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So it's about 6 weeks NC. It was my burden as she was completely done with me. Some of you know she got a job at a competitor which is where I tried to get a job.

Anyway, today some coworkers were talking about it and mentioned how she is posting on facebook all the time with her coworkers at work being so happy.

At first I felt that trigger jolt in my body. Then I got angry for a minute. Angry that she does this to people and tjen moves on with her life.

Then I felt sad. But for her. One common trait of BPD is finding an identity through external sources. And I feel sad for her that her new identity is "employee of this new company". It makes me sad for her because she can't possibly find an identity through herself.

And sure, a part of me feels okay because I know she might be happy right now but that same, lost, child looking to belong in the world is still there who will always be chasing and not really look to herself to find out what she needs to really work on.

I think this is a big growth for me. That I can look at her now wit sympathy and actual sadness for the confused and lost child she is.

I can empathize. My ex kept up the mirror routine well after my relationship with her ended and I'd be willing to bet that she is still working hard at it today. She co-oped my friends, used the connections that I afforded to her, and completely disavowed me of any credit. Let's face it, these are emasculating circumstances that could have a really demeaning effect on my own self-perception and sense of self-worth.

However, this isn't the point nor the reason why we're here working on ourselves, being introspective, and trying to change for the better. The real point is rather the opposite: that all of these factors are keeping us emotionally engaged in a toxic relationship, and to find happiness we need to be able to consider them as factors and not the be all end all bill of victimization and martyrdom that we are used to ascribing ourselves inside.

We need to be able to look past our personal situation and view the problems from a big picture perspective. This is painful and involves much practice, of course, and there is certainly no easy way of going about it. But at the same time, it is the only true way out of our own thoughts and into a world that by and large wants us to prosper.

In short, cognitively I think it's always good practice to reflect on ourselves and our reactions to things, even when we perceive a situation as the worst it could get. This doesn't mean exposing ourselves to abuse. We should always get away from that if we have the awareness to. But the past is not going anywhere, and we must make some peace with it if we are to move forward with our lives.

Good points. I think it's what I'm trying to do. Because my initial anger was very selfish. I guess a part of me just hurts because I'm thinking "oh no. You had a golden opportunity to really learn and work on yourself but it looks like the same pattern."

After the breakup she became yoga crazy. Until it didn't fill the void completely. Then she wanted me back. Now this is her new identity and I guess I just feel sad that I don't see any growth in her based off what people are saying. She's still latching onto the external to fill the purpose to life and identity.

I have worked so hard not to numb or distract from the feelings. So so hard. I guess i still care about her because I know she's too far gone. And yeah, I feel bad for the next guy.

Hopefully if I ever find someone else or want it I'll be wiser and more understanding of my hurt child so I don't do things wrong.

But it's her journey now. I tried my best to help her see our faults and do couples therapy and push through the desire to give up without mutial trying. If she finds someone who can give give and give then thats good for her. But I'm on my own path now. I just feel sad for her that the sad hurt child she is doesn't seem capable of ever growing up. But it wouldn't have grown up with me in it no matter what.

I feel a sense of peace for myself, but sadness for her.

Well I guess a part of me was triggered more than I thought because I was tempted to send her the letter I had wrote out a couple weeks ago. I had actually typed it up and everything. Then I paused. Google searched "Should I send a letter to my BPD/NPD ex?" and a forum came up which everyone said emphatically "Hell no!"

That brought me to rational thought of "She doesn't care about you. Deep down, you were a rebound relationship for her so she didn't have to be alone. It was about her in the relationship; not about you. You can list 100 reasons why that is true. The ship has sailed with her. There is no emotional attachment left for you or any desire to ever see you again. And deep down, you don't want to either. You're just angry that she seems to be doing so well and has made you a distant memory. But you aren't a memory. You are a caring, loving, sacrificing human being who deserves to heal. She isn't worth your time or any act which shows her that you still think about her. You love yourself enough to protect you first and to not show her any type of attention ever again."

