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Radical acceptance that we can't change others, only ourselves and how we react,

Its long drawn out saga that comes with each and every sad story. It's all part of the BPD territory. It's complex, devastating and full of grief. Ultimately, it comes down to improving our own skills, confidence, boundaries and living our own lives.

I could do with working on the tools but I don't want to. Im tired. Importantly, I may have wandered into indifference and that's not good. Radical acceptance is where I'm at.

My DS26 is an addict, he has no intention of even reducing, he doesn't appear to be committed to therapy. He bumbles around with money and only manages because he isn't paying tax or market rate rent.

We know we cannot continue to enable him and his choices. Hes got himself off Valium and sees himself as "I've done so well, I'm doing great". His stability is tenuous. He is functioning but only just. His life revolves around skunk and it's a costly habit. There's always a reason or an excuse why he can't do something. His feet firmly stuck in the ground, no being his favourite answer, avoidance, reluctance. It's infuriating.

Don't get me wrong, as a family we've come a very long way. We have a much better relationship because of the skills I've learnt here. We are happier, despite the problems. My DS has improved so much and I don't forget that. We love him and will be there to emotionally support him.

I need to enforce boundaries and limits. I'm avoiding it. Why? To be honest, I think I may have given up. My own twisty manipulative mind gives this as an answer but the truth is I don't have the guts or the backbone or the will. This will remain until my suffering gets too much or there's yet another crisis.

I'm taking my own advice and taking real care of myself. Enjoying my life as best I can. I'm avoiding a challenging conversation that has to happen. We are at stalemate and will remain so until I make a move.

I ready to blow up and just keeping the lid on. With his super sonic super power senses he knows there's something bubbling!

Take good care of yourselves everybody.

LP

Ps. Reminder to myself : google "how to grow a backbone"

Hi LP 

I hear and feel your frustration, you are tired which is of no surprise to anyone here after all the hard work you've invested and great changes you have made these past couple of years. It's ok to have 'time out, rest bite', can you give yourself permission to do so while the therapist continues to tackle the King of Avoidance (DD's therapist told her she is the Queen of Avoidance). We have Kings and we have Queens.

Or ... .if you can muster the energy can you share with us the challenging conversation you are avoiding, what does it look like LP?

It's better out than in and this is a safe space to have that a blow out, if you feel up for it. I call it me getting unstuck.

WDx   

Edit: PS - our kids are so perceptive to our feelings, aren't they? PPS Thanks for the shout out, I found your backbone on google, she's on e-bay of all things  , she says she's on vacation, on the waters painting across the ocean in Florida! She'll be back and is waiting patiently for you to put your legendary big boots back on, bless her :) :) :) :) :) About to pull my socks up which is pretty impossible when it's summer and I'm not wearing them 

I think we all hit a wall at some point. You can only deal with these issues while you have the will and energy. When you run out of both, and the 'glass' can only hold a certain amount, you need to step back and recoup... .rejuvenate, until you are ready to go at it again. No one can say that you haven't tried, done your absolute best, to help your son. Take time for yourself. Everyone else around, as well as yourself, will thank you.

Hi Lollypop,

I am so sorry for how hard it is to deal with this illness.  You have gone above and beyond for your son.  I so understand that tired (exhausted!) feeling.  Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. 

Our biggest obligation in life should be to ourselves... .  I know it is hard, if not impossible, for us moms to do that.  I feel a hypocrite just saying it, as it is something I have yet to actualize myself even though I do believe it to be the truth.  I hope you can take time to put yourself first, Lollypop.

I wish you peace of mind.  You are the best mother your son could ask for. 

MomMae 

Oh my dearest dear!  I hear your pain.  It feels so unfair that our hardest efforts and energy meet with such a weak response.  I have been there so often.  Everything about this mental illness is frustrating, counter-intuitive and a lot of other things (expletives deleted!).  Take time out, try to live your life outside of this horrible conundrum and then, when you are ready, get your fists up, ready to fight another day.  Your love for your son shines bright.  You are an inspiration.  Your son is so, so lucky to have you.  Maybe one day he will realize it.

   

I meant to add that you are also dealing with a very strong addiction.  This makes it so much harder to deal with.  Maybe zero tolerance is the only answer!  But then, what do I know?   

