BPDFamily.com

First off thanks to everyone whose been posting, it's been very helpful to hear some of your stories.
I met my girlfriend almost 2 years ago, and just recently discovered she has BPD. She's extremely high functioning (i think). what do i mean by that? She's very capable in her life, job, career. It's just me that gets to see the pain she struggles with. She's not suicidal, does not do the cutting. She just has a hard time trusting me. No matter what explanations I give her, facts I show, she's not able to retain that information, it gets forgotten or twisted. She splits and projects like a champ, but only at me.

Her story: Her mom left her family when she was 3 (I'm guessing she was borderline herself). Her dad (11th of 12 children) then basically handed my girlfriend and her brother off to a friend to raise them during the day while he concentrated on his work. Her brother, the only person who probably showed her unconditional love passed away from a sports injury when she was 18 (he was 16). She had a long term relationship for 12 years, 7 of which was marriage but ended when her husband cheated on her. 10 years ago her dad and her had a blow-out and they haven't spoken since. She has reached out but he doesn't respond. (I don't care what she said to him, that's bs for a father to do). Basically she has never known unconditional love, and everyone who has been 'family' has abandoned her. As I am attempting to step into that role, I am now the enemy. I'm triggering all this fear in her which she lashes out in unbelievable verbal rage. I started the relationship being an open book, I knew she was cheated on so I told her all about myself and my past to make her feel like I have nothing to hide, big mistake, the exact opposite happened and she can't let any of it go.

My girlfriend has spent years getting help, doing therapy, both traditional western and hippy/space-age (no offense!). She knows she has issues with her dad/ex, has anger issues, and a problem letting go. She knows she takes them it out on me. it's been a problem, we took a break for a few months while she went back to therapy to do something about it. And only then did finally acknowledge it's deep trauma. (I suggested she had trauma once and that was not a fun week). But now she knows it is and it's going to take several years of therapy... .then we started talking again and she quit seeing that therapist (She doesn't seem to stick with things for very long). being used to therapy she manipulated the therapist to basically judge me very negatively, I promise you I don't gaslight or manipulate her. She's very insightful except completely blind at the same time. She even told me before going to therapy that she often gets them to say what she wants to hear. In parallel I spoke to a therapist she used to see in my city and he suggested that she has borderline and I should look into it and DBT. After reading, I believe she definitely has borderline traits. The splitting, the abandonment and jealously, the projection, rage, unable to handle timing of events (angry at things that happened in the past as if they are still happening) etc. But she doesn't do the self-harm (physically) and she isn't outwardly shaming herself and you wouldn't know she's insecure but do now I see it in the subtle things she says. And she refuses to acknowledge any complements I am constantly giving her and accuses me of basically being attracted to everyone else in the world except her (and she is exceptionally beautiful).

Our relationship has gotten worse over the two years. It doesn't help that we are in a long distance relationship. Most of our fights are over texts, and I've failed in the last 2 years to contain my anger when she accuses me of things (she knows what buttons to press and I didn't know I was dealing with borderline until last month so didn't know invalidation was so bad). Every time we set a plan, that we'll get couples counseling, met family, that I'll come to see her for a month so long distance isn't the issue etc, she sabotages the situation. Moving forward is impossible for her because it means the relationship will progress toward a future and that terrifies her. So we've been stagnant if not moving backwards. But I was willing to forgive the past because we were essentially stabbing in the dark, now I know it's borderline I was optimistic we had a direction

I told her about DBT last weekend and she said she'd try it if that's what it was going to take. then she googled that it was related to borderline and got quiet as she processed that. Honestly she took it like a champ. I told her it's just a framework, a direction toward proven therapy for people with developmental trauma and abandonment issues. I recommended she talk to her old therapist first hand to find out more as obviously i can't diagnosis her. And that was the plan we set. Then this weekend happened. She accused me again of flirting with a friend at a party (whose boyfriend, a very good friend of mine, was there). my girlfriend wasn't there!. And that erupted into her breaking up with me and this time I didn't stop it so it became 3 days of endless abuse over WhatsApp. I know she doesn't mean it and I try very hard to not take it personally. This time I told her i'm not responding to abuse attacks and she spent 3 days trying to get a rise out of me, I didn't allow it. But also because I"m not fighting back, she is sensing it's really over, I don't care enough to fight and going into Uber abuse.

