BPDFamily.com

Hello guys,

My best friend recently moved away, who was my support system in my troubles being engaged to someone with BPD. He was only capable of understanding so much anyways. but long story short, i love my fiance, hence why i proposed. But to be perfectly honest there are many times i think i hate her. I know it is her BPD and not her that i hate, which keeps me going. Her happiness is like a non rainy day in Seattle. And i often feel verbally battered and abused on her bad days. I myself am far from perfect, but I just want someone to get what it feels like to be in love with a girl, and to despise her condition. At times its very difficult for me to not give into her baiting, and not to react emotionally to the things ive come to know as her BPD. Sorry for ranting, and to any BPDs out there possibly reading, i mean no offense to anyone. I understand(in the sense that i dont understand) what you are going thru. Anyone out there who loves someone with BPD and wishes to continue their relationship, please reach out to me. idk in the long run if it will change anything, but i could sure use some validation for the way that i feel as i will never get any out of my relationship.

Hi, I have a lot of negative emotions at times too. It is very weird how it manifests! I am way too embarrassed to say or describe all of the negative thoughts that go through my head - it's pretty ugly! I do want to be with him and have things work, and I am really not a hateful person towards anything, I have a lot of compassion and understanding in me. But this is hard. His nasty words and actions reverberate inside of me long, long after he says or does horrible stuff. I try to let myself off the hook a bit with buddhist techniques, realizing that thoughts are just thoughts. I see that they are generated inside of me in response to the extreme stuff I experience, but I try to let them come and go without judgement.

I agree, it is very hard to know how to love someone like this exactly. I don't want to be treated this way, but I can only control my responses to it, I cannot fully stop it. I am able to get apologies at least, sometimes, but even those are sort of meaningless because he explicitly takes them all away later, so his words, well, they sort of mean nothing. It hurts. Stay strong inside yourself, train your inner self talk to be positive when you can to counteract all the negative stuff that will sometimes bubble up. You could say inside "I don't hate her, I hate the illness" over and over. Oh, I think I should do that too! It might help keep the resentment lower. :)

One of the things you have to come to terms with is that it is one thing to understand something, but it does not mean you have to be able to completely tolerate it. It is a rare breed of a person who can completely tolerate all extremes of BPD

It will expand to fill your tolerance levels completely and then push beyond. The only way to deal with this is to allow yourself guilt free space to step away from it sometimes, and let things fall as they may. This is your respite. Without it resentment will compound. Resentment is the ultimate killer as it feeds back into the problem.

You can end up putting your own life on the back burner while you conduct endless circular therapy sessions trying to overcome the issue of the day. At times you just have to take a break and turn the gas off.

Regardless of a person with BPD acting like the sky is falling in as a result of you not picking up the ball, they get over it. Probably quicker than you will.

It is very hard to care for someone who at times clearly doesn't care for themselves, it feels like you are flogging a dead horse. Often by overcaring you enable them to undercare for themselves. Side stepping basic responsibilities in the process.

You may see BPD as not them, but it shapes who they are, and always has. It is a dysfunctional personality, not an attachment to their personality. Hence it is part of them and so they still have some accountability for their actions. Unless they learn to be accountable for their actions they will never be able to tame the extreme BPD aspects of their emotional management.

hi waverider, thanks for these incredibly helpful insights! :)