BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

My ex BPDgf broke up with me exactly 2 weeks ago over the phone. We had been together for over a year and moved in with each other. It obviously left me devastated. I had initially broken up with her, but she begged me not do so. I agreed to continue the relationship.

But after she decided to see a therapist for her anger management issues, she was advised by the therapist to break up with me because I was the trigger for her angry and the nasty things she was doing to me. She then blocked all forms of communication for a week before contacting me again and hoping that we could still be good friends. The tone from her texts different though, I can tell.  

Long story short, I sent her a farewell email yesterday with all my feelings about the entire relationship included inside. She replied saying that she was very appreciative of the letter/email that I had sent. She was sorry for all the pain that she had caused and she did not mean them. Lastly, she hoped for me to move on and find someone better than her.

Why would she wish for me to move on, would that not go against a 'real or perceived' final abandonment from me?
Opinions from both non and BPDs are welcomed.

Hey Kropek, Rather than speculate on her motives, it might be more fruitful for you to figure out what you would really like to see happen.  Are you hoping to get back together?  Are you ready to move on after sending your farewell email?  I am unsure where this is headed.  The ball is in your court, so-to-speak, as to what is the best path for you.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

Yes. The farewell email did help me quite a lot yesterday. But fast forward, a day later I feel terrible for sending it. Because after I sent the email, I went full NC on her; all communications are shut off. I have stopped/blocked all communication. But she has not blocked me on WhatsApp, I can see that.  

She would like for us to be good friends despite everything that has happened. But I do not think that the email I sent provided the opportunity for us to remain as friends. Now I am afraid that I have sent her on the path of no return.

I would think that her response to the entire break up has been very cordial so to speak. Please advise

My x said similar to me about finding someone better and I deserved better then he took out a RO on me... .anything they say is in the moment.
A,so I'm not sure a therapist would say to do something... usually they guide but won't come out and say to do something... .so that maybe a bit skewed by her.

You do deserve better... .if you read my posts it's how ugly it can't get.

I was left devastated as well... but I'm much better now

So you are essentially saying that your BPDex really let you go after telling you to move on and find someone better? I m curious as to why this does not trigger their fear of final abandonment because you will be leaving for the last time in realty.

And did she actually try to contact you again or recycle? My ex has a habit of keeping in touch with exes.

Sorry if I have so many questions. It's just that I do not see this as a topical BPD sort of response. Based on what I have read, it's like they are pushing you away contrary to evidence read.

Fear of fire doesn't mean extinguishing every flame - its means living a life where fire is not likely to be be. Fear of abandonment is a kind of the same... .limit your exposure to things that can abandon and hurt you - when those things you take a chance on get risking, get away from them.

At 35,000 ft, your broke up, she went to a therapist and said the relationship was hurting here, he said let's not focus on the relationship, lets work on you. She said, lets be friends. OK.

As hard as this is, do you just want to give her space and see what happens next? If so, send her an apology for anything you said that was hurtful, tell her you are very supportive of her seeing a therapists, no hard feelings and you will respect her space.

Sit back and wait.

In the mean time, its a good time to post here and talk about what really makes sense for you. You broke-up - what was that all about?

Hi thanks for your reply.it really helped to clarify what FOA means.

I asked her before with regard to the therapist. She had gone there citing anger management poroblems. And she told him that seeing me, her Boyfriend was constantly making her angry. I created a lot of anger in her. And anger=abuse. So she abused me both verbally and physically.
She said that I was the only person that she treated so badly in comparison to her previous exes. But they were all LDR and only saw each person 3-4 months a year physically. The rest would be over the laptop or phone. I think that helped to creat the space preventing her fear of engulfment? I was the first to live with her per say and she always felt suffocated by me being in the same room for Long periods of time. Which is weird, because when I wanted to leave. She would stop me.

Sitting back and waiting is something I could do. But I'll be looking out for other potential partners as well. Like I am sure she is doing right now or has already done so.

I initiated break up because I was getting frankly quite exhausted. One year and two holidays within 5ft of other. I could not prevent every mine from detonating, there would always be 'one' that I missed.

When I say apologize and give her space, I only mean that. That will neutralize damage you are concerned that you caused.

I'm not suggesting that you put your life on hold and wait.


Maybe you should just go with her suggestion - let go of the relationship - but not be mad and go all "NC" on her.

Let her work on her life. You can work on yours. If either of you have a change of heart in a month, you can chat.

Therapy can be a good thing for the relationship. It could be a bad thing - it might just enable her misperceptions.

Yes and no... .in court they wanted the restraining order dropped and had their attorney send a verbal apology to me... .I didn't accept it as I was quit upset... .my x is my mail man and refuses to leave the route and either he or his boss are causing me some hassles right now. The temp order was lifted in July ... haven't heard a peep from my x .

I tried to reach out professionally to him and he kinda grunted... .his coworker told me he is not doing well at all... .
If in read between the lines it could be his boss knows my x is not well and is trying to prevent something, but the way it's being handled is hurtful... .because I just want to move on and forget the torment and torture of the last four months.

My x won't speak to me , I don't want to speak to him any longer as now I'm angry again that he has even screwed up my ability to get mail.