I'm glad I got over it. I have to do some introspection to see why hearing about her posts on facebook created such a strong reaction to the point that, 5 hours later, I was on the verge of sending something to her. Anxiety maybe? Sadness that life has moved on for her so easily while I struggle every single day at times? Fear of the unknown? Anger that she has "won"? Questions to ponder for sure. But regardless I guess my own hurt little child just made a more mature, grown up decision  :)

I think that it's generally a good idea to stray away from those initial, desperate urges towards contact and have to commend you for really thinking through the issues you wanted to present to her. It's not your job to tell her how wrong she was, and how wrong you personally think she was would probably fall on deaf ears if you did send off that letter. If you think about it, there is a level of empathy and understanding in that simple choice that is very difficult to achieve for most people.

I know how hard that struggle is, and in my experience with trying to break free of the relationship it was not easy by any means. At moments it almost felt like I couldn't control myself. But like with all things, practice makes perfect. We have the choice to increase our tolerance of these intense momentary desires, it's just a matter of setting those boundaries and trusting in them.

In some sense, it's like a business. You draft a strategic plan and sell it to your investors with no real guarantees, only various evidence-based studies that show the effectiveness of your aforementioned plans. Just like good business people, emotionally intelligent people have to be able to evaluate things in the long term with anticipation. This is basically just a large metaphor for improving our own executive functioning skills—a discriminate big decision mode, in plain english.

And also, it's funny to reflect on the things that irritate us when we are calm. Doing this forces space between us and those highly volatile knee jerk reactions, and eventually we taper off and generally always give ourselves time to think before doing something we might regret.

In all seriousness, keep it up. You're doing great!

Thanks Valet. I just wanted to put down what that letter did entail which I DID NOT send her . Some of it has some jade to it for sure and, knowing her, she would have shut it down immediately. She just isn't an emotionally capable adult. It's sad. But this is what I had processed for myself as my "goodbye" letter.

"I want to thank you for showing me that I am capable of real mature love. I want to thank you for showing me that no matter how much I hurt through my own faulty views I was able to forgive and do things to show you the relationship was meaningful to me with a plan to spend my life with you through thick and thin.

I want to thank you for allowing me to be in a position that I had to look deeper into myself and my hurt child. It's too late but I now finally realize that my anger at you was suppressed anger at my parents. For the first time in my life I know who I am and where my projected anger comes from and how to deal with that in a positive way when I feel triggered in the present.

Thank you for allowing me to prove to myself that I was able to try and communicate and compromise in a relationship while putting my ego and wants to the side at times to try and be more attentive to my partner (something I never did in previous relationships though I was far from perfect in this one).

I also want to thank you for leaving me. By leaving me and then wanting me back when you needed help it put my love to a true test. To forgive and try again after being so hurt or let it die without a real effort on my part to make it work? I'm glad I tried. I proved something to myself by trying to improve my behaviors, empathy, and patience the second time around. And I'm glad it happened one more time in late May when you needed help again. Another test of love that I'm glad I passed.

Thank you for being the present image of past resentments so that I had to learn to forgive myself after all the horrible things I said to you. Things that no one ever deserves to hear which came from my mouth after the two breakups.

Thank you for allowing me to do the necessary work to see that all that you did wasn't about me. This helps me have more empathy when I feel wronged and not to take it personal like my hurt child would.

Thank you for forcing me to accept and let go of control in my life. If I had left you and not come back I wouldn't have learned a thing about myself because I would have been in control. I would've kept thinking all this was your fault. Well it was my fault too. I told you that many times before with self sabotage and reenacting childhood resentments.

But I had to finally accept that it is what it is. I don't fault you anymore for latching onto me after (insert ex' name who walked away like me and then begged back while she was with me) as a way to forget the pain. I wasn't a victim. All I had to do was say no. I mean I'm a guy and you're gorgeous and you came onto me so I guess lizard brain made it a little harder to say no but it was still my choice. It's what you knew. And I fell in love with the real you. It's why I tried so hard. But I'm a human too who wants the same love, nice words, and random acts of kindness from my partner which you want from yours.

