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Hi, I haven't posted for a really long time. I've been doing great. The events at the beginning of the year that occurred with my ex BPD boyfriend have left me grateful that I escaped relatively unscathed. I'm glad it happened because Lord knows how long it would have went on had I been more deeply enmeshed in it.  I hope people remember my story. For those that don't, I hope you're able to find my past posts if you're interested so you can get the backstory.  Short summary, I was in a 9-month relationship with my ex BPD boyfriend and we were about to move in together but I was starting to have misgivings about that, and suddenly he replaced me New Year's Eve weekend for another woman that I found out he had been cheating on me with for a month prior. When I contacted him during this for money he owed me and to get my things back, he called the police on me and he also called and screamed at me and told me if he ever saw me he would bash my face in. Several times during our relationship I saw the extent of his temper. It was quite scary. But I'm grateful now that he did what he did and that I can see his true colors and I have absolutely no desire to have any contact with him whatsoever.

My co-workers being the nosey people they are and knowing I was blocked by him on Facebook, kept checking his profile all these months. He paraded tons of pictures on a daily basis of him and her and always had to post publicly where he was and what he was doing with her. Apparently they noticed a trend that these posts were starting to taper off in the beginning of May. My coworkers warned me that maybe things weren't so good with them and they noticed this trend and that maybe I should prepare for him attempting to contact me after all as I hadn't really taken my therapist seriously that he might do that. It was in the back of my mind but I tried to ignore it as I was happily going on with my life. And the thought of him contacting me actually kind of scared me some. I guess I kind of had the mentality at the time that if I ignored it it wasn't going to happen.

Then one of my co-workers came to me and said he hadn't posted in days which she said was completely unlike him. And it was completely unlike him to just disappear from Facebook when I was with him as well. He would post several times daily. He had to let everybody know how fabulous his life was when I knew he really had self-esteem issues and wasn't really doing much with himself. Appearance was everything on Facebook for him.  That got the best of me and I put his name in the search and found that he had unblocked me. The other woman had also unblocked me, as well having posted a profile picture of her and a guy other than my ex. However I did nothing. I just continued to go on with my life and assumed that they must have broken up or something.  I didn't block them at this time. It was a non-issue for me. At this point I was indifferent and didn't care about their relationship and that was the end of it. I didn't check their profiles after that, it was what it was and none of what happened mattered anymore. I now have a boyfriend that I love and as a matter of fact yesterday he just gave me a promise ring.  I was over the events that happened at the beginning of the year with my ex within 2 months and started dating and met again my boyfriend that I have now. We grew up together and have a ton of mutual friends. We've known each other for about 35 years. We are in a really healthy and stable relationship. I have no need for the drama of my ex.

And what happens? Somebody has to try to go out of their way to bring the events from the beginning of the year up again. I got the first message from the ex via Facebook Messenger in mid-May. It was literally him basically saying hey how are you doing and I've been thinking about you. It was as if nothing had happened between us. Like the cruelty of what he did never even occurred. I didn't answer the message. I received two more messages after that I also did not acknowledge. With the first message my guard went immediately up. I chose at that time not to block him on Facebook because of the warning that I remembered my therapist gave me to document any attempts by him to communicate with me in case something down the road went on.  When I was out with my boyfriend and received another message, I let him take the reins and he messaged my ex from his own messenger and let my ex know that he was not to contact me in any way, shape or form. I at that point blocked my ex. Despite my therapists warning, I just didn't want to deal with him and see messages from him. I figured if I didn't respond there wouldn't be a problem. I don't live near him so I figured problem solved and I was hoping he would just forget about me and go away on his own if he received no responses from me to feed him.

June 8th I received a message by Facebook Messenger from the other woman. Basically it consisted of attempting to mock me that I shouldn't get a big head because the break-up had nothing to do with me. That was weird. I don't know why this woman that I have no chance of seeing as she lives 3 hours from me, and I don't even know her, would be so insecure as to contact me that way or to even think that I give a crap what's going on in their relationship six months after the fact! I don't let things keep me down that long. Do these people really think I haven't moved on?  I just wrote back to her I didn't care six months after the fact if they broke up or not and Karma was delivering what they both deserved but thanked her for getting me out of that situation. I admit I was mad that she would contact me and try to shove that in my face. It was cut-and-dried my response. End of story and I blocked her immediately.  That is the only personal response I have given and I still have them both blocked on Facebook.