My x is different than most on here as he is a recluse , believes he should be alone for life and is empshed on a 2nd life game.
I've been painted black, I believe because I stood my ground and also because I reported he walked out in front of me... .
It's drama as now his work is involved ... .

Nothing they do really makes much sense ... .often the fear abandonment so just cut and run as they feel everyone leaves eventually .

Hey Kropek,
My ex wife (of a ten year relationship) told me "to move on" after deciding for us to split up. As she was leaving on a trip while I was selling our house, at the airport she said "you should move on", this hurt as all along I was trying and trying to fix our marriage, but she was set on destroying it. What I realised later was actually happening is that she had started a new relationship but did not tell me! Great!

Well fast forward two months later, after serious NC from me, she started to contact me crazily, she had "made a mistake, I was the greatest love of her life, she loved me so much, couldn't live without me," etc, etc, etc. This went on for a while as she begged me so see her again... .suddenly it was all great again, she wanted to start fresh again... .there you go. Hard to make sense of it all, how can you be the bad guy and then suddenly the greatest guy again, but my T was the one that enlightened me to BPD, I had no idea whom I was dealing with, I was convinced there was something wrong with me, as she kept telling me I was "too controlling, insecure, etc."

"Move on" may change drastically as time goes by, it won't make any sense, that is my experience... .

I decided to go all NC because that's the advise that most on the board would have reccommended in my position. If I had kept LC, which I did for couple of days. She did talk to me, but her answers were 'artificial' they did not reflect the tone that she used to use with me. Not even close. It hurt a lot.
Adding this to the fact, if I actually see her replacement, it might actually rip my heart out again. I don't know if I can actually go through something like that again.

 I will be going back to college in a couple of months so the chances of me meeting her again willl he high. I mean with a little bit of work on my part I could still enforce full NC and disappear from her life. Or to maintain a LC, at the risk that I might go mad if I see that she has changed to someone I no longer recognise.

And why would she not block me on WhatsApp even though I have done it to her? She can be quite a tic for tac sort of person.

That is the conflict that I have with myself. I sent the farewell email thinking that it would make me feel better about the entire situation. Whereas now I feel absolutely terrible and helped her to paint me black as well also I feel that she is honestly happy that she can be rid of a 'burden' now, since I am no longer in her life.

I mean if I was really that much a 'burden' to be set free, why did she have to bring me along for a ride for such  a Long time? My heart is wreaked every morning when I realise the reality of the situation. I feel like sleeping is the only reprieve I have from what's actually happening.

Raul I am so sorry to hear of what's happened to you. Sometimes I cannot imagine if I had actually married her, with the stakes so high. I certainly wouldn't know what to do if she would keep pulling her BPD stunts on me every single day when I am home.

My BPDex also called me too controlling, in reality I was very nice and let her go out every weekend; even without me. At the same time before I spoke to a therapist, I was convinced that it was me who was the problem in the relationship and that I had a lot to improve on.

Also did your ex Wife leave any lines of communication open for you? Mine has chosen not to block me on WhatsApp even though I have done so to her. Also I assume that you did not go back to her when I asked you to? Thanks

Hey Kropek,
After she begged me for days just to have a cup of coffee I did meet with her. My T at the same time was telling me that I could meet her but to be cool and a tad detached and not go for a drink. Well the meeting was overwhelming to say the least. She saw me and hugged me for fifteen minutes straight crying uncontrollably! We talked she was so sorry for everything. I ended up seduced right there and then, and did all the things my T told me not do, we had drinks, cuddle all day and ended up in a hotel all night long! But a few days later she started going back to the old ways again, looking for arguments, etc... .after a week or so I decided to go NC again. Then I started to receive random texts stating that she couldn't move on now, she loved me too much. I kept fairly distant. Later I also got a call at 4am crying uncontrollably again, she missed me too much she said, then later texts asking for us to start again, a "fresh start."

Well I am now in a position where upon I have slowly regained quite a lot of self esteem, I now understand that it wasn't really my fault, it was the way things were going to end up with a BPD partner, I couldn't fix anything really. So I have stayed away and have slowly developed my own life. I am involved in my things and I am living my life away from the turmoil. I do miss her and I miss our life but I can also see that it wasn't really that good for me. I was the husband, father, lover, protector, rescuer, financial provider, cook, you name it. That was my role, what did I get or what was I getting out of this? Not a lot really. I was the rescuer and my role was defined as such from the beginning I think now.

But I put up with it. I was going to be with her forever, that was my plan. I never envisage betraying her with someone else, ever, I just was not interested, my life revolved around her and her needs. In hindsight I was wrong and I ended up paying for it. I now think that I wasn't controlling at all, she ended up controlling me always. But you know and it has been the experience of most people in this forum that they put it on you, there is something wrong with you. I was also convinced that there was something wrong with me. No longer.

Now I feel so disappointed in her actions, as my T says "she bulldozed everything, it was just a little chapter in her life, she can come back from that easily in her mind." Problem is I can't, the loyalty and trust has gone, how can one start again? How can you forgive the unforgivable? I feel that it is too late, and it hurts as I was obsessed with her, but now I see the other side.