Hello Lollypop!

In the time I have participated on this forum I have read your posts and have given my head a shake so many times.  You've been to hell and back... .like so many of us... .you are "weathered."  

Reading the responses you are getting from your recent post is heart-warming.  :)on't we all want/need to be validated... .and you are getting that here.  It is dicey to give anyone advice  because we really don't walk in their shoes... .but we can listen (read) and be sounding boards, letting that person work out what they feel is best for themselves.

I've used the term "roller coaster ride" a few times in my postings and living with a child (or other loved one) with BPD (or any other kind of mental illness) is indeed that.  First and foremost for us Moms is that they are our children... .our babies. You, Lollypop, DO have a backbone... .it is just that darned umbilical cord.  It is never really severed, is it?  

It is hard to draw that line in the sand if, in knowing when we do so, there is a chance we may lose them... .one way or another.  I guess that is the definition of "tough love"... .a love that is needed when dealing with our "special children."

After many, many years of escalating verbal abuse from our daughter, we have drawn that line-in-the-sand and it cannot/will not (!) be erased.   Our next meeting has to be in a counsellor's office.  She is adamant that will never happen (reality too much for her to handle?) so we may never have a relationship with her again.  I feel sad for us... .but I feel even sadder for her.  I admit, though, to being mad at her... .really mad!  That gives me strength to carry on with what I know has to be done.

I write at times with bravado but every now and then the ground beneath me shakes.  I have to keep reminding myself that, because of our advancing age and the frailness that comes with it, this has to be done... .now.  On with life... .and life is what you make it!

So, Lollypop, you talk-the-talk and you DO walk-the-walk.  "Radical acceptance that we can't change others, only ourselves and how we react."  A quote from you... .and ain't that the truth!  Any change that you make in your script leaves no choice but for the others in your life to change theirs.  Think of it... .that's power!

Whatever steps you might decide to take, Lollypop, I'm sure will be well-thought-out.  Look in the mirror and smile at that beautiful but battle-scarred person you see.  Give her a pep-talk.  She has been through a lot and she really is so much stronger because of it.  She needs a hug... .and here is one (--) from me.   ; ))

 

Thank you, each and everyone. I forgot the power of being fully validated. I do indeed feel better.

Big girly boots are at least now put in the front of the cupboard waiting.

Yesterday I fleetingly thought about WDs suggestion. What does my conversation with my DS look like. I immediately realised that there are two versions. One version that I want to say that is just an expletive rant.

The other takes effort and planning and timing. I just don't have the energy.

Rant. I'm doubting whether I can post this and feel I may get into trouble as it's just so very negative,

"Have you even noticed that your Dad cut the hedge yesterday? He stopped his work and cut it because he knew I was sick and tired waiting for you. It's been four months, xxxxing FOUR months and you knew I couldn't walk at the side of the house with out getting wet. Despite polite reminders and gentle nudges plus the very obvious 13ft hedge, what are you xxxxing blind? I even sent you that text five weeks ago and told you quite clearly, get your xxxx into xxxxing gear and get it done. You know that I can't afford to pay to get it done. I know you're unwell, I know you're feeling anxious AGAIN! But stuff still has to get done. Life has to go on. You're a tree surgeon for xxxxt's sake! I told you last year that I was never, ever going to cut that hedge again. I've two strong young and fit men in this house and I just can't physically do it. We've bent over backwards for you recently. You call me on your way to get your training assessment about your car breaking down and I give up a whole day driving you to Wiltshire so you could attend. We helped you try and get your car running. When you need xxxxing help you think you can just call up and we come running. Clearly, when it's me needing help you just don't give a xxxx. Dad gave up his Saturday for you to deal with the car collection while you worked. You know the police would charge you for removing it. He was doing you a favour.  You're so inconsiderate and selfish because you won't do anything at all for us. I can't quite believe your audacity to ask me for £2.50 because you went to buy some bread when we've done all this and also lent you £300 so that you could replace your car. We even took you over there so you sort it out. And you come to me a day late with your rent and then you deduct xxxxing £2.50 because you bought some bread? Unxxxxing believable. You've got a nerve and I've had it with you. It's time you left and tried to make it in your own. I want you to pay me what you owe and sort out your living arrangements. I've had enough of you and your behaviour. After all we've done and you treat us like xxxx. You're a selfish xxxxxxx and I want you to xxxx right off and leave me alone. I'm sick to death of you skulking around, you doing barely nothing in the house to help, whoever you go there's a trail of mess and dirt. Good luck to your old xxxx buddy in coping with you, maybe she can sort you out. I certainly can't. You've even lapsed on your therapy which I was XXXXing paying for. You simply don't want to get yourself well. You don't ever want to get off drugs, you just want to do the bare minimum. You constantly whinge and moan about your anxiety and don't listen - let me tell you again THAT XXXXING SKUNK IS CAUSING IT!  CAN YOU HEAR ME? It's really time you left.