But I don't fault you for not providing that. You didn't do it deliberately. Just like I expected undying love if I gave it. I believe you expected undying love without having to give. We both had faulty views that developed in childhood. If I forgive myself for thinking wrongly how could I not forgive you also?

Thank you for the experience so that I could write my second novel. People have told me its some of the most impactful stuff they have ever read. All that pain in there couldn't have come without a catalyst.

And it wouldn't have happened without me going through all this depression, pain, and heartache for those 6-7 months. It forced me to feel my emotions and not numb them with hobbies, work, or drinks or drugs. These are gifts I am blessed to have.

Thank you for showing me where I went wrong. How I lost any and all empathy when I was upset and was not able to stop myself in the moment. Thank you for showing me the changes I needed to make to my communication style for better understanding when triggered.

Thank you for showing when I was depressed that I went about the wrong way. Instead of communicating my depression and fear more than I did (although I did try to a few times without blaming you) I eventually put it on you and blamed you for things you had no control over. It's nothing I can take back. I can only learn from it.

Thank you for showing me the real you. Sadly, I saw the real you very early on. Before we started dating. But I didn't want to believe it especially in the beginning when you just bombed me with love, affection, and attention I never had before. Thank you for showing you sooner rather than later. I'm happy my grandpop died when he did. It was the true test of any relationship. Whether the partner is capable of sustained empathy, love, and care when their partner is deeply wounded with pain. I know I was able to. I did it for 16 months.

But thank you for allowing me to see that the support I wanted from you in December was really my attempt to fill the subconscious mothering love I always craved and it was unfair to put that 100% onto you. I could have been content with what you were able to give me. You weren't my parent. I didn't see that until it was too late and it caused irreparable damage to the relationship. Everytime I got upset it was because of that. I felt a parental betrayal which had been suppressed for decades and I brought it back to life everytime I felt hurt. Thank you for allowing me the insight to see that I am really just a parentified child. I didn't communicate clear enough and you weren't in a spot to go through couples therapy to learn that about me and possibly about yourself to build a relationship few couples have.

Carl Whitaker says that we all pick a specific partner on a subconscious level because they have the ability to make us truly whole. But it involves both people willing to reveal their inner self and strive to be whole through one another. It wasn't meant to be with us. It takes 2 people who love each other enough to see the forest past the trees and see the growth in working through relational problems no matter how scary it is.

I'm on a long path to healing. My therapist thinks it will be a couple years to rebuild myself and trust people again as my brain wires from what I allowed myself to experience and go through. Although I have learned so much I still wish, sadly, that I had never gotten involved with you.

It was as clear as day it was a rebound relationship for you which I was triangulated into. You were still talking to (insert ex name before me) and texted me how sad you were he didn't come to your graduation and then 5 hours later you flirted with me and made out with me. I sadly don't think that you loved me for me. I believe you loved that I took your pain away and that I was a giver who wasn't going to push too hard about wanting anything from you. It was a hard pill to swallow. Hardest thing I had to accept in my life when my therapist helped me see that. A part of me knew that your life was about you and your needs no matter what. I sadly saw it as a quiet, observant intern. I saw it after my birthday when we all had to come up to your place because that's what you wanted. I had no attraction to you until I saw this loving, caring, seductive, sexy person appear and want me and I couldn't say no. Sadly, I forgot to see the context of why you wanted me. But it's all okay. Honestly. You didn't do it deliberately. I hold no ill will for you acting the way that has helped you survive in this world for so long.

My life will never be the quiet, peaceful, zen like normal in between my ex I was engaged to and dating you. It will be peaceful one day. But never like it was from 2012-2015. But that's alright. I have to live with a new normal that will always have a deep fracture in my self. And that's okay. It has to be. 

