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I managed to do it again.  There was issue with a bill.  I had to buy a couple things so I dipped into the credit card payment.  He asked about the payment, I said I'm only doing x amount of dollars instead of this amount.  He got upset.  Rightfully so.  Said he was done being nice, how I'm lying with something that doesn't even matter, how he wasn't going to be with someone like me, how he didn't dragged himself out of the gutter to he with trash.  This isn't about what he did wrong.  I messed up.  I don't know why I just didn't tell him.  I'm mad at myself, because it seems whenever things are going good, I pull something stupid and mess things up. 

I don't know why I keep telling half truths or thinking something will be okay, when I really know it's not.  Even worse, this behavior, clashing with a BPD... Very toxic combination.  Sometimes I just want to stop trying and just accept that I probably will never regain his trust with the rate I'm going.  I love him.  He mean everything to me and I don't want to keep doing stuff that even to me doesn't make sense... Guess we all have our issues... .

Hi Frankee, I don't know your whole backstory, but I am wondering if you didn't tell the whole truth because you were afraid of the reactions of your BPD partner and were trying to avoid a problem by doing so? Am I off about this?

I know it is hard when we make mistakes. But you are doing well. You recognize the mistake and you don't deny you did it. Don't beat yourself up too hard over it. Acknowledge it, make it right, but no one should throw cruel insulting words at you ever, okay? I don't like lying either, it really goes against my nature, but I find that after being with a person with BPD I am going against my nature more and more. It is a lot of pressure and psychologically extreme for nons. It is not easy! I probably omit more things than I should at times and have definitely been pushed over the edge by all of this. But I refuse to hate myself. I was pulled into a giant pool of confusion and I have worked my butt off to make sense of it and survive. Now I understand better what I am facing and am working hard to stay healthy and be myself, the self I knew before this all started.

Take time, sort yourself out, but move forward okay? You can change yourself (if need be) and be okay on that front, okay? :) 

As pearl suggests, avoidance is a result of fear of consequence.  it is common when dealing with someone who is over reactive, so dont guilt yourself too much.

It is also likely that he will have outbursts like this anyway. The trigger can vary, if it wasn't this then it would have been something else.

When things blow up, just avoid feeding into it and let it blow over and deal with the damage after. Dont get trapped into the cycle of endless apologising or you may have more blame dumped on you than you deserve.

Thank you for the kind words.  Got it right though, avoiding dealing with the outbursts... Only crappy thing is that he's already told me that if I just tell him what I did, that yes he will get upset and get mad at me... But he'll get over it.  He hates lying or hiding things more than anything.  Even knowing this fact, I still find that old habits don't die very easy.  I didn't argue with him.  Tried to tell him at first why... But stopped very quickly when I knew that would be even worse. 

I find myself having to filter through information and trying to determine what is relevant to what I need to tell him and when.  Learned very fast that if I have not good news, I have to wait until the right moment... Kind of like waiting for the moment to tell someone a loved on died (may sound extreme, but that's what it feels like).

The part where you mentioned getting back to your old self before all this, I have the same feelings.  The woman I was when we met, is not the woman I am today... Not in a good way.  The strong, confident, doesn't care if you like me or not, conquer all woman has seem to take a leave of absence.  Now I feel that I deserve the punishment when I mess up.  It's hard.  He does have outbursts towards me that I didn't provoke.  I'm working on standing up for myself when those moments happen because I don't have guilt weighing me down.

I know another big problem is validation.  I have a issue with rejecting his absurd accusations right away without taking time to find the hidden meaning... The feelings at the core.  I know not to validate the invalid, but I could probably be more understanding on why he feels the way he does in certain things.

There will always be a mismatch between what he preceives you should tell him and what simply having honest values means you should tell him. His perception is most likely bottomless and invalid. Dont attempt to fill a bottomless pit

Make sure it is your values that are driving your decisons and not purely being bullied.

I agree with that.  There are times very I just say forget it and say what I need to say instead of worrying about his response.  Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not.  He likes to use "always" and "never" when sometimes goes wrong.  I once said delicately that those words are strong and I don't feel I "always" mess up or "never" do what you ask. 

I did kind of mess up today.  I miscalculated how much money I was supposed to pay and have to fix it later on.  I get it.  I will take responsibility when I mess up... but it didn't stop there.  It was a snowball affect... then he accused me of throwing away his cigarettes because I cleaned the car a bit... then his pin for his card he left in the house (even though I left the paper in his wallet... so he got mad saying he couldn't get anything to drink or eat because he had no money (which he can use his card without the pin)... but he blew up saying I never do what he asks and I always do something different and so f*ing frustrating.  On the upside, he did apologize for yelling and did say he's trying to work on his anger and he loved me... (kind of threw me for a loop).  He even hugged me this morning when he woke up.  That may seem insignificant to a lot of people, but the way things have been... that hug that he initiated almost made me cry.  He hasn't done that in a long time... or apologized for yelling.  Heck, the other day he said he was going to blame me every time he had to yell.

