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I reached out. My first was message was how I wish I could feel. The idea of loving her and cherishing her. I wasn't too wordy but she responded, said she wanted me happy and she thanked me for doing everything she needed.

That made me upset. I broke my back, my bank and my heart and she never lifted one finger. Nothing. I was abused mentally and physically and she never apologized.

This morning she sent me a text asking me to do her another favor. To get her mail. Even after all the crap she has the audacity to ask for one more thing. I sent her an email and told her what I felt how she treated me.

This lead to her calling me and we had an arguement. She said she wanted to be single and man that hurt. Blamed me on the failed engagement and then said she would never marry me. When I asked if she was seeing anyone she said she was seeing a lot of people.

That was all I could stomach. 3 years , thousands of my money down the drain, endless nights taking care of her and that's what I get. It's hard to swallow that these people act like this ... .maybe it was my fault ... .Should have never reached out. When I said I wanted to date she said in a threatening voice you're going to eat your words ... .it made me hesitate and then it upset me ... She can say all this crap to me and i have to shut up.

I hung up. Sent her the info she needed for the mail and told her I never want to see or hear from her again. I can't do this. Before it escalated she mentioned how mayyyybe one day we can work things out. Seriously? She wanted me to be on the back burner. I dislike her. Hate her. She beat me. Not once but countless times. She took all my possessions I bought claiming it hers
 I had a nice apartment and she left making it unaffordable ... .She was paying 200 a month I paid 1775. I did everything for her. When she was Ill i was there by her bedside. She was never there for me. I suffered alone all the time. It angers me.

The relationship was all about her and now the separation was too. She never changed.

I should have stick to my NC plan. I got sucked back in and now she's giving me silent treatment. She called me names and told me to f*** off and so on and so forth.

She isn't my biggest enemy. My head and my emotions are. I can't stop imagining her and what she's doing with her "the one" at this very moment, and for the days to come. I can't help but think that she is deeply in love with him, and she IS.

If I had stick to my NC plan I wouldn't have these thoughts. I too regret breaking it.

I hope you are doing well, epicdaydream. Keep on being strong.

Hey , I'm ok. Almost called out at work. But I've been keeping my head busy for most of the day at least. This will pass I keep telling myself. It's true though.

Maybe it's good that you know. I am not sure but I assume so. Apartment clean. Told me to get all my stuff out. So let's make a pack , they're doing their thing and let's heal ourselves and do what makes us happy too. Don't think about that it'll eat you up. Just think in a few weeks or months it'll surely be over and you can sit back and smile that you survived it.

Hi epicdaydream,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. What you're dealing with will certainly go down as one of the most difficult things you overcome. Overcome. That's the key. The pain you are feeling will not last forever. You know your truths in what you did to try and make this relationship successful. You know the lengths to which you went in order to do what you could for her. You cannot control how she chose to react in return or how she chose to benefit the relationship and ultimate end, however, you can be proud of all you did to be honorable and deserving. As you know, BPD relationships often tend to be one-sided. It's an unfortunate truth we all so often find out too late. Don't beat yourself up over breaking NC. Try to embrace (as much as is possible right now) what came of doing so... .try to let it strengthen your resolve. Allow it to fuel your desire to get up and keep it moving.

For every negative there is a positive. Yes, you broke NC but you also found the strength to finally stop doing more than you already have for her. Now do things for yourself, focus on yourself. Like I said in the beginning of my post... .you will OVERCOME.

As for what I quoted from your post: The relationship may have been all about her but the separation is about YOU. Your freedom. As cliche as it may sound... .rise from the ashes like a phoenix. This is your new beginning!

Until then... .keep posting, keep taking care of yourself, keep leaning on the community. We are all here for you.

What are you doing now for self care?

Hey thank you dedicating your time for me. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I have spoken to 2 friends and a pastor. Not many people will understand what I've been through.

My friend told me to have compassion for my ex. Maybe that's why I need to do. Hate is killing me on top of all the other pain I've gone through. Maybe compassion is the key here.

Other than that I found this board a blessing. I want to overcome these feelings. Thank you so much.

How are you guys holding up now? Any developments?