BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,
I'm in a LDR relationship with a person who i think has BPD. She claims to have problems just because of her work stress. But i'm quite sure it's not the case. She has been abused by her stepfather and her parents at early age. Had one and only relationship that lasted 7+ years and broke up with the guy for a reason i think it doesn't make too much sense to me. Anyway, we've been in relationship for 5 months and we are going to meet in a month and half. It's my first real relationship and my first love. So i can't just give up on her, i made a promise and i'm planning to keep it until my death. But the way sometimes she reacts to things i say really hurts me a lot. It's almost like she forgets everything we have and goes beyond the line. Again, i always try to take things easy with her because of her proclaimed work stress. Most of the times, after the fights we have; next day she comes and apologizes a lot, says i am perfect, sometimes says she doesn't deserve me. Yet again i try my best to make her feel good but when we have those arguments it almost feels like things i said in the past mean nothing to her. She was the first one to say that she loves me. I know she loves me but it really hurts me when she says stuff like that. Last night, after the biggest fight we had so far, i decided to make some research while sobbing and found out she has BPD. I need some suggestions on things how i can keep up the relationship we have without seeing her, or myself upset or mad like that. Thanks in advance.

Hi emmisery,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time in your relationship. The uds and downs of BPD can create a lot of stress and turmoil.

When your pwBPD begins to get mad at you or say hurtful things, how do you respond?

I usually try to prove my point in a gentle way but she's already mad at that point and whatever i try and say after i try to explain it to her doesn't make her feel any better until a few hours or a day passes.

We have a saying here: Don't JADE. Don't JADE means don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain yourself when your pwBPD makes an accusation against you.

When you JADE, it tells your pwBPD that they are wrong and will cause them to get very angry. It's invalidating, even if you are right. Even if they don't make sense. Even if their accusation is unexpected. The simple act of disagreeing with them, trying to prove yourself, etc tells them that you are not listening to them.

Here is one of our workshops on JADE to read a little more about it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

By just enacting this one communication technique for myself, I've seen our arguments decrease dramatically. Throw in a little validation and my H dyregulations are less frequent, about 2-3 times per week as opposed to the daily blow ups.