BPDFamily.com

Hi, I've asked about this topic before and also have done some searching through existing threads but I haven't been able to find someone like myself who has experienced a marked improvement in their own depression and or ptsd/cptsd since learning about the diagnosis of their loved one. My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD and after reading 3 books on the subject I feel like its the first time that I've seen a marked improvement in my own symptoms. And this after years of therapy/al-anon/selfhelp.
Its just had such a huge impact on me. Maybe also because I finally think I know that my abusive Mother is also a pwBPD. I guess I'm just looking to understand better what has happened to me on an emotional psychological level and I thought that hearing about others with a similar experience would help.

Hi Kailin,

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and the two major feelings I had were confusion and anger, but I can understand your depression as well.

I think once we finally can put a name or a rational description of the behaviors we are seeing and living with to the chaos we have been experiencing is extremely helpful.  Once we know what BPD is we can begin to better understand what's going on, we recognize that we aren't crazy, that it isn't all us that is the problem, that others are experiencing the same things, that there are tools to help cope better and communicate better we begin to have hope that our lives/relationships can be better.

To me hope is one of the biggest antidotes to depression and I'm so glad you've found some 

Panda39

Yes!

Before a diagnosys I was riding the storm and thinking it could only end bad. I though I'm taking this today, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I had no hope. And with no hope comes depression.

Guilt is a big enemy too, and seeing the changes in your loved one, the rejection, the apathy, and emotional abuse... .When you don't know you think a big part of it must be your fault, or that something is wrong with you and you are
"not enough". Knowing takes a lot of the guilt away and changes it to responsibility and resolution to become better to make things better.

Fear is also something that eats at us. The more the unknown in your life the more scary is the future. On the other hand, the more you learn, the less there is to fear. If you can understand radical acceptance, some things of your own past fall into place, and they stop bugging at you.

In learning to accept your partner and his limitations, you learn to accept yours as well. You learn to validate your own feelings, and to get past the control of "secondary emotions". So, bit by bit, you grow a lot. I've heard it a lot of times. It's not a pleasant path, but is a path of growing, and self discovery.

I'm glad you feel better, and that you shared it with us.

It has helped me significantly. Realizing that it was something outside of me helped me see that it wasn't my fault. It also gave me a direction to go to learn how to handle his BPD better. I think just learning new tools in general has helped me a lot.

For me the biggest thing is that when we go through a rough patch of a lot of dysregulations then I can remind myself that BPD outbursts can run in cycles so eventually it will pass, that my H sometimes cannot control his internal state, and that the conflict will end just as quickly as it began.

Occasionally knowing he has BPD can cause me to feel a little hopeless though because I also know that there is no cure and he may be like this for the rest of his life. At times it's hard to accept that I may never have a "normal" marriage or ever have a true connection with him.

Yes! We have been married 17yrs. It was at year 7 when I learned of a secret addiction he had that I lost all hope for my future. It was the first time since I was a teenager living with my abusive BPD Mother that I really longed for death. That was when I started therapy and reading all the psychology books I could get my hands on, but with no real improvement in my depression and ptsd symptoms.

I did and still do struggle with a lot of toxic shame. Although my feelings have improved a lot. Feeling guilty was only natural for me since both my pd parents and my pd H told me that it was my fault. This has been one of the most powerful things for me, realizing that I'm not in control. That I don't have to control it, that I can't. And its been so many years since I've learned the three c's in alanon, but I didn't get it until now.

This is also something that I am still grieving. And I think its what contributed so heavily to my denial all those years. Looking back, I can see it now so clearly. So often looking forward to seeing him, only to be crushed when he was angry and sullen. Being so surprised and hurt every time he demonstrated that he didn't love me, or care about my needs and feelings. I couldn't except the way he was, so I chose not to see it. Because excepting it would make it real. Now I am living with the reality that I may never know family love, even though I've wanted that so badly all of my life. And I have to forgive myself for choosing him. And now I need to own my choice to stay with him and not console myself by imagining that I am a victim.

This attitude will get you far. Remind yourself that staying is a choice you are making allows you to get out of feeling like a victim.