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((My son is estranged from all of his family and most of his friends because of his uBPD wife.))  Though they were supposed to work together, now they only see one another in passing, occasionally. His wife told anyone who knew us both to not talk to me and who knows what else. Now he feels that something is not right and wants to talk with me.

So,... .do I tell him my suspicions about BPD, and co-dependency--- which is the only explanation that makes any sense at all?  I've read to never do this, but it is so strange that I don't think he will understand what happened if I don't.

As of now, I think I will at least ask him to not confront them; to be nothing but encouraging to my son. To not try to get to the bottom of it. From what I have read here, it seems what my son needs someone to give him a sense of who he used to be, who thinks and speaks encouragingly. Someone who can break him out of the FOG (to say the least) that he is in. What wisdom do you have before this important conversation?

Welcome Whiplashed_mom!  

Thank you for posting and sharing some of your concerns. It sounds as if you are taking advantage of reading and gleaning information while you are here and that is awesome.  |iiii There is a lot of excellent material here and much to absorb. I'm really glad you've joined our online family.


This is a tough question to answer and often one that is going to be unique for each situation. My general observation is that until a person is open and ready to hear words of wisdom, we can be speaking to the wind for all the good that it does. In our anxiousness to fix things, we often offer what we feel will help but when the other person isn't open and ready, it will not have the hoped for outcome. Feel out the conversation as to where it is going and do a lot of listening would be my suggestion.

How soon will you be meeting with your son's best friend?

Wools

I agree with Woolspinner. As much as you wish to shed light on this situation, this kind of information can backfire. I would remain open to meet with the friend, but for the first meeting, I think I would focus on listening to the friend's perspective, being supportive of the friend's feelings and leaving the door open for a later meeting. What you are doing is opening an opportunity for a relationship ( for lack of a better word) with the friend and seeing what kind of connection may or may not evolve from that.

The reason I am cautious is because of the tendency for triangulation /drama triangle in any situation where someone with a disorder is involved. The two of you discussing your son is potential triangulation. However, listening to the friend's perspective about your son is not- that is just you listening to him.

My mother has BPD and tends to see people as being on "her side" or not her side. Triangulation and the drama triangle are a common pattern with her relationships. I have been her "black" child in the family. I am now myself a middle age mother and she is an elderly widow.

Her relationship with me is complicated as she does want a relationship with me ( of some sorts) and also with her grandchildren. Yet, when she is angry at me, she paints me black to her relatives and tells them not to speak to me. ( they comply). This has resulted in my being alienated from them.

Recently, one of them contacted me after many years. I was both happy to hear from him and apprehensive. I didn't know if he was being put up to it by her, or was truly wanting to reconnect. I also didn't know if he figured out that something was up with her, or not.

As much as I was tempted to tell him about my mother's BPD ( he thinks she is fine as far as I know), I resisted as I don't know if he is ready or interested in that information. However, I wanted to keep the door open between us. We have had some casual discussions - nothing major- yet. But because of these, I think he is getting to know me as who I am, not what my mother says about me.

Your relationships with the people involved are a bit different- but the relationship dynamics between adults aren't much different. You are surely happy to be connected to your son's friend. I think meeting, listening, being compassionate to his point of view are a good step. The door is then open to more discussion if it is going to happen later. Of course, if he volunteers the information, you could validate that, but I would remain aware of any potential triangulation.

I agree with the advice to the friend to not confront the son. This has the potential to play out according to the drama triangle. This is the situation that I experienced with my parents.

My mother sees things from "Victim" perspective ( and I think this is the perspective of pwBPD). My father was her Rescuer. I naively confronted my father many times- assuming that I was speaking to him as an individual. It seems that what I said to him was shared with my mother. She read his e mails and listened in on our phone calls.

If my mother was angry at me, she would take Victim perspective, ( I would be Persecutor to her) and my father would "rescue" her from me. The two of them would bond closely together. Although they had their own difficulties between them, they seemed to get along better if they were united against a common "Persecutor" so the drama triangle seemed to be something that stabilized them at the moment.

So what to do if the friend asks directly why you are estranged?

I think honesty and being authentic is important, but to not take "Victim " perspective i.e." His wife did this to me, she has BPD" or make her the bad guy.

In these kinds of situations, I think it helps to focus on "I" statements and how you feel.

Why are the two of you estranged?

" I don't think I know exactly why, but it makes me sad. I love my son and would want to see him and speak to him anytime".

" this situation was not my choice ( notice the focus on my choice, not his choice). I would welcome the change to speak to him if he wishes to contact me".

" I love him very much and think about him all the time".

I'm getting ready to call him, now. 

Been following along, good luck with your call.  

Panda39

I guess I should have mentioned that I made up the name for the best friend. I put it in because using all pronouns was too confusing. It's even more confusing, now that it's been edited. Some she-s should be he-s.

We had a good talk. He mostly listened and had little to say about any of *my* questions, so I did most of the talking. He seemed to be weighing what I said against a lot of confusing information that he has heard from others. He was sympathetic. Not sure he knew what to make of it. I mentioned 'co-dependency' and that I had read articles. He is wanting more info. on that.