There, it's out.

Polite reminder to oneself: we are all trying our very best, we can all try a little harder. That phrase makes me feel sick.

I've allowed myself to get to this point because I've left my DS to live his own life while he walked all over mine.

I'm done with it.

Thanks for reading. I apologise for the content.

Huat: I wish you were my mum ❤️

Have a great day everybody. I'm exploring collage.

LP

Oh - thank goodness!  I was beginning to wonder if you were actually human and now I know you are.   Happy collaging!   

oh, Lollypop, I am so glad you wrote out that rant that I am sure so many of us on here can totally relate to!  I feel your frustration as it totally echoes mine with my DD20.  All of us doing so very much for her, all of the time, and her giving nothing in return.  I don't understand it.  How can people surrounded by so much love, help and compassion not be at least a tiny bit grateful... . 

This is a terrible illness to deal with.  We have to be patient and understanding yes, but we are human too.  I have a quote on my fridge that says ":)on't take people for granted. No matter how much they love you, people get tired eventually."  Ain't that the truth? 

I hope you have a better day today.  MM 

The saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" holds true.  It is a release of tension... .a re-fuelling of the spirit.  Sadly, under difficult circumstances, that "medicine" is sometimes next to impossible to find.

With all that said, reading Lollypop's "rant" unearthed a smile for me... .then a chuckle.

Now... .on with life!  Go, Girl!  ; ))

Big hugs to you LP and guess what ... .You fully deserve to rant ! I want to shout and scream obscenities ,  name call and call my DD out for so many things, it actually drives me nuts to hold it all in , and it's actually not healthy . I think I mentioned this is in another thread but when i need to rant , I do it in the car while driving ! Yep ! I'm sitting behind the wheel and I literally have the whole conversation out there , shouting it ! Everything I REALLY want to say gets spewed out , and I'll have music blasting while I'm doing it too ! It's a right rammy going on in my car ! But I always feel better for just getting it out there . Even though I'm sure I must look absolutely bonkers to the other road users as I tend to rant with my hands too !

Hi Lollipop,
Thank you for your RANT. I found it incredibly therapeutic to read. I although the details different I feel exactly the same about my daughter 26 DD however I never say it to her... .one positive of this illness is I have developed amazing self-control and patience. However maybe we should be more honest? Are we pampering our children too much? I am currently in Bali and I can feel my outlook changing. The young adults working in our hotel and as our drivers are charming, capable Support their families and work 10 hour days without complaint. I am aware not everything is always as it seems but my daughter CANNOT hold a job for more than a few months and is SO negative about it everything it wears me
Down. These young people have nothing yet get so much from their families etc. this anger and frustration I feel has made me determined not
To let my DD26 ruin this holiday for me as she normally does. Lollipop I liked your RANT idea and might try it tonight to get my frustrations out!

Saat:
My DS told me after he went to Thailand and seeing life there that when he was little and fell over I should have just told him to get up, not pander to him. His words not mine.

My DS has limitations and daily challenges. I don't regret one single day of the last 20 months. Focussing on our relationship and slowly getting him to learn how to manage his finances has worked for us. I do not give him any money. As he's now working regularly (because he has to) I know that he's capable of repaying small loans (this is part of me teaching, him learning to manage his money). This has brought confidence to all of us. Of course, if he needed money he should get a loan - I maybe should have stepped back and said "your problem". What parent doesn't give a hand up (as long as it's not a hand out)?

