BPDFamily.com

I had probably the worse day in a very long time.  We had a all out fight yesterday too.  I had already been teetering on my breaking point and yesterday, everything came unglued. 

My idiot brother in law found condoms in the street and decided it was a bright idea to keep them.  So my SO finds the condoms stuffed into the passenger seat four days ago... you can already see where I'm going with this.  I find them in the car console and think he's cheating and stick them where he can see them.  Next thing I know, he's accusing me of cheating and I'm accusing him of cheating.  He's fighting words were, since I'm such a liar and always hide stuff, it is highly likely that I cheated on him... .  I may be a lot of things, but I'm no cheater.  So, I came unhinged.  I had.  Everything that I had been putting up with and keeping to myself, came out.  I know I did not handle it well at all, but I fell off the edge.  It ended up with him telling me to get out before he did something he regretted.  So I left and he started screaming where was I going, was I going to my bf's house, obviously I had somewhere to go.  Told him I was going to the beach you pompous ass, that's why we moved here... and left.  He came a few minutes in the car and made me get in.  So we go park at the beach and continue our fight there.  I get to the point where I just don't care anymore.  I'm exhausted, I've given up, he's still badgering me, making nasty remarks, etc.  And I'm just tired. 

We go home, he packs up my stuff and tells me when I get paid tomorrow to leave and go home to my parents.  I tell him I'm not ever going back to my parents.  Then we don't talk for a bit.  And I tell him to hold them baby so I can take a shower.  That pisses him off.  He tells me to get back in the car because he won't fight in front of the kids.  I said there is nothing left to say and it's over.  He keeps on repeating, get in the car.  I throw my shampoo and say fine.  We go back and park.  I break down and start crying.  Tell him everything I truly feel.  He yells so more etc.  This goes on for awhile.  Then we start to slowly talk normal.  By the time it's all said and done, we are on better terms.  The whole thing had gone on for hours though.  We're still mad at each other, but calmer.  After he comes home that night, we are doing better.

This morning, long story short, I didn't get the phone replaced that he smashed and instead went to Wal-Mart to put money on the card for a bill and picked up a couple things real quick before work. 
I get back... He asks how much my paycheck was, told him ($70 less that what I thought and had told him).  So gets mad about that.  Then when he asks how much money we have left (I was going to subtract how much after I paid the bill (that's not what he meant, he meant after groceries) so he got mad about that.  Then when he says why didn't you get the phone like we talked about, I said because I went to put money for a bill and didn't know the time.  That sets off another fight and I get upset because I thought I did good and snapped at him, so he yells.  Then says I do this on purpose to make him mad and get him to yell in front of the kids and make him out to be the monster.  Then when I stop arguing, he gets upset and says I do it on purpose because I like seeing him upset.  After he rants about that, to top it off, then he decides to attack the cheating topic.  I know when he gets like he was, there is absolutely no reasoning with him. 

He starts saying things like, you work at a hotel where it's rich old white dudes that hit on you, you do whatever you want, for every 10 guys you bang, I'm going to bang some woman (used explicit term), so it will level out, oh and the tied "nightie" (that is a shirt) he found was like that because it was stained with man stuff and I didn't want anyone to find it (blew my mind), and that he knew I was going to end up banging some guy and he knew I had been thinking about it (not true), if he bangs somebody, he's going to tell me just to piss me off and why would he need to sneak around when he'll just bring some woman (explicit term) home, and he's going to do whatever he wants.  Oh and why should he bother making plans with me anymore when I never do what I say I'm going too, even though he was supposed to get up and go with me and instead left me to take the kids by myself and apparently even when the kids are with me (which I thought I'd be safe) he still said that I could be banging someone in the Wal-Mart parking, and that women don't have to work for it, we just have to pull down our pants... .

I don't know where to even start.  I had also said I had issues with my body image and he thought it was because he said something and I said it has nothing to do with him.  Then he throws it in my face that I must be trying to look go for someone else, because it wasn't him because he never has said anything about the way I look... he hasn't said anything bad or good.  He never tells me I'm beautiful or pretty... or really compliments me about anything.  But it was about me and I say that's why I don't say certain things because of this... then he spins it that I'm blaming him and this is what he talked about yesterday and how I'm never going to change and it's a bunch of bs.

I'm tired.  What seemed yesterday to be epiphany yesterday, has been smashed into the ground today.  Because I didn't do one errand we had talked about and I didn't answer his questions in the proper manner.  Feeling hopeless and lost.  I'm not sure we'll ever recover from this.  He doesn't trust me one iota and after our nasty fight yesterday... .seems we're at ground zero.

