BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I read somewhere that only 15 % of marriages last when the death of their child occurs.
Its a very long story but our daughter as we knew her has left and will probably (according to her team)
never come back in the way we are used to.
My marriage is and has been falling apart for over 10 years.
Can this be considered a death? Feels so much like that and our therapist agrees.
Anyone else out there struggling with their significant other due to BPD children? Adult or otherwise?
 

Hello need a break.  I can hear your sadness.  I am so sorry about whatever has happened with your daughter.  I am so sorry the relationship with your husband is strained.  You need a hug... .and here is one from me (--).

I, too, have experienced great sadness over the years because of my daughter's BPD tendencies and actions.  Thankfully my husband and I will soon celebrate our 55th wedding anniversary.
 Even though we have always loved each other, it has been a struggle at times to stay united when the problems with our daughter arose.  I was her target... .not her father; consequently he has never experienced my pain... .never understood my tears.  There have been many times when I have felt so alone... .just wanted to scream.

You ask, "Can this be considered a death?"  My answer to that is... .yes!   It is the heartbreaking realization that the life you envisioned and have wanted has not come about... .and probably never will. It is the death of a dream but harder to handle because there is not the closure one can get if there is a funeral.

With that said, as with the death of a loved one, there is a grieving period.  The harshness of the grieving can/will eventually soften if you let it... .and then you start giving yourself the gift of getting-on-with-life.  What a gift that can turn out to be!

You probably have worked hard to make changes over the years but the only real change you have the power to make is the change to yourself.  You do not deserve to be "need a break."  You deserve to be happy and content with whatever life you have.  While that will always be a work-in-progress, it can be a rewarding work-in-progress... .but it is work.

I speak from experience when I encourage you to accept what is... .IS... .and work with that reality.  You do not abandon all your obligations but you refocus.  Look for little things that will put a smile on your face... .a movie... .a walk... .a manicure... .whatever!  It is a matter of forcing yourself to put one foot in front of the other until eventually those smiles just come on their own and you are better able to deal with what life throws at you.

When you read what others post on this forum, you will see that you are not alone.  While our stories differ, all of us are parents who were wanting life to be different from what it is today.  I hope that you feel comfort in knowing that you are being heard... .and you can feel better.