My Mantra has been "everything he should do himself, he should do himself". This is truth but I've needed to be flexible at times depending on what's going on. I honestly don't believe we'd be where we are without me trying to balance support/patience.

I've stood back and let him live, providing emotional support. I manipulated/manoeuvred him into therapy in the hope with an external influence he'd see the light about his drug use. It hasn't worked, unsurprisingly. The fact is the only thing that sticks is if he decides on something. He needed me to stop giving him money.

He needs me to get him to live independently. He doesn't want it. There's always a good reason not to (this time it's because it'll take him 5 weeks to clear the debt and he then wants to buy a new saw and that will take him another month at least. At that point, practically, he'll have achieved his own goals. I can predict though that by that time he'll have another challenge that's thrown him into a depressive or anxious period. There's never a right time. By delaying, I'm just keeping him in this state of dependency.

It's time I stood firm and took action. There's my h to deal with though as he's full of internal conflict.

Thanks everybody for your kindness and wisdom.

I look forward to reading the rants. Yep's idea is great though! I didn't have fun writing mine, it came with tears!

Onwards we go. Take very good care of yourselves, that should be our main priority always. I forgot that.

Hugs

LP

WD

ideas

"You're doing so great and I feel it's time to talk about a plan for you to find yourself your own place to live. I understand that this may cause you anxieties but we can work through it together. You won't regret this step once it's been made and, at nearly 27, it's time for you to try your next step. Think about what I've said over the next few days and we'll talk again next week. Always remember we love you and are here for you for guidance and emotional support whenever you need it".

Comments please.

LP

Hello again, Lollypop:

Only you know your situation, but to me that sure sounds like a good conversation to have with your... .27-year-old son. You are displaying no anger.  You are validating the work he has done to help himself and you are showing confidence in his ability to continue that work.  You are not abandoning him.

Think about it.  You and your husband are not going to be around forever.  One way or another, at some point in time, your son is going to be on his own.  Fact!  Right now life has you in the position where you are young enough and have the energy to help him with this transition.

My husband and I are soon to celebrate our 55th Wedding Anniversary and sometimes I wonder how we made it this far because many, many times we just were not on the same page when it came to dealing with our children.  They would sense that and often would try to work that to their advantage (GRRRRRR!).  Not healthy family dynamics for sure!

I wish you well, Lollypop!  For some parents it seems to be an effortless job to get their "fledglings" out of the nest and flying on their own.  Not so with us other parents, huh?  (Sigh!)

Hey there LP

I'm on catch up ... .been a bit distracted myself (in a non BPD way).

This is great LP, it's reassuring, loving and honest - it's centred and places the responsibility with your  DS.

You mention earlier DS and therapy - what's happening there LP?

WDx

Hi WD

Thanks for the feedback. I've been away so haven't yet spoken to DS, I will though.

The therapist went away on holiday for 1 session, DS had a course then the following week car trouble. Fourth week there was an email interchange and DS didn't like her tone as she questioned his commitment. She said she couldn't hold his weekly session time any longer and when (if) he was was ready to contact her and rearrange.

So last week was missed  and he is working all this week.  He's did 5, missed 5.

Thevtherapy isn't talking therapy so he doesn't work on issues. Somatic experiencing is about the body, nervous system and the way the body deals with anxiety. I don't know more than that because he kept the content of the sessions to himself apart from his 2nd appointment and we talked briefly.

LP

Forgot to say  this is SET statement, supportive, empathic and your truth, it takes a lot of effort to work this through (first version a blooming good vent LP).

Therapy, routine is key, of course T's take hols like everyone, sounds like the T is reaching out for your DS to commit to a certain time that falls outside his work commitments (excuses) and making him responsible, as they do.

I'm wondering what your forward plan is today, what's your priority at this point.  You've worked so hard to get you DS into therapy he's yet to commit weekly - find the time that works outside his work time and take responsibility.

If you take your eye off therapy to moving out to his own place, he may jump out of therapy, very willingly - how would that sit with you?

Interested to hear from parents here, please chime in.  |iiii

WDx

Hi Lollypop

I loved reading your rant and I could definitely relate to it myself, and I'm sure most other parents on here could too.