So yesterday after my boyfriend and I had a nice day at my house and he gave me the promise ring, I went and checked my mailbox and in there was a envelope addressed to me with no return address. It was a letter from my ex-boyfriend. While attempting to make it sound as if his reasons for contacting me were innocent, I can see he's trying to rope me back in again. The very reason why he called the police on me and he lied to them saying he didn't owe me money, now he's trying to use the excuse that he owes me money and wants to pay the debt back. I'm getting scared. Apparently silence from me is not enough for him to stop contacting me. While he isn't threatening my safety, he made several suggestions for us to get together and that if I didn't want to, he could even come to my job and leave the money on my car. What?  No I don't want him at my job and who would leave money on a car? That's just weird. In my boyfriend's message to my ex a couple months ago telling him to leave me alone, my boyfriend did call him a bad name. My ex in this letter to me, said that if he ever sees my boyfriend, how about my boyfriend come up to him and say that bad name to his face and see what happens?

Is this guy going to continue to try to contact me? I want him out of my life. I'm glad what happened happened in hindsight. It was horrible at the time but I went to therapy immediately and I took care of business and my self-esteem is at an all-time high. I'm assuming that the only reason why he hasn't called me yet is because he might have gotten rid of my phone number when all this stuff first happened when he cheated on me. I don't know if I should Facebook message him and unblock him long enough so that he can hear from me personally that I do not want contact and that if he continues this I'm going to go to the police. Or if I should just take all this to begin with and say nothing and go to the police? Does anyone know if I have to have specific threats to get a restraining order or is the pattern of messages and the letter and relationship history enough?  I'm beginning to wonder if I should get a restraining order. I could use some advice. I know his temper and he threatened me in the past with the bashing my face in thing at the time of break up and now he basically made a veiled threat to my boyfriend.

 I have two children in my home. They are teenagers but they were afraid of my ex. They saw his temper towards me several times during the relationship and at the time he cheated on me, we were getting to the beginning of the end on my part anyway because my kids were afraid of him and I stopped allowing contact between him and them. You can't have a relationship that way. Even though I had said I would move in, my ex knew I was having misgivings about it and that it might not actually happen unless something changed, one of those things being his relationship with my children. I work third shift. What if this guy comes to my house when I'm not home? I'm beginning to wonder if that's a possibility and if my silence is actually feeding this instead of solving the problem. Also do I need to specifically send a message to him myself telling him to not contact me and to stay away from my job and my home in order for a judge to say hey she told you to leave her alone and you have chosen not to, so that a restraining order would be issued? Or would my non response to his messages and letter be enough if I were to just immediately go file for a restraining order? I don't know how this all works or what to do or if I should do nothing at all and continue to ignore him. This weird behavior is scaring me.  I have thought about messaging him via messenger but in a group so that his mother and sister see it as well.  They know how he is and what happened and the truth. Everyone else he's made me out to be Psycho. But I kind of want other people to know what he's doing so in case something happens, everyone knows who's behind it and what he's been doing.  I just don't know if I'm overreacting or if my fear is warranted. In this particular case I'm not trusting myself I guess.  Am I overreacting? Thank you

I would suggest posting this paragraph on the Family Law board.  *)

I think this is amping up emotionally and I, personally, would not do anything to amp it up further. Although well intentioned, your boyfriends involvement raised the temperature on this... .and it rattled your ex and he is now responding. You are now rattled.

This is a really good article on drama triangles:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I might focus in on the most construct things the ex has said, like offering to pay you the money he owes, and respond to that. "I really appreciate your offer to payback the money. Can you sen a check to _________. "

You might also defuse what has been said.  "I apologize for the name calling. I over-reacted. That wasn't fair to you."

You could also say that you're in a serious relationship  "Mike and I have gotten very close and I hope you will wish us your best."

Just some ideas... .

I actually don't want the money at all. Eight months later I've learned to live without it. What I want is for him to not contact me ever. As far as the text goes that my boyfriend sent him, that was three months ago. Most people would have just let that go by now the same way I had to let go of what he did to me. I've seen his temper and between that and the warnings I've gotten for my therapist, yes I am nervous to say the least.

If it was three months ago, I wouldn't bother with any apology.

I think you have to make a choice... .

Either amp it down (saying don't ever contact me actually amps it up) with a light, matter of fact note... .

or push back hard with a don't every contact me and even a retraining order.

Year's a go, a dog trainer was trying to make a point with me and told me to push my 85 pound dog backward. I did. She pushed forward with all her might. Its a natural animal reaction.

He then said to ask her to get back. I did and she moved back.

I was impressed. It really helped my relationship with the dog.

It works with people too.

Saying "don't ever contact me will amp it up". Saying I don't want your money, probably amps it up (who doesn't want money). Showing fear will amp things up.

If you  read the Drama triangle stuff, the best way to respond to drama is to run it through rough a mental filter to clean it up, and respond to the cleaned up. Like... .

Him (cleaned): I would like to pay you back. I can drop the money off at work.
You: Thanks for offering to pay me back. You're a good guy. Its most convenient for me if you just send a mail a check to my office. Thanks.

These are just ideas on how to defuse this.