I guess anyone in these situations knows the emotional roller coaster.  I really hope he is going to work on his anger like he says.  I know there are things I want to work on, not for him, but myself.  I will try to be patient and understanding.  I asked the same for him.  That and time.  He still says cruel mean things.  It's hard not to get sucked in to his whirlwind of emotions and get angry back.  Hopefully it will get better.

 

I think a lot of that is just projecting his anger, the fact that it seems to have no real focus but simply hangs on anything that comes to hand seems to reinforce that possibility.

His show of affection I guess is him fleetingly realising that he knpws that is what he is doing, but the emotion is that strong that he cant stop it.

Its a case of putting on your teflon suit and let it slide by without giving much reason for any of it to stick

Another bad day.  Revolving around payments.  An automatic payment went through but since was "pending" our product was locked and he couldn't practice his Rosetta stone.  Was told... I just can't stand to see someone trying to better themselves so I sabotaged it.  Since "I" paid for it... It's my fault he wasn't able to use it and I had to figure out.  A prepaid card hard a monthly service fee which I didn't know the date the fee was going to be paid.  So another automatic payment that didn't go through he blew up because he gave me enough money (just for payment, not fee).  Both items got paid.  The second one said I could add to next month and I confirmed Rosetta stone was paid, just waiting for it to process.

This led to him having an utter meltdown .  saying I wasn't allowed to touch the money anymore because I always come up short or mess something up with his payments.  Told me not to ask for anything because his brother in law bought x amount of dollars of food and that should be enough for 5 people.  I can't say that because our baby is eating normal food, it's adding to it... That would be me blaming the baby and he'd get pissed.

This led on to him ranting about how for the past month he's been complaining about how I'm doing everything wrong.  Wiped my board clean of all my coming up payments and past paid ones stating that this is what the board looks like to me because I can't do anything right.  Asking if I knew basic math since I always seem to have money missing.  And the time he went to jail I almost lost the house because I asked the landlord for a payment arrangement because I was short on rent.  Even though I ran the whole house by myself and still took care of his commissary, phone payments, and trying to obtain an out of state lawyer to get his sorry ass out of jail, while majority of the time I was being yelling at and getting blamed for letting him rot and not getting him out.

I may be ranting, but I must.  I have this unbearable weight on my chest right now where I feel like I am suffocating and I can't shake this horrible feeling that this is it, I can't take the pain anymore and looking for something to release the pain that isn't very healthy thoughts.   I feel numb, empty, angry, hurt, lost... .People don't understand certain things until the experience it first hand.  I'm having a hard time functioning, let alone take care of my two boys.  I don't want them near me, I don't want to be touched or talked to.  I feel hopeless and utter devastated.  This is not what I signed up for and I am starting to feel I'm not going to last.  I'm scared... Frozen... .Trapped.  I feel these emotions may be temporary, I hope.  I just needed to get them out before they festered in my mind and I did something I regretted. 

I too have lied to keep from being yelled at by BPD wife. Also I forget who I am dealing with and try to explain why I forgot something or why I did things a certain way. It always makes things worse. I might as well tell her I forgot to put the trash out for collection... period. I want to be that kind of person... .but survival habits kick in... so I lie or justify.

Survival instincts... I agree.  I actually have to mentally prepare myself to be yelled at or possibly be yelled at.  Sometimes he take me off guard.  He was just I'm a bad mood today.  Got angry because said I didn't know how to drive in bad rain and took his truck.  Then how he hated my phone because my emergency alerts woke him up...

Then when I said our oldest school is closed till Thursday, he shot back with... Don't believe what everyone says.  I was little baffled and stated that I wasn't and I actually looked it up on the school website and saw the dates.  Should of been fine with that right... Nope... Says stupid stuff about he doesn't believe me, why would they close when the storms are supposed to move out Monday, how did he know I wasn't looking at a website from 5 years ago, and how I need to talk to someone and not believe the stupid Internet all the time... .  Think my jaw dropped... Even when I said, because the dates were correct and so was the year and it was an update from the storm... .Still didn't believe me.  At that point I dropped it because I knew he was saying that to bait me into arguing and was just in one of his moods.

I even called him out on it.  When he said he hated my phone, I asked what I did wrong today?  Nothing, he tried to revert back to before.  I even said that all I did was walk through the door and he was just mad at me... Then carried on about he's always mad, because he harbors deep resentment for me for lying for 2 years straight, that all of this is on me, he can't think of anyone else he is mad at so it must be me, how he wishes I could be normal but then said how I act like everyone else so he doesn't know,  how I treated him just like his mother who abandoned him and lied to him and every other woman and man... .I mean... wow... .I just... Don't even know where to start in arguing with all of this.  So I get mad and we end up arging, which I hate because he is so dang stubborn.  He feels how he feels and nothing I say will change it.  Even when I feel I'm making headway and doing good, it's like it gets cancelled in his head because of the "bad" I've done...

So tired.  He then texts apologizing and says he knows he needs to work on his angry, etc etc... I can deal with the anger, but the constant blame is really starting to get to me.