You are so caring and in tune to your son's needs, he is so lucky to have you there for him

I personally think that WD has a very good point here regarding your priorities, difficult as it will be for you. At least while your DS is in the family home you will still have some sort of control in his life but once he's left, who knows?

I wish you all the best, trust in your instincts and go with your guts x

Hi

He is putting his financial obligations above therapy. I don't believe he's given up on therapy but I believe it's now one of the long list of things he wants to do but never will,

This situation has been caused by me by the rent increase, loan of £300 so he could get a replacement car so he could continue working and a £200 car insurance payment due today. I see his struggle but will not offer a suggestion to resolve his problem. I delayed the rent increase and asked for a weekly repayment of £50 (plus his rent). This is a lesson that needs to be learnt through better problem solving and alternative proposals by him.

His stress is further exacerbated due to relationships with two women. Not my business. His problem.

I'm holding tight. This will pass. He will look back on this 6 weeks and feel good about his financial skill.  The relationship situation will eventually end but I predict at least months of high stress. Therapy would be beneficial!

As a wider view, I know that we are hindering his personal growth by him remaining at home indefinitely.

There's only so much we can do.

I'm getting more confident thanks to this forum.

Thank you all.

LP

There's no control - he's 27 and a man, the only thing I can do is have better boundaries and limits for myself, not him.

There may be influence and this comes with having a good relationship with my DS. It's my belief that focussing on the relationship (and not resolving his problems) is the only way forwards. 

I've tried nudging and guiding. This is in between considerable periods of anxieties. I'd manoeuvred him to therapy. He can still go to therapy and we will pay but this is his decision.

I'm finally accepting that I can't change him, only he can. There has to be a motivation to change and this current situation we are in hasn't worked. When an approach isn't working then change it, that's what I need to do.

LP

Can't believe I'm writing this.  DS has announced his intention to move out as soon as he gets enough money together. Should take him 6-8 weeks.

I didn't have to have the conversation, he announced "I've some exciting news".

Fingers crossed, legs crossed, arms crossed,   :)

Hi Lollypop

What good news, I'm really pleased for you and sincerely hope all goes well.

Regarding my previous post I would just like to ask that you excuse my use of the word 'control', it was a very bad choice of word on my part. I most definitely do not advocate the practice of one person having control over another. I should have taken more time and thought a little harder about the correct word to use. I can see I still have a long way to go with my communication skills, it will be a long and bumpy road but I am determined to get there in the end. I wish you all the best x

Hi feeling better

Gosh, no apologies needed!  You posted and shared your thoughts; you cared enough and that's what's amazing.

Here we are, most probably on the other side of the world from each other reaching out. It really is the most wondrous thing.

My DS will leave home and he's going to falter, he may go no contact, he may do something very stupid, All this is in the future and all we have is today, I refuse to live my life in fear (well, today any way!).

Lets not beat ourselves up, let's do the opposite by being better friends to ourselves. We deserve it.

Thank you for being here.

LP

Wowww  C<||| C<||| :) :) :) :) :) LP I had to read that twice, what brilliant news, breakthrough  |iiii, DS announcing his exciting news he moving out ... .you are on the same waive length even if it was not obvious.

He's motivated!

Pleased as punch for you LP, doing a little jig.

Onwards we go  |---> |---> |---> |---> |---> |--->

WDx

Good for you Lollypop!  You are winning the long game!

Thinking good thoughts for his and your success :-) 

Hello Lollypop:

Stay strong, Girl!  You've done well by your son.  No guilt!  One way or another, at some point in time he is going to be out on his own... .best it happens now... .and how wonderful it is HIM who has set the wheels in motion.  Now you just have to keep those wheels moving in that direction.

Hugs to you!  ; )) 

Hi

Very timely Incadove and Huat.  Thanks everybody for your thoughtfulness and support. I'm angry.

So, he still plans on going. Yippee.

Latest announcement made today by DS. When he's in his new place he's going to be different, he won't have to smoke as much weed living in a different environment, an environment that isn't full of animosity about his choice to smoke weed. Didn't I know that he only smokes as much as he does because of how I reacted 15 years ago that has set that pattern of behaviour up in his brain?

Yes, of course! ITS ALL MY FAULT!