I know it was a long post, but this is my only safe place to vent.  He's already stalked my fb and saw me talking to one friend.  Trying to stay positive, but it feels more and more like I'm losing ground.

Hey Frankee, for what it's worth, you're not alone. I, and I'm sure 100's of others here, lived a story very similar to yours. My x accused me of cheating with all sorts of women and for all sorts of other things. Everything felt like  a test. I had to learn to stop engaging with her when this happened.

The natural reaction is to JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). We think that if we can just say the right words that somehow it will make everything better. In reality, the opposite happens. When we start to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE), we invalidate the other person because we are, inadvertently, telling them that they are wrong.

Sure, my x was wrong when she accused me of cheating. Yes, I had every right to defend myself. But, because I wanted to make the relationship with her work, I had to learn to validate what she was actually telling me. She was actually telling me that she was afraid that she wasn't good enough for me and that I wanted someone else.

A lack of trust is at the heart of BPD. The pwBPD fears that we will ultimately abandon them. There is no way to explain away the distrust though.

I appreciate the response.  I too have seen the "JADE" thing not play out so well for me either.  He rages if he thinks I'm trying to justify my actions (which was quite often according to him) even when it was something as simple as telling him what I got at the grocery store... If that wasn't part of the question, he doesn't want to know... if I even tried to defend myself, he would outright say I was guilty.  So I have done my homework and why we do certain things as humans.  I really threw him for a loop when he accused me of doing something I didn't do.  I simply said "I didn't do that" and left alone.  He kept on about it and seemed confused on why I wasn't "defending or justifying" myself.  My response... I'm not going to defend myself for something I didn't do.  That seems to help dissipate the argument faster than if I try to argue about his absurd accusation. 

He does have serious trust and abandonment issues.  I try to watch what I do so I don't put imaginary thoughts into his head.  Sometimes what I think is absolutely innocent is misinterpreted as an elaborate scheme to screw with him on purpose or lie.  So it's a work in progress.

JADE'ing is a common problem. We did a Poll (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307516.0) not too long ago and learned that approximately 75% (86 out of 115 members who have participated so far) engaged in JADE'ing as an attempt to resolve conflict. I'd venture a guess that we've all learned that plan was doomed from the beginning. I think that it's great that you too have learned to just stop that practice in that it only serves to escalate the problem most of the time.

Watching what you do in an effort to reduce dysregulation is a hard place to live. There are times when it is appropriate to do so, and times when it just places unneeded stress and burden on you. The latter is usually the case it seems. Part of the problem with watching what you do (aka walking on eggshells) is that often times, the pwBPD is triggered by something that the non is unaware of that brings up something from the pwBPD's past. The pwBPD then responds to something that isn't occurring in the present. There is no way for us to guard against this.

The lesson on the The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0%3ball) might provide you with some additional tools to better manage the situation.

It is difficult.  Some days I sit there and ask myself "is it really supposed to be this hard?"  I hear about couples who flow and have a rhythm, just have free expression of themselves... I have to admit, I get jealous of that.  I took a peek at the Do's and Don'ts.  I have to admit, the first section really resonated with me.  There are times where I feel that I'm not going to make it and I can't keep doing it.  Somehow I find the ability to keep moving forward, sometimes I don't know how.  We communicate about the issue at times.  I can also see that he doesn't handle stress well.  Minor hiccups or detours from his plans, set him off on a tangent.  I'm the kind of person that can roll with the punches so to speak.  If something doesn't go as I planned, I adapt.  I make the best out of the new situation.  Sure I'll get upset, but I feel that throwing fits or getting angry and acting like my day is ruined, isn't productive.

In regards to being the emotional caretaker and personal health ... work in progress.  I do fall short on certain things.  That's really why I came here.  I needed an outlet.  I was tired of leaning on friends for emotional support.  They were great, but even I would get tired if my friend kept coming to me with relationship issues.  And here, I can just write my feelings and get it all out uninterrupted.  It has really helped mend my emotional wounds.  Being able to relate to people going through similar situations make it seem less lonely and more bearable. 

I am glad that you found us and feel comfortable telling us what has been going on to release some of the pent-up frustrations. Writing about what has been going on and discussing it without judgment or interruption is therapeutic.

Is there any other way that we can help and support you as you continue your work in progress?