BPDFamily.com

Hello Again,
I am back in the saddle and at status quo, my BPD explained to me what it was I did that was so offensive and the behavior that could end our relationship and I swear as many times as he claims he has explained what it is I do - I do not quite understand what the behavior is.  I think the simplest version is never change plans and keep things really simple.  How do you ever explain to the outside world being in love with someone that says and does such mean and outlandish things then does the sweetest and most loving gestures.

I just wonder then for those of us who are choosing these relationships - it would be great to develop tools on how to best cope when we are in that place and feeling that anxiety of breaking up and also another part is, at least for me, I consider myself a communicator and that part of me has been shut down because I simply cannot communicate with this man honestly.  Right?  Can anyone out there communicate honestly with a BPD?

So appreciate your responses and words and hope for the best for us both! I am SO in love with this guy.  Crazy:)
 

It might help to spend time working here on the "Improving Board" to learn tools for supporting the re;ationship and ways to cope when things take a downswing... .

Most relationships have a theme of continuing conflict - what is it for your relationship?

Hey fellow communicator!  I'm from the South... .and even down here people around FF say... "that fellow can talk... ."  My bachelors degree was in (wait for it... .yep... you guessed it) communications and for most of my Navy career I flew a plane (E-2C Hawkeye) that, among other things, was in charge of making sure thousands of people were communicating properly to carry out the assigned mission.

Let's just say I was proud of my ability to communicate (although I'm sure you didn't pick up on that before now... .) 

Then... I met BPD.  Very humbling... .challenging... .and still a work in progress. 

I'm going to challenge you to think of this as learning a foreign language.  While on the surface it may appear pwBPD speak our language, the "rules" of their language are very different. 

I would also challenge to you examine what "honest communication" looks like to you.

If it means saying exactly what you feel and think in any given moment.  A relationship/communication with a pwBPD is NOT going to work out well.

If you are able to take time to reflect on what "you really want them to understand" and also take time to think about "how best to say this", then... .perhaps... .you can "honestly" communicate with your pwBPD.

Thoughts?

FF

I have been offline for sometime but want to respond to communicator.  I love the idea of seeing this as a new language and I have been so willing to try and to that and can use improvement, but lately, that combined with everything needing to be on his terms, his way, about him does not fit with the things I tell myself to keep doing in an effort to make this relationship work.  I am really drained by it right now. I am not sure I can handle entering the ring with him as often as he wants to.

Glad to see you back posting again.

Can you give a recent "he said she said" example of "everything on his terms" and how you responded to that?  That will help us have context and give you better advice.

Let's stick with communication... .language matters.  Language many times "reflects" mindset.  Mindset is very close to "attitude".  pwBPD can "sense" a persons attitude.  Many times they are oversensitive.

I'm going to guess that you often "present" the attitude of being ready to fight, when you talk to you pwBPD.  After all... .what else do you "get in the ring" to do?

My point is NOT that "being friendlier" will fix everything.  I assure you it will help. 

Thoughts?

FF