Yes, you calculated right. I was such a bad parent that apparently I objected to my 11 year old smoking weed. My DS's memory fails him yet again, I didn't know until he was 15.

I'm hopping mad, I didn't have a great conversation with him. He was high so there was no point. I've forgotten to use SET, validation etc.

I OFFICIALLY GIVE UP TODAY.

It's like I've been living in a different reality these last 20 months.

I'm done. I'm on count down.

LP

You go, girl!

Moving out is probably the best thing for him, as well as you, so its great that he's still planning on it.  When my dd's where about to move out there was a lot of sort of rejection and distancing, my friend who is a teacher said it happens a lot with her kids from difficult homes, that when they are about to end the school year they act out a lot more.  Like they have to reject first, so they aren't hurt by the separation. 

Not that that helps when you are getting grief after providing 27  years of support!  With my dd's moving out helped them get some perspective, one is now very principled, kind and thoughtful and just lets me know when she's feeling overwhelmed and anxious and doesn't feel up to getting together.  The other still only calls or seems to get texts when she wants something, and over time that is damaging her relationship with both my husband and myself.  I'm trying to hold her to account gently by being direct but offering support, maybe I need to read up on the tools.

But anyway once he's out for about 3-4 months and dealing with the reality of life, just maybe he will start to appreciate! 

And if not (or even if so), there are a lot of other kids out there in foster homes, group homes, schools that need support.  I do a lot of volunteering when I can find the time.  It helps me a lot, and the kids seem to appreciate it.

Let the count down continue! :-) 

I'm on the countdown with yah LP , big hugs xxx

Thank you for the support.

Today is bank holiday Monday, its glorious.

DS was the first thing I thought about today. That's a bad sign.

Incadove: I think you're right that DS is distancing himself. I'm glad.

I don't know what I was expecting to feel. A small ounce of thankfulness for giving him the opportunity to stitch his life tigether would have been appreciated. He's unable to provide that. We all know that's how it is, there's no changing it. A bit like never getting a birthday card, you learn to live with it. As Huat wisely says don't fall into that pity state of "poor, poor me. Life's so unfair!"

The forthcoming weeks will be a challenge but we're moving forwards. DS has to now save up for the deposit - I'm sorely tempted to just pay him to leave this week. Change is a strange beast but it is welcome. I never thought I'd see the day he'd go willingly. I'm grateful for that.

I'm shaking him and this feeling off. I'm focussing on having a good day for myself.

LP

Talk about escalation.

Talk about raging anger and FXXX YOU screamed in your face repeatedly.

I'm sorry everybody but I just can't do this any more. I'm not a violent person, I've never been raged at and I will not tolerate it by anybody. When told he said "what? Am I not allowed to express my raw anger?".  No, my house, my boundaries. I was furious and pushed him when he was near the top of the stairs. I know, I know. I shouldn't but he was absolutely vile. He raced back up and started his torrent as I squared up to him, nose to nose he screamed F X X X. Y O U.

Later he came back. Surprisingly. Listening to him calmly try to talk about the incident, express his feelings when he came back later trying to manipulate and twist his way back in. Everything is our fault because:

I smacked him in a car park when he was 6.
His dad told him off for saying "shut up" when he was little.
For not seeing he was stealing codeine from the medicine supplies.
For showing him up with his drug friends with something that his dad said.
For ruining his relationship with his younger brother.
For not validating him rigjt now over our bad parenting.
For the toxic environment he's got to live in.
For making him dependant upon us.
How he has to live his life in a facade with us.
He doesn't like his dad and wants no relationship.

The list goes on.

I'm done. I said my peace calmly, reminded him that he wasn't the only person that is allowed to express themselves. My H told him that he has to leave and that we will not tolerate verbal abuse - ever.

Then son complained about the way the conversation went, he didn't like the way his dad wasn't emotionally responding to him. He doesn't like that I've given up alcohol. He doesn't like that we've moved on with our lives. He wants to talk about 15 years ago and how he was mistreated because we were totally against drugs. We made him like this.

I repeat. I'm done. I'm ok. There's nothing more I can do or say. I know he can't help it, that doesn't mean that I put myself through this any longer.

We have been good parents, not perfect, his expectations of us are too much.  Everything is all about him.

