BPDFamily.com

My boyfriend and his ex-wife have a child together. My therapist (and many others) are convinced the ex-wife has BPD. We've been together a little more than a year, and she has already done some significant damage on my mental health. From calling the police on me, to lying to the child about me, she even tried to sell me for sex on Craigslist. She is more than an angry ex-wife, she is insane. And just when I think she's gone off the deep end, the pool gets wider and she jumps even further. I'm not going anywhere, when will she back off and start following the rules?

I'm sorry that you have had to go through this.   When I first started dating DH I got a lot of irrational behavior from uBPDbm. She would call me at all hours of the day and night. Repeatedly. Hang up and just call again. It was like 40 times a day. I would block her number and she would call from a different one. She would send me messages in my email, facebook, freakin pinterest! I kept NC and had the police call her to ask her to quit. When she still didn't stop contacting me I had a lawyer send her a Cease and Desist. That seemed to (mostly) do the trick.

Did her behavior ever get better? Nope. In the five years since I started dating she has filed a restraining order on my birthday, filed two more restraining orders after we got engaged, multiple calls to CPS (drug use, sexual abuse, medical neglect). The police have been to my house twice from her trying to take SD away from us during a visitation. She has withheld visitation and caused SD to miss out on family functions (her brother's first birthday, her grandfather's funeral). Called me names countless times and coached SD to lie. Just last week I dropped SD off at her mom's and uBPDbm flipped me the middle finger in front of SD then blew up at DH threatening to call the police on us. 

It's awful. But who does it hurt the most? SD12.

The best thing you can do is stay out of it. Don't respond to her behaviors, she is just looking for negative engagement. They thrive in chaos.

Hello needanswers,

Experiencing  similar things with my husbands ex and I know how frustrating it can be.  I've learned the same thing as thunderstruck.  Try not to be focused on when will she back off and start following the rules but rather focus on something you have control over.  Your response and how much you want to engage in the dynamic.

She is going to do what she is going to do and the only thing you can control is your response.  Sometimes not responding is a great response. :) 

I know it's easier said than done because the accusations are completely ridiculous but you have to not let her thoughts get into your head or your heart. 

The hardest part for me is watching my step daughter deal with it... .because she can't make sense of it and she feels so lost and confused.  It's hard enough for me to make sense of it... .  I've just been focusing on reminding her that her mom is going through something and her mom needs to figure out how to feel better about it.  we aren't the first divorced family... .geez! I'm just trying to let her know that her mom is responsible for her own feelings and choices, not her.  I feel like she walks on eggshells alot and tries to make her mom feel better by "acting" like she buys into it just to keep her mom happy.   

She tells her daughter how she is upset because Dad was married to her then just left her and married someone else.  Wait, what?  I was there that is NOT how it happened.  Mom initiated divorced and had a boyfriend a month later (same guy she is still with). They were dating for 2 years AND THEN I came along... .but when my SD talks about it she forgets those details... .she gets so caught up in her moms emotions she believes the facts she is being told.  She also told her daughter she still loves her Dad in many different ways. (as she is living with this boyfriend) Talk about confusing and a terrible example of what LOVE is.  Ugh... .

We don't engage and we don't argue with the ex when she attacks us.  She seems to like to bait or push my husbands buttons but he has gotten really good at calling me first before responding.  She isn't getting her chaos from us anymore and it seems like even when she tries to upset us... .she ends up being the one clearly bothered.  I've also learned to just state what I am going to do and then just do it.  Meaning I don't explain to her or have a conversation about it.  For example, she didn't think I needed to be at open house so rather than arguing, I just told her it is important to me and I plan to be there.  She text more and more telling me it is her daughter and I don't get a say... .blah blah.  I already said what I had to say and I followed through by just being there.  I SHOWED her she doesn't get a say in what I do. 

To answer your question: When will she back off? MAYBE when her attemps are no longer satisfying and productive.

We had a simple custody case opened to change pickup from 12 noon on Sunday to Mondays to allow for each parent to have full weekends and 2 weeks in the summer.  Simple enough request right?  She agreed in mediation and then she hired an attorney... .to fight what?  Oh thats the kicker, she didn't fight it.  In her response she clearly agreed to make the changes (something she fought us on for a year).  So knowing the court system well enough, I knew we didn't need an attorney for this, we just positively engaged with her attorney.  It was nice having a free attorney/mediator for the day to type up the agreement for us.  He didn't seem real happy about it.  I'm guessing he thought we would be initimated and just sign anything he handed us.  Since we made some minor changes we of course had to proofread and compare it to the previous mediation agreement each time.  It took 3 hours... .  she was so pissed by the end of it, she asked us if we could speed up the proofreading since she is paying by the hour.  My husband and I enjoyed a great morning together :) 

another tip - take out the emotion whenever possible and focus on the facts only... .  we could have gotten all caught up in the story she was feeding the attorney, whether he thought we were bad people... .but we didn't. We know who we are and didn't accept any of that negativity, we stayed focus on why we were there... .those fools can believe whateve they want about us. :)

By staying focused on the task or issue at hand (goal) and not her nonsense, we are always elated by the outcome.

I wish you the best and just try to be the ear for your SD.  At some point, she may start to ask you questions about all of this.  One time , my husband and I took SD to my ex's house (where my boys were for the day) for a bbq.  We didn't tell her until after we got there.  After we all interacted and introductions were over... .she had this big smile on her face.  She saw me talking to my ex's wife... .she gave us a tour of their new house.  My ex offered my husband a hamburger... .we didn't have to say anything.  That little 9 year old girl said it all... .she saw it, she understood... .

 
Bunny