So if I may, I have a few questions... .
1) are any non-BP partners who are actually happy? In all my reading I have yet to find any positive postings from non-BP partners who are happy. I've read from BP's that say their partners have it hard but they're happy (but never heard it from the partner). I've read from ex-partner and current partners that say get out immediately. But I haven't heard from anyone saying, "yea it's a ride but it gets better." or "she/he did the work, recovered and now life is good". Do those people exist?
BPD is such a broad spectrum so I every post I've read involves someone talking about suicide etc so it's hard for me to gauge if my girlfriend is already well on her way to recovery and just needs the final step of dedication and DBT (still going to take a few years) to finish the long journey she's been on. And if I should be there to help it along or if I'm the problem, should step back and let her do it on her own and hope for the best down the road if our paths every cross again.


2) As her trigger, can I be her support?
I am currently her only trigger. She doesn't flip out at anyone else. She's used to do everything on her own. She very much is an "island"; she has friends but the closest ones are in a different country. When we take a break, she is quite happy. She says she misses me a lot and during the break we're not technically single but we communicate a lot less and I'm not there to trigger these fears/anger. Out of site out of mind she says. When she does get into an episode, it's at me, not about work or anything else and during those moments she doesn't respect me, at all. Even when we're doing well she doesn't really value my advice when it comes to dealing with the long distance, dealing with things she doesn't like, getting help etc. When we are in person, we typically have a great time, she's very rational, we can talk about the fights, she says it's not really about me, it's about her past but after a few days she gets stir crazy and needs her space. There is still so much resentment toward me. Obviously I can't know what she's going through but I am trying to be as supportive and trying to be her center for when she can't find it. but I'm failing. 

3) or is she better off getting help without me to derail the progress. So far whenever we are together, we agree she'll get help, and then it gets derailed because I'm the one with the problem not her, i'm manipulative etc (you've heard it all before I'm sure)

4) What is recovery? She's not suicidal, she's not self-harming. She just lashes out and is terrified of trusting someone. I only met her 2 years after her divorce and that's usually not enough time for someone whose been cheated on to get over it (let alone someone with 30 years of abandonment issues). So can she learn to control her emotions and let love in (obviously with the caveat she does the work)? She's seems to be on the 'good' extreme of the spectrum, but is that the best people on the other end of the spectrum achieve more?

Thank you. I know i'm verbose (need to fix that if I ever plan on being helpful to her) but I hope someone can help shed a little perspective on our situation.

Hi there *welcome*

There are no easy answers and generalization doesn't work well. I tend to think that successful couples are too tired of the fight to keep posting and being involved in the BPD circles. They want to leave it behind and look ahead. That's a positive thought about the lack of happy news. The truth is we get used to good things quick, and we find new things to complain about, and not many people can say "I'm happy". When you get a new computer, you are happy about how fast it is compared with the old one, in a couple of weeks, it seems as slow as can be, and it irritates you.

I read that recovery is not a metamorphosis, it's not a radical change. Everything is gradual and it is a marathon. You are gonna feel there is still work to do even if you already walked a long way. There is a saying "How do you know if your work is done? If you are alive, it means the work is not done yet" It takes real commitment, and to view things in a very different way. It's a pitty that the ones that say "stay away from BPD people" are so loud, we know this is not for everyone, but we don't need more discouragement, not the pwBPD more stigma and critizism.

You have known for a very short time, your reality is still shaking up. It does get better. The question is how much you want to make it work. If it is less than a 100%, you have to think about it. The good times mean a lot when you have fought for them with real hard work. And it is not so much a hard word, but to look at things under a new light. To take control of your EGO and your emotions, and be more present in your life. So you are not only working to improve your relationship, but you grow as a person. If I were you, I will give it more time, and keep learning and sharing your experience.

In my case we know I'm the biggest (Almost only) trigger that makes her disregulate beyond sanity, we also know it's not my fault, and that I don't do anything out of the ordinary, nor mean, or rude. It is just the place you occupy what couses trouble for her. This can diminish, the more you learn.

You can help yourself, help the couple, and help her. But you are not her therapist. Many times you will have to step back and let her get out of situations you could only make worse if you were to intervene. Again, the more you learn, the more you know your place. You can't have the responsibility of "saving" her, you love her, you support her, you listen to her... .But she needs to get better herself. You need to be very patient.

Don't have much time, I hope this sounds good to you.

Good luck!

Thank you JoeBPD81 for the insight and advice. Much appreciated. I do need to grown more and I do need to learn to keep my ego in check. I'm just having a hard time with the reality twisting. When we have great times and then all of a sudden they become negative memories I feel hopeless. But I get that it's new and I haven't adapted yet.

Anyways thank you very much for your perspective.