BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone,

I've come to an understanding that I need to let my previous relationship go.  I have been separated from my wife for about a year now.  :)uring this last year I've been able to learn a ton about myself and what contributed to the struggles within this previous relationship.  The reliance I had on our codependent relationship is becoming lessened as time goes on.  This part is great.  However, I'm finding myself in a bit of a predicament.  

I was an extremely driven person towards the end of our relationship.  I believe this is because I never felt good enough for her.  To correct this, I continually worked on becoming good enough.  It was an endless task.

To complicate things further, everything I did was to make her life better and easier.  She became the absolute purpose for all my actions.

Now that the relationship has faded, I have found I have lost my drive.  I believe this is because I had viewed her as the purpose of my life for the last 10 years.
 Without her in the picture the drive doesn't exist.  

I have tried to refocus on other purposes including myself, my children, and improving the field of K-12 education, but none of it has seemed to work.  I believe the desire to work only for her is just too rooted.

Does anyone have any advice in overcoming this obstacle?

Thanks everyone,

Staying Steady

How long were you with your ex, if you don't mind me asking? You need to find what gave you purpose before her. What were your passions? Why were you passionate about these things, these interests?

In this relationship you lost yourself.

It's still there, inside of you. You just need to shift focus.

I get what it's like trying to please the ex. Nothing was good enough. We worked our butts off to make them happy and in the end, to add salt to the wound we are told it wasn't good enough.

Your ex's words do not define who you are. You've been conditioned to think this, that you are worthless without her.

That is her opinion and it's a very skewed one.

You have a beautiful opportunity to reclaim your passion, your destiny. It is not lost. You need to get back to you first, focus on you.  Being a people pleaser that isn't always easy, but you deserve to give yourself the same love and care you put into that relationship.

Are you working with a counselor or in therapy?

Have you taken the depression test?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56208.0

It might be interesting to take it and bring that back to this discussion.

I'm not sure if the Mods on here would consider this kosher advice or not but... .

I was stuck in this same exact rutt. I found myself so incredibly driven by wanting to live up to what my girlfriend wanted that when it came to an end I lost all that drive. I found myself feeling like a fly stuck on fly paper... .tryin to make moves but going nowhere. One day I woke up and thought to myself: I used to have all this drive because I wanted to be good for her... .what if I have all that same drive plus more because I want to be TOO good for her?

So every day that followed I told myself I'd push a little harder to reach that "too good" status. Sure, initially I still did it because of her... .or in spite of her.  Eventually though it became about ME.  I've gotten that far, why stop now?

So I kept going... and going... and going...


Even now that we are back together and working on her getting the help and support she needs, I still keep going... .this time though it is ALL for me.

It's good advice.