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Today has been a difficult day, it's been a year now that my wife and i have been apart. She has completely split me black and wants absolutely no contact and even has made false allegations to the police. From doing some reading i know that we were totally enmeshed in a unhealthy way and i became isolated due to her manipulation of my family and friends. The sad thing is i still miss this person, and when she was in her normal states we were each others best friend, but inevitably she would get triggered and her BPD traits would come out. She has been another man since December and i know that she would not be able to keep up the perfect person act this long. I guess what i want know is would she be starting to show her true colors to this new guy by now? Do they ever realize what they have done to the previous person? do they completely split you black permanently or due try to reengage again at later date? I feel stuck.       

I'm sorry Klass. I'm less than a year out but I can imagine the bad anniversary dates like those are going to be really hard. Some have been hard for me already. Anyway, I can only give my experience based off this current ex and one from 5 years ago.

The ex from 5 years ago never gave me much of an apology or insight into what she did to hurt me. I don't think I'm split black from her but I never heard from her again once she told me the child she was carrying was my replacements and not mine. That was it. 5 years ago.

This recent one I have not reached out to for just about 6 weeks now. I am 100% certain I will never hear back from her either. I think the recent one went back and forth with feeling some guilt and shame but always went back to anger at me. I guess I did the same to an extent but now I don't necessarily hate her. Some parts I get mad about for reasons we don't have to go into.

I understand the confusion. I guess all my ramblings could have a point in the fact that, 5 years after my first ex, I don't have any thoughts or reminescing about wanting to be with her. If I think real long and hard about it I will smile at some of our good times and the fun we had. But it's a distant memory.

Now I guess the important thing is to learn this time. I was aware somewhat because my first ex I dove right in. This one I was much more cautious and hesitant at first. It just didn't seem right to me. I would suggest you continue to do the same.

Time will make all memories very distant and unimportant over time. I think the key is to learn from it all instead of just waiting for time to make it stop. Or else we all risk pulling a me and getting into back to back serious relationships with BPD/npd trait individuals.

I've read here where people have been contacted 3-4-5-6 months out etc. Then some, like my first ex and what I will experience from this ex, will be never hearing from them ever again. I guess it is all different.

A part of me feels, because I know I would feel it too, that the anniversary date has kicked up a lot of memories which have led to the not so amazing feelings? Just remember that our memories are really great at reactivating old neural connections in the brain. So what you are going through is completely normal. You did well to share here. Maybe one day you will look back on that date as your independence day. But it's okay to be sad about this. You loved someone with your whole heart. You got support here.

hey Klassenburg,

roberto gave you some great advice here:


time helps the pain stop, it wont necessarily "heal all wounds".

you know your ex better than we do, and unfortunately we arent privy to her relationship or how it will play out, but these are common questions to the grieving process nonetheless. there just isnt necessarily a yes or no answer.

i noticed you mentioned feeling isolated from family and friends. have you reached out to them? are you seeing a therapist to help process what you feel stuck with?

weve all been stuck at some point in our journeys. we can help.