So thank you. Truly thank you. I will never stop putting others first at times in my life and giving all the love I have to give to people who are broken or hurt. 'Perhaps I shall meet with troubles and many disappointments, but I have made up my mind to be polite and sincere to everyone; more cannot be asked of me.'"

hey roberto,

this looks familiar to me, so believe me when i say theres no judgment when i ask: do you think its possible that soothing anger with pity (feeling sorry/sad for her) might be placing yourself in a one up position?

i ask because theres a fine line between compassion and pity. compassion for human suffering is a universally good quality, and it can inform our recoveries. pity for an ex tends to put ourselves above them. this can be a way of soothing our hurt. its the sort of thing that can carry into the next relationship.

what do you think?

A very valid question. And truth to it as I find some anger still creeping up. The more I read the more I see more covert narcissism traits in her. And it's hard to not feel used still. It's hard to have people think she's this amazing person when behind closed doors it was so much subtle control.

A part of me does feel sad for her. Truthfully. But does that outweigh the anger right now? No. Probably not. And the reason I know that to be true is if I found out something has happened to her in life in a negative context (family member passes, loses her job, gets ill, etc) a part of me would probably feel like "at least there's some karma in this world."

So I can't pretend their isn't anger. If I do I'm running from myself and I'm trying to change that. That urge to send that message off is still there too which is anger based. If I truly felt 100% sad for her there'd be no urge whatsoever to act on anything.

I'm not sure if it's putting myself in a one up position as I still feel that she has gotten the better of this deal. Maybe more an attempt to just rationalize the pain away and detach from it? Which I guess pity would accomplish too. Cause there's definitely no compassion right now. And yes, a part of me is thinking "well I'm glad you are still stuck and not working on yourself because it proves me right about who you are and running from life amd the truth about who you are."

So yeah... .you're onto something. I just want her out of my life. I want to stop hearing about her. I want to stop worrying that her company will run ours out f business and that she "wins". I want to stop thinking about someone who used all her skills to get me to go against all I had worked in only to be used up and then tossed away because I stopped supplying her with her supply. I'm the first person to admit life isn't fair. I just hate I have to be constantly reminded about her and the type of human she is.

i can certainly relate to this. even after most of the pain subsided, i struggled with feelings of injustice, the idea that my ex got away with her actions, or at least believed she did. there was nothing i wanted to do more than let her know she hadnt.


this is along the lines of what i mean. i dont know that this is evident from what you describe. the anger you feel sounds righteous and a bit more balanced. you get pissed hearing about what shes up to. who wouldnt?


thats what righteous anger looks like.

compassion looks like: "i know my ex struggles to find her place in the world, and im glad she has found success."

indifference looks like: "i could not care less what is happening to her or what shes up to"

pity looks like:


what i want to stress here is that none of those is inherently right or wrong (or necessarily the ultimate destination we are shooting for), just that we can gravitate too much in any one direction. in other words, im not suggesting your feelings should be replaced with compassion (or indifference), but also not pity.

right now it sounds like the last thing youd want to see is her succeed. thats perfectly understandable. it may change over time, and it may not, but its hardly "wrong". personally, my ex is "someone i used to know", and while i would not describe my feelings as "indifference", and do wish her success, theres not much energy invested in that wish, ya know?  theres also a big difference between "no i dont wish her success, i dont want to know anything about her" and "i want her to fail", but some of the latter is understandable too. i was pretty invested in my exes new relationship crashing and burning. when i heard a lot of behind the scenes stuff six months later, it was kind of anti climatic.

a good antidote for this, a good path to physically moving on, is to be building up your life and success. not out of a sense of competition, mind you (although i think its fairly normal to have some of that going on at first), but when we are satisfied and happy in our lives, the success or failure of others has less bearing on us.

i dont know your work relationships and culture, but any way to tell your coworkers youd prefer not to hear about what your ex is up to?