I know you don't want to deal with him. Pushing him back may actually make it worse. Being matter of fact, might be more effective.

I read the article. From what I get from it he can't triangulate me if I continue no contact and simply ignore his attempts to communicate. I think it just is starting to freak me out and maybe that's why I'm getting so wound up.

I thought about that too. What a restraining order push buttons hard enough with him that it would escalate the drama? That it would defeat the purpose and cause me to engage in triangulation.

Good!


The article really says to not engage the drama, just deal with the facts as if they where shared with you by a respectful person. "Hi I'd like to pay you back", "Thanks, send a check here".

Going silent is a pretty significant display of emotion. An RO is a disproportionate reaction, right? 

Most people would respond to a person offering to payback. If it was a request to get together, you could say no thanks.

If he stalking you or showing at work when you say no, then an RO makes sense.

Don't let his existence and casual contact rattle you and make you run. You have your life together. You have a good relationship. You are over the relationship. You are strong.

Okay I'm somewhat confused. I don't want any contact with this guy. After this post and your advice here, I read up more on this and everything is telling me to not respond and to remain strict no contact. I want him out of my life. I don't care about the money. I'm willing to call it a loss on that. But I'm sort of confused by the advice here. Are you telling me to respond with a respectful and neutral response even though I really have no desire to talk to him and don't want the money or any of my belongings back? No response is also a response though like the other poster said. I'm still kind of confused as what's the best route to take. I don't want to initiate contact if it's just going to continue to engage him. I'm good with no restraining order or contacting the police unless he starts threatening me or my kids or my boyfriend. I'm calm down now about it. But like I said everything I'm reading says maintain no contact no matter what method they use to continue to try to engage you.

I'm sorry if my comments are confusing.

I'm not encouraging you to open a dialog with him. I'm suggesting a low energy way to take the tension out and make this stop. Tensions are high. With you. With hm.

Do you remember what it is like to be shutdown, not heard, not allowed to speak? Here is what you said about it.



That's good.

From what you have read here, you have narrowed to two options.

1. You can sent a 10 word texts that says thanks and says to mail the money. This lowers the tension (he is heard and respected), it politely says don't show up at the office or my car, and makes the money a closed issues (mail it, don't talk about it).

2. You can go silent. Tensions will still be high. He may pop up somewhere to be heard. He may self sooth and let go.

Hope that helps.

Ok I got you now and thank you for taking the time to explain and talk with me. I just don't want to amp things up. I'll be honest though,  not only do I not want to encourage him to contact me if I say hey it's okay, keep the money or mail it to me but I'm good and leave it at that, but also too he doesn't deserve my acknowledgement after what he did. Whatever closure he's seeking or attention he's seeking, he doesn't deserve acknowledgement from me. As far as I'm concerned I've moved on and just leave me alone and you go do your thing but leave me out of it and stop trying to engage me because I'm not willing and I don't have any desire for anything but peace and quiet in my life at this point. Basically I'm too old for this crap LOL. In my head as time went on, I'm so far removed from this stuff, that it's hard for me to think about what he's doing is the result of an illness especially when through all this communication in his letter he said what happened happened and it's all water under bridge without any apology as if what he did was no big deal and didn't cause me trauma at the time. Same with the messaging. He doesn't even mention what happened. It says if it never occurred at all.  I don't know how anyone in their right mind convinces themselves something that bad simply did not occur and thinks that when they hurt someone like that that person is actually going to just feel like oh it's okay. It was a very big deal when it happened. It caused me a lot of pain but in hindsight I am glad it happened because otherwise I wouldn't have done the work on myself possibly and be where I am now. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the Good Fortune I have in the man I'm with now. He is amazing to me. I could have been stuck with my ex. Obviously whatever cause me to be in a relationship with him with so many red flags, there was something in myself that allowed me to be in a relationship with him. So from that perspective I'm glad things happen the way they did. But at the time it was nothing less than traumatic and I don't appreciate him contacting me as if nothing happened and just summing it up to it's water under the bridge now so let's get together. That ain't happening for sure!

It's not about revenge. More or less I just want to be left alone. I don't want to engage. I don't hate him and I don't love him, I'm just indifferent. And I admit a small part of me is just afraid of him and  I don't want to let him know that.

Replying to him keeps communication going. I say don't reply. If he comes around again, get a restraining order. Now if you want the attention, that's a whole different story. If you still have feelings for him, also that's a different story. If you are truly over him, there is nothing to fear. Most of us sadly like the attention from the ex's and that's why we don't fully block everything. It's the hardest thing for me to block because when she texts me positive things, it gives me power. And when she texts me negative things, I ignore. So I use it to my benefit until I don't need it anymore and maybe then I'll block her. But think of yourself FIRST. You have probably put him first many times before, now focus on yourself.