There's not one ounce of gratitude. No acknowledgment of what we've tried to do. No love, only vitriol. I truly believe he's incapable at this present time. Lord help him. Ive stopped shaking but am still weepy.

Clearly, we can't do right for doing wrong.

I'm not cut out for this. I'm too sensitive. I've never been treated like this before and will not put up with it.

We all want the same thing in life; to be loved and understood. It works both ways.

LP

Blimey LP 

How shocking for you and H, I'm so sorry - that's devastating behaviour after all you've done for DS, you and H did the right thing to clearly set out what is unacceptable in your home.

With announcing his own decision to leave it's almost as if he's put you in the position of making the final decision for him, it's the only way he can see it through.

He's set his stall, he's got a lot of work to do, I hope he finds it in himself.

Staying strong with you LP - big hugs 

WDx

Hello Lollypop:

I am SO sorry all this is happening to you and your family.  You certainly have tried your best and your best at this point in time may be to expedite your son's planned departure.  You had written in a previous post "I'm sorely tempted to just pay him to leave this week."  

Hopefully the dust is settling a bit now.  Perhaps a calmer you could offer him that assistance... .pointing out that, as much as you and your husband love him... .and know that he loves you... .current living arrangements are just not working out... .for any of you... .and obviously they are not.

There is food-for-thought in Wendydarling's comment... ."With announcing his own decision to leave, it's almost as if he's put you in the position of making the final decision for him, it's the only way he can see it through."  Hmmmmm?  Could be!

My husband and I were warned that our daughter's escalating verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse.  In her last rage, the "F" bomb was released... .definitely, DEFINITELY not acceptable!  For me a corner was turned.  All of a sudden I was calm.  What followed was a feeling of confidence that I was now going to take back control and do what would need to be done to bring about change.

A recent quote I read... ."Healing is a journey... .not a destination."  With that in mind, Lollypop, know that you are never failing in your journey with your son... .just re-fuelling and re-charting your course... .but you are always moving forward.

Oh... .and once he does leave... .think about instantly redecorating his previous room... .perhaps to a "She-cave" for you... .something nice and frilly... .spa music playing in the background... .or into whatever else it is that turns your crank and gives you a smile.

((Hugs)) to ya!   ; ))

Oh LP what a nightmare , just when things were looking up   I think it sounds like he's suddenly  become so anxious and dyregulated  about the realities now of moving out . It's a huge change for him , just when he was getting very comfortable (TOO comfortable!) with his living arrangements .  I feel he knows he has to live up to his claims now that he is ready to move out and it's too much for him to process . Remember what happens when our BPD's become dysregulated , they literally cannot think straight and will look to blame others for how bad they are feeling , they will literally make all sorts of crap up to try and justify to themselves how bad they feel . Right now he's displaying the " border lion " behaviors and you cannot be hard on yourself for how you react to this , particularly because this particular behavior is new for you . We are all human and it's come as such a shock to you to have him behave in this way, not to mention how disappointed and let down you must feel , no one can prepare themselves for " reacting appropriately " when something like this goes down  .
Stay focused LP on the end goal ... to get him to move out . I'd expect a lot more blow ups coming your way as he makes this transition , let it happen , ride it out , keep your boundaries and now include within them you will not tolerate being spoken to like this. Once he's moved out and adjusts to his new life , you can focus once more on repairing your relationship again .
Lots of love to you toots xxx

Thank you all for you kindness and support.

Battle weary, licking my wounds. I'm feeling like old times.

BUT it's not old times. This forum has given me the confidence and knowledge and skills to better deal with this situation.

You make me smile sadly when you say later on we can go about working on the relationship. Maybe. That's very likely not to happen.  Right now, life's better with him not in it.

Yes, dysregulation. I didn't heed his needs. I put my need above his, my need to not put up with his obvious resentment towards us. I couldn't bear another couple of months of this behaviour. I chose to challenge him on it and he flipped. Maybe I was pushing his buttons. It's done now, He's made his feelings clear.

He popped his head around the door to test the water. Like a toddler it was all about how bad his head feels. I didn't validate. I just said "you're not the only one hurting". I find it difficult to validate any more. It's just a one way process with nothing ever in return. That's my problem; I can't do this any more.

