BPDFamily.com

It had been a while since my last post.

Well, she (UBPDxW)and I have officially separated. We live in separate locations. Now, my fears have come true.  She has the kids (M-F) and I only have them every other weekends and two dinner nights per week (Tues and Thurs). She is now using them as pawns.  Shes still so very controlling and I still fear her. I don't know why?  Why am I so afraid of her? Maybe, it's because of the 6 to 7 years of mental and verbal abuse by her upon me.  Everyone tell me it will get better (light at the end of the tunnel).  I don't believe them.  I still see darkness for a long time.  I know it's a long game or a chess match but yet my feelings are completely chaotic and I feel the severe depression all around me. Please help? Thank you

Hey tmarshal.

I know that you were working with a T a while back. Are you still seeing a T? What one small thing can you do for yourself today? Just taking a walk, or listening to some music that you like ... .anything, really. Hoping that you can do a small act of self-kindness today. I am sorry that you are suffering. Please hang in there; things will change.
 

Do you have a court order specifying a parenting schedule?  I get the feeling you don't have one.

The upside to a court order is that (1) now the Real Authority is domestic court and not your spouse, (2) court is generally "less unfair" than a controlling and obstructive spouse and (3) you know precisely what the schedule is and you both have to follow it.

The downside is that (1) courts are set up so that even when they don't verbally side with the mother, the policies and procedures often do in unwritten ways, (2) many of the mother's poor behaviors are ignored by the professionals who expect things to calm down as happens with other divorcing couples and (3) courts are glacially slow to make positive changes to an order.

If you don't have a court order yet then find yourself an experienced, problem-solving, proactive lawyer who has solid track record in court and practical strategies.  Our cases are difficult and protracted, the lawyers who are used to filing forms and holding hands are not the ones for us.

One problem I see is that you're already getting just about what a typical father would get, alternate weekends and a visit or two in between.  I had two temp orders.  Both gave me alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  It was seen as normal by the court.  Fortunately what I did have was long 72 hour weekends... .from Friday 6 pm to Monday 6 pm.  How long are your weekends?

Ponder what you could ask for in court to make the order less onerous.  You could seek equal time, such as with a 2-2-3 schedule.  (One parent has Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent has Wed-Thu overnights and the weekend of Fri-Sat-Sun overnight is alternated.)  That is particularly suited for children in elementary and middle schools, many exchanges can be done going to/from school.  If the court doesn't want to consider that then you could fall back to making the in-between visits overnights rather than evenings.  Also, you could ask for longer weekends, such as from end of school on Fridays to beginning of school on Mondays, that's 2.5 days.

Frankly, you getting two evenings during each week is much more than I ever got in my temp orders.  Part of your dismay is the unfairness or it all and her unilateral declarations.  We understand that emotional impact, we experienced that too.

Of course she will claim you weren't an involved parent.  Bring documentation with you detailing your substantial parenting.  If there is no court order yet then the longer she has majority time during the separation then the harder it will be to undo it, an uphill struggle.