and he really did feel terrible... .maybe he still does.

I guess after all this time ... four months I would think he would be bouncing around these streets being back to the person he once was... . 
unless the RO got him into bigger trouble than I thought ... .
I briefly checked his social media, not to stalk, but to gauge his mental status... it's where he is his female persona... looks like he's been active... so he can't be that bad off... .I suppose. 

I have to say I'm still stunned he's doing so poorly ... .I guess he quit therapy ... I dunno as he won't even converse with me , other than thru clenched teeth. 
Like I've said I knew him for four years and he sometimes would be quiet , but not like this and I never was told others were concerned for him. 
Hopefully whatever is bothering him he will work thru it or maybe someonelse can get him the help he really needs.
I read on these boards how others xs are out with new people, and moving on... .my x seems different.   It's odd really
All I do know is that I'm at a much better place right now and for that I'm thankful because my focus is more on myself and for that I'm not trying to be his caretaker

I just wanted to comment on your post. It just occurred to me. I'm absolutely floored that someone could care so much for someone who may have been a player in a relationship that caused a lot of pain.

When I was begging for her back I had given her space and then asked if she wanted to spend time together on a Friday night just to have some fun and see each other again after a month and a half. She told me "no. I don't want to." Then she asked if I was talking to people from work about us. I said no. Then she said "Well someone called my coworker to say you are terribly depressed. I can't take this. It's now effecting me at work. You need to get over this."

I still remember that pain. After trying to bridge a connection to her again I was chastized for feeling my heartache and pain and not being able to get over it. The fact that you type here genuinely concerned about his well being shows that you are a pretty gosh darn good human being.

That's all I got. It gives me hope for this very messed up world we live in.

Thank you Roberto that means a lot to me and that goes right back at you as well.
We still care because we are decent people... it's sad we appear to be so rare .

Thanks for snapping me back to reality too as  too would reach out to my x at times and see if he wanted to go out.,this was usually after he dumped me and we got back or once was when he said  sent mean texts ... I remember one time he declined and said he had much to do and another time reluctantly said ok and then said he was getting off the phone to flip out and the. Would be over.  It stung as I think he sat online most of the time in his fake world.

I care because I always did... the not so healthy me formed an attachment from him since the day we met and I felt like he was like myself... .he of course is not... but I always used to go out of my way to speak to him as I thought he was just shy and would got to know each other slowly and believe me that was not at all easy,,,... he is shy but I didn't realize he was hiding so much .   
Now I know not to reach out to people like him and just focus on myself.

I care more than he ever realized or could realize and that's the sad fact... .I said many mean things,,stood up to the RO   But as you and I talked about we reached our breaking points,

Thanks again for the compliment

Just using this thread to vent ... today I'm decluttering clothes yo donate in my porch, thinking I had a few hours before the x delivers... .I had outgoing and a storm was heading in... .I look up and there he is walking towards my house... .
I dint realize I would have a box delivered today... .so doesn't the x put it halfway in and out of the door like wth... .so basically if I wasn't home it would be soaked... couldn't even had it to me...

So I give him my outgoing and politely thank hims and he says nada

That's all fine and good say nothing, but I sure hope he won't be leaving my packages to get soaked in the rain if I'm not around.

And what did I do that was so horrific that he can't even utter a word... .or we can't say hey where should I place mail etc ... .
I will just ask the other guy

I guess this is what his coworker meant by him being worried about his behaviour ... .to me it's just obnoxious ... .and believe me I so did not want a run in with him today ... .it's what I tried to tell the postal service and the courts there is no predicting his schedule ... .

Paint me black, be a coward
I know who I am and I'm being the better person ... .
I know one thing first time a package gets wet I'm reporting it ... .
this is the real him a miserable horrible person

There is something really off about my x ... it's the whole way he's carrying himself when walking... .it's either bad medication or he's off the deep end... .just saw him walk by again ... and yea it's really disturbing
I can't reach out of course ... but hoping someone notices how odd this is.  I never see him speaking to anyone ... no laughing like he was a few months back

And I doubt this is all about me.  Just shows though I'm not to blame for all of what happened and there is no peace to be made with someone this unstable.