BPDFamily.com

Hello, I'm a newcomer here. Our daughter is 20, and not firmly diagnosed, but has features of dependent/ avoidant PD along with some possible Borderline. She's been hospitalized for anorexia twice. Started college, a perfectionists, works like a maniac, stellar student, socially isolated.  Having a hard summer, regressing.

What I'd like to talk about to begin with is parental roles in relation to daughter.  We have alot of splitting going on here: It seems that when she is doing poorly she goes to dad, who is very invested in being understanding, possibly to excess, and when she is feeling stronger, she comes to me and denigrates dad. The marriage has suffered. I'd like to hear about different dynamics married people take in relation to young adult with issues and how this affects marriage.
Thanks for reading.

My 20 year daughter with BPD also does alot of splitting. This is made harder because my husband and I have never had a strong marriage and have considered divorce but do not want to create any new stress for our BPDD. The only thing that has helped is to have a plan of action or response for anything you think might come up so that you are both consistent. You and your husband will have to compromise and agree on the plan. My husband and I needed a therapist to do this and we still don't always get it right but we try.

Hang in there and baby steps.

 

Yes, my husband and I have gone through a lot of marital stress and contemplated divorce.  We had struggled for several years and worked with different therapists.  We finally found one who we both clicked with.  She helped us negotiate a contract for our daughter.  For every action we negotiated a consequence.  I also did a lot of contemplating my own bottom line which was after 18 if she was abusive she was not allowed to live with us.  I was willing to divorce over that issue so that my son and I could have a safe space.   This message board was extremely supportive during this time period.