BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I'm very new to this board but have already been received so warmly and have started to feel like there are others who are experiencing the same things in dealing with a BPD spouse.  Thank you!  Now that I know I'm not crazy,  I feel like I'm in my own recovery mode.  So I'm trying to take better care of myself.  My question to you all is:

What are some of the things you do to take good care of yourself AND what do you do or say when BPD spouse demonstrates resistance when you do?

For example, if I want to go to the gym, meet a girlfriend for coffee, go to the library... .anything for leisure just for me, he may demonstrate signs such as feeling abandoned, no matter how much I tell him ahead of time the who, what, where, and when details.  I feel so cut off from the people and things I used to enjoy and I need that dimension to my life.  Sheez, if my phone pings with a text message, he may say quickly "Who's texting you?"

SO, what do you do to take care of yourself, and how do you handle resistance to it from your BPD loved one?  Ready? Go!... .

Taking care of oneself varies person to person, I'd suppose; however, I work out; I spend time with my animals; I spend time with friends; I watch action movies or comedies; I spend time with my kids and grandkids.

What I don't do is talk about my marriage. It doesn't make me feel any better unless I'm in crisis, but if I'm not in crisis, I focus on myself and what makes me happy. Luckily, I have friends who make me laugh. I have 5 sister who make me laugh. I have nephews, grand nephews. I work on getting the energy light again when I go out.

As far as what my H says: right now, he's not talking to me. Tomorrow, maybe he will and maybe he won't. I am learning not to personalize what he does. The problem with not personalizing his behavior is that I realize I don't really exist for him, except as someone who can mirror him, tell him he's great, and take him to his various doctors' appointments.

Truly, I mean it when I say that I don't exist as a separate person for my H, and it is critical that I get with people for whom I do exist.

Good luck!

TMD

My social life used to be a very big deal in our house. Now, it's almost a non-existent issue.

Staying social and doing things outside the house is so important. If not, it's easy to begin to feel isolated and alone. Having other relationships can be very triggering to our pwBPD. They worry that you will like them better or meet someone else, etc.

Here's what I do and it seems to work relatively well:

When a friend wants to go to coffee or dinner, or just have a girls night, I let him know about a week ahead of time. I start the conversation about him though. I validate his rejection before he even gets to feel rejected. So the conversation might go like this:
"Friend asked me if we could go to dinner at (restaurant) on Thursday evening. I want to make sure you and I have time together on Thursday evening so if I could leave the restaurant by 8 we could spend the rest of the evening together. Does that night work for you?" Usually at this point he will have some questions, so I need to know those answers ahead of time, such as what restaurant, who will be there, am I going to be drinking, etc. I have to be honest here because if not he will pick up on any hesitation.

A couple days before the event, I remind him of it and again remind him about my promise to spend time with him after. (Usually I'll even offer to stay up a little later than my usual bedtime and this helps him feel important to me because I value my bedtime).

The day of the event, I remind him again that morning and mention that he will be on his own for dinner.

After I get home, he will have a lot of questions for me. Here is the key: I can't make it sound like I had an amazing time but I can say it was fun and I enjoyed myself. He will ask for some details. I've found that if I share a negative aspect about the evening first, he is much more accepting of my being gone, such as "Friend was 10 minutes late or the food was bland". I share some moments from the evening, but again, nothing too exciting because he will begin to worry that I would rather be with friends than with him. I direct the focus to being ready to spend the rest of the evening with him. And he is more than happy to get my attention.

Another important thing is that my conversation has to be confident and casual. If I get nervous about telling him about the event or my answers when I get home, then he picks up on it and becomes suspicious. He can tell I'm walking on egg shells. Ad even though my nervousness is more about his response, he views it as me wanting to hide something to him. I practice how to say everything ahead of time. This way of handling things has worked so well for me that I meet with friends at least once a week now. It's been great.

Wow, these are very helpful tips.  I can definitely see how making it a rule not to discuss the BPD/marriage issues when out with friends would really help.  For me it help me fully be mindfully present and not ruminate on my own frustrations.  Thanks for that!  I also like the way to prep the BPD spouse with an intended activity, and making sure to validate them first.  Awesome.  Downplaying the positive aspects of the outing would seem to be good here too, and being honest about plans... .oh yes, of course.  One little slip there and it's the doghouse of anger and suspicion.  I need to find the balance between honesty and not feeling personally violated and annoyed by having to extract every teeny tiny detail.  Thanks everyone! 

Tattered Heart nailed it here. Thank you so much for writing this out. It makes me feel less crazy... .But this is really what it takes. I have done this sort of stuff myself, but reading it out like this... .Oh, I can't tell you how important it is. It takes a lot of validation. You give me hope of having a social life again. Mine has mostly collapsed. I am in a small village and have no contacts, but I want to again. Thanks for posting this kind of discussion and taking the time to share.

Being around others is so important to me. I am a natural introvert so I tend to be a home body, but being at home is just SO stressful. My friends, church, and other activities have been a life saver for me. It gets me out of a toxic environment, even if just for a few hours. I have people I can share my troubles with. It's taken years, but I just disclosed my H BPD to a couple more friends. Having these friends reminds me that I always have a place to go in the event I ever need to leave the house.

Being isolated skews how you see the world. It prevents you from seeing avenues of stress release that may be there for you. It gives you outside perspective. It's not an easy road to get there and it took ALOT of fights and practice on how to find the right balance. We had a lot of set backs too.

I hope you can find a way that works for you to get your relational needs met. It can be done. It just take persistence in making it a priority and finding what helps your pwBPD not feel so alone while you are gone.

Wow!  Toomanydogs nailed it for me.  I took interest in your post, because I am just now learning, in part, from this website, that taking MY time helps keep me "sane," gives me some relief, and better prepares me for working with my BPDw.  When I have done a little rejuvenating, I am more open, and able to deal with her issues without feeling drained before I even get started.  Whatever your interests, you should try and fit them into your schedule.  Friends (and this is important) who know something of what you are dealing with, who can encourage you, are very important to me.  Having friends that you can get together with, where you can talk about things outside of your personal life are also very important.  It's called our distraction.  

Talking with your BPDh about taking time is the tricky part.  For me, I know that anything which might set her off about my doing my own thing, is rooted in abandonment issues, fear of being neglected, and a sense of not loving her.  So when I let her know about some time I'm going to take with a friend, for example,  I try to give her plenty of notice... .days in advance for instance.  then I remind her that I love her, WE are going to be OK,  And I will be back at a given time.  Each day, I remind her of my plans, so when the day arrives, She is not taken off guard.  I have just started being able to take time on my own.  I have found it super helpful.  It's been nearly a year that her borderline has been inflamed.  

Now to THE Wow point... .I have learned to not take "it" personally when My BPDw starts in on name-calling-hate mongering of me, and telling me how horrible I am... .Most days, I feel like I don't exist in her world... .I am just the target for the dart throwing, or the one who does things for her.  This relationship is not two people working on one life together, this is one person throwing darts at a target and using the other for their help.  I am learning... .I am responsible for MY well being.

I know... .We are all waiting for our pwBPD to be responsible for their well being.  I must remember that I am not responsible for HER well being.

In the meantime, I won't be mean.  I wont be condescending, or rude, or invalidating... .I will be validating, loving, caring, and helpful... .And I can do this on my terms.  It's called setting boundaries.  That is my continued challenge.