The neighbours heard the argument. I saw one come out into her garden listening as I watch my son leave the house. I'm ashamed...

Huat, this is good advice. I'll talk to my H today.

There's a shortage of housing in my area and the landlords pick the best. The logistics of getting a place isn't necessarily simple. One step at a time.

This thread will be locked soon as it's reaching its capacity. I'll post a new thread to let you know how it's going.

Thank you for letting me vent without judgment ❤️

I completely forgot to say that my youngest son soon to be 17 said

"What? He doesn't get that his addiction is causing him any problems? Has he ever had a successful relationship? The thing is, we're doing ok aren't we? I did really well in my GCSEs, I'm doing my A'levels, you've got your course and you get As, Dads got his boat and the business is doing ok. We're ok. I can't wait for him to leave and I've not wanted him here for the last two years".  This came with the biggest hug. It's hard to have such opposite children and I understand this part of the BPD territory with the golden child.

Also, while I'm on a roll. We bought the boat as part of our focus to have a good life of our own, new interests. This has been the best thing ever and is therapy in itself, but it has to be paid for.

I'm taking better care of myself. I love wine but am overweight. I made the decision to stop drinking all together to help pay for the boat, support my younger son who is sporty and doesn't want to drink alcohol or take drugs (at the moment), show adult son it can be done and stop giving him reason to justify his own choices. I feel fantastic physically. The irony is that I've not lost one pound! So now I've started cycling. Our lives are completely altered, fulfilled.

That must be hard to witness if you are stuck in addiction. It's all we can do. Demonstrate how to live a good life. My adult son will leave and not want to witness the happy family he can't feel part of.

Signing off 

LP

Ps. I write in the hope it resonates with other members. I hope my own healing journey helps others in some way,

Hi Lollypop

Just wanted to send support and hugs - I know being treated that way is so painful!  And that you are doing absolutely the right thing by setting a firm boundary that he has to move out for treating you that way.  It does him no good to think he could do that to people, *especially* his mother!   It is a loving thing to do to insist he move out and no ifs or buts.  Taking your life back is the right thing too.  I do think things might improve some months out after he has had to take responsibility for himself.   If for practical reasons he can't move out right away, I would give him some way to work off his offense, have him do something practical, like some hours of yard work, to pay for having shouted at you like that.  Don't let him get away with it with only more emotional conversations in any case!

Good luck and thank you for all your support in the forums here!   |iiii

I think that the escalated behavior is a good sign that he needs to move out.  It will help you when he does move out and struggles to remember that if he was living with you the behavior could become dangerous.  I know this helped me.  I knew our daughter could not live with us because she just became crazy (as did I) and things got too heated.  This wasn't fair to all members of our family or the community we lived in.  She did struggle a lot when she was on her own.  But, in the end she gave up drugs, is back enrolled in college, living with us (and it is completely wonderful), and on a journey to become a better person.  I don't think it always works that way and it could certainly head south.  But, don't ever give up hope.

Gorges and Yep

Thanks for posting. Feeling defeated for so long, accepting your lot, learning how to just get through the days despite the problems and then comes glimmers of hope. When it comes let's enjoy it.

LP

It comes down to loving our kids when they aren't so lovable!

And I'll drink to that's LP :) we are definitely having a good spell . My DD seems to be getting her need for weed under control , she hasn't cut in at least 2 months , she's getting her schoolwork done , she's meeting curfews , she's actually pleasant to be around , and she starts a new job on Tuesday . Additionally , there has been no late nights , she seems to have matured just a little bit ,  her dress sense has returned  and she's had her hair highlighted back to beautiful colors again so she no longer looks and dresses like a street hooker ! She's even stopped smoking ! its a shame that we just await the next crash  as it's definitely too good to last ! Our family therapist said in our last session that he definitely sees a " shift" in her . That's not to say she won't still crash , but perhaps she won't crash quite as low as she has done in the last 2 years .
Her best friend left to go back to her home state a few weeks ago too and I was very watchful waiting for " the crash ", but so far so good . She actually said " the 15 year old me wouldn't have coped with this at all and I'd definitely have been suicidal , but the 17 year old me is sad she's gone , but it's for the best and I'm coping with it ". Turn up for the books right enough !