I probably could. I'm sure they'd respect it. But I guess a part of me does want to know in the sense of I just want someone to tell me one day ":)id you see she has a new boyfriend?" I guess that would finally close the book on it all for me. Although the book is already closed anyway and I'm sure there is already someone else. She hid me from the world for close to 6 months on social media so I know she wouldn't want people she used to work with thinking "Oh look at her moving on so quick etc. etc." She cares very much about how other people view her.

I know in time it will pass. As I've said many times before. I wish my past ex well in her life now. I am indifferent to that. I guess this one is harder because this recent one was much much worse believe it or not. There were no addictions (well outside of some benzo and antidepressant use to function), no physical hitting of me, no flirting with other men like my previous ex, etc. But that ex at least made a real effort after getting in legal trouble to change her life for herself and us. Going to AA meetings and trying to get away from the life that caused us both so much chaos. I sabotaged that one by not taking the opportunity to be proud of her positive choices while also growing my own wings.

I guess this is harder because I was in a better place to want to work on the relationship, to not be controlling at all, to encourage her to prosper and do things she wanted to, try and communicate on my end, stay interested in my hobbies and interests etc. etc. And my previous ex did show love to me. She'd have dinner waiting for me after work, give me back massages, etc. This relationship was, sad to say, 99.9% take once she knew she had me. My old ex wanted to spend time with and get to know my friends and did things I wanted to do because she wanted to be with me and spend time with me. This ex didn't want any of that. It was 99.9% her and her wants at all times.

So maybe I find it harder to let go of that anger because: 1. It's still early and 2. As I look back I see that in this relationship there wasn't any real love from her the last year of being together. I was fully her parent and caretaker and she didn't want to do anything different about that. I thought when we first dated "So this is what a relationship should be." Now I look back and say "I can't believe she is the most devastating and abusive relationship I have ever been in."

Lastly, I am having a real struggle with that letter. I guess the anger wants me to send it to say basically "Hey. I'm still here. Don't forget too easily that I am hurt and this is what happens with people who get involved with you." But that's so selfish on my part. It's not a human being I want to be anymore. Still hard not to want to let her know.

My minds a mess right now. I know I keep trying to move on but I have had a dream with her in it every night this week. And last night it was so intense (I can't recall the details now) but I woke up with a pounding heart and my whole body was tense. Just venting all this as it's been tough. I guess I had put a mask on for a while and occupied my time to try and move on without really moving on. I know I can't go out of sight out of mind. I have to take the blinders off and accept that this is my reality and I will hear about her in one way or another as long as I work where I do.

As much as I have learned about myself and everything and what can come from it. For the most part, I wish  I had never gotten involved with her. If a genie could come by and give me one wish it would be to go back to the first day she started flirting with me at work and I would have told her "no. please don't come near me." I'm too tired to go through this as the shattered and fractured person I am. It's been too long. All because I decided to love someone. The most beautiful thing a person can do is love and it has just about broken my mental and emotional spirit.

you dont need to hear that she has a boyfriend in order to emotionally and mentally close the door. i imagine if you heard it tomorrow, it would be a huge blow, and you would feel similarly and worse to how you felt in your OP. hopefully it wont, and its the kind of thing that always stings, but you can get to a place where it will be far less painful and more fleeting.


i read a post of yours recently that elaborated on some of this. i dont want to mischaracterize your words (and i dont recall which post), so correct me if im wrong, but you had touched on some ways your ex tried to show support, but that it wasnt what you wanted/needed? have you read up on "love languages"? theyre about fundamental compatibility. it sounds like in spite of the difficulties, in some of the ways that Love Languages describes, there was more compatibility with the previous ex.  pwBPD traits do often struggle to be their partners emotional rock, others do too, and this sort of dynamic can lead to resentment on both sides. for example, my mother is accepting of, but sometimes frustrated and disappointed when my dad does not emotionally support her in the way she needs. she will tell you his way of showing love is quite often to make you food.

more on this:


some of the greatest frustrations ive had in my life came as a result of people not being toward me, the way i tried to teach them to be. from what ive read, this obstacle was something of a theme in your relationship. do you think its where some of the lingering resentment stems from? does seeing it this way help?

love language test here: www.5lovelanguages.com/

Right in the beginning of the relationship we both took the love language test and read the book with the similar name (can't remember what it was called). I valued quality time the most. I can't recall what her top one was.

And it's true. When we went to couples therapy, our last session (before she bagged it up and I didn't push) was our genograms. With mine, the therapist said, to summarize "You don't need a lot of people in your life. But those you let in you have the belief that they will be there for you when you are really down or in trouble."

It's what I learned from my parents and grandpop. I don't need to be told I'm loved everyday (though it feels nice). I don't need to have things done for me on a regular basis. I'm okay being a caretaker. It's okay with me. All I ever want in a relationship is when, I'm really in a tight spot emotionally or physically, that the person I have given and shown the sacrifice would reply in kind. I think that's why it hurt so much. It was the first time I really asked something of her aside from trying to communicate to me instead of shutting down. To explain to her, after his passing, that I felt life was pointless and a hard depression and she just sat there and listened and said "Well there has to be a point. It's depressing otherwise." And then the very next day she's on the phone for an hour with a friend who was troubled and she's talking her through it. All I got was a single sentence.

Then the days following she'd come home and go into the bedroom to binge watch "Grey's Anatomy." I went in the bedroom one day to lay next to her to feel close to someone and she commented that by me putting the tv on she couldn't hear the netflix on her phone and it was messing with her style.

So yeah, my love language was completely incompatible with whatever hers was. Honestly, I don't know if  there's a love language that is going to be compatible with her.

And yes, she did try to help me for a little bit, to the best of her ability. Not to the substance I so desperately wanted. And it wasn't like I sat there and sulked and resented her. I remember literally telling her how I felt and how distraught I was and how I felt alone, sad, depressed. No empathy for a sustained period of time. She wasn't capable. The fact that she made sure I stopped off after work one day to get christmas gift cards for her family on a day that I had told her my depression was at a breaking point kinda shows that. But i get it. If she literally suppresses those feelings then how could I ever expect her to have empathy for the emotions I have? It was probably like I was speaking another language to her with my feelings and emotions. I imagine her subconscious thinking "Why doesn't he just suppress this stuff already?"

Actually before the breakup we had tried to understand our love languages in a different way. I told her I felt we were growing apart and what could we do. She brought up that she missed my random acts of kindness and willingness to do things for her. I told her I just wanted us to spend some quality time together (no kidding ). Meaning try and plan activities together on weekends and watch movies or tv shows like we used to without the cell phones being out. Just enjoy each others company.

I did try on my part. I started, willingly and excitedly, getting her gifts. I looked forward to the day knowing they'd arrive in the mail for her. And I began to love (again) making coffee in the morning for her before work and walking the dogs before work. I wanted her to get some extra sleep before work. I slept in the bed every night again even though all the movement from the dogs kept it a restless night for me. And I guess she did try as well... .kinda. One example, we had agreed to watch a movie together and she let me pick it (our attempt at quality time). I picked something I heard was really funny and entertaining. Within 5 minutes of it she turns to me and says "I'm gonna go to bed." I think that was one of the "broke the camels back moments" because I realized then what our dynamic truly was. She came first and only didn't come first when she was okay with not being first. Probably the real eye opening moment for me.

Thanks for the feedback once removed. It's been a rough day and it's helpful to be able to talk about this stuff. You're also right. I know I can heal before the inevitable moment that I found out who the new guy is. Logically, it's been far too long for me not to be accepting (and even relieved) of the situation. Everyone in the world knows we are broken up. I don't know why I just can't move on as easily as she has.

Roberto, I can relate and sympathize with you. You are on a good path. All I would add as difficult